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Lamest Sidewalk Sale Ever
Anyone who lives in my corner of Brooklyn will tell you Bedford Avenue is sidewalk sale central. Go there on any given Saturday or Sunday and you will find a bounty of used sundries for sale. Some are even worth buying.
Or, in the case of what I found recently, some aren’t. In fact, these wares were not even worth stealing, as you will see.
My buddy Rachael and I found the above vestiges of a sidewalk sale yesterday on North 11th Street. Being the hungry little scavengers we are, we got our surgical gloves, anti-bacterial baby wipes and dug in.
We found the above sign very amusing. “What kind of dumbfuck would sleep with a trunk of stuff just lying there?” I said.
Everyone knows the people around here will steal anything, even stuff they don’t need. ESPECIALLY stuff they don’t need.
Rachael said, completing my thought. She does this often.
Once we learned what the trunk contained, however, it all began to make sense.
Follows is a sampling of what this treasure trove had to offer:
- One pair of sneakers
- One pair of women’s dress pumps
- One pair of women’s pin stripe dress slacks
- One pair of beige boots
- One pair of business loafers
- One can of Lysol
Save the sneakers (and maybe the Lysol), all the contents were components of a corporate casual monkey suit. No wonder the conductor of this sidewalk sale decided to take a nap: no Bedford Avenue goer is going to touch this stuff. It is like offering a vampire a bag of garlic, having a blow-out sale of bacon double cheeseburgers at the local synagogue— or offering a follower of Allah a bag of pork rinds. It is an abomination beyond the pale.
Too bad no one took the Lysol, though. It would save some Northsider a lot of time and money that would otherwise be spent doing laundry*.
Miss Heather
*My first boyfriend used to spray the armpits of his tee shirts with Lysol instead of washing them. Nice guy. Smelled sort of like a high school nurse’s office, though.
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