Consumer Product Review Du Jour: Pizza Wine

Today I woke up in one hell of a mood. I’m not too sure what “put me over”. Was it one of our cats keeping me up all night or managing to get a nice big splinter in my foot immediately upon stepping out of bed? Probably the latter, as when I informed the Mister about this turn of events he said:

I’ve been trying to pick up the broken glass in the kitchen.

I replied:

I did not hurt my foot in the kitchen. I hurt it in the bedroom.

Realizing that he had incriminated himself in the destruction of household property— probably mine— the Mister replied:

Oh.

The junk shop was more or less more of the same. At one point some clown brought a ceramic jug, probably of Native American origin, to the counter. This item was clearly labeled in the Queen’s English as costing $30.00. Needless to say when he asked:

Is this thirty cents?

I was less than amused. A tip to the wise: when patronizing the junk shop do not attempt to knock decimal points off the price. Not only will this make the management very angry, it will ensure that every item you ask about thereafter will have its price increased by at least 25%.

Needless to say after wasting a considerable amount of our time this chap saw fit to purchase two books priced at $4.00. Total. So it goes.

Anyhoo, as I went out to grab some lunch I found a most intriguing advertisement in the window of T & N Wine And Liquors.

God only knows living in Greenpoint has made me no stranger to all manner and variety of rot gut. As a matter of fact (and as a result of our sour economy) I have become somewhat of a connoisseur of the stuff. This is not for lack of effort on my parent’s part to instruct me as to the finer points oenology; I simply take a more nuanced view of the art.

The sad economic reality is I do not have the means to quaff blue chip booze on a regular basis. Had I possessed the means to do this I assure that’s what I would do. But I prefer to see the glass half full, in this case with ripple; I do have the means to try a $3.00 bottle of “pizza wine”! Egged on by Larry the Junkman‘s morbid curiousity and my own creeping suspicion that the day couldn’t possibly get any worse I purchased a bottle and a slice.

The copy on this diminutive (375 ml) bottle reads as follows:

This fresh RED WINE has been specifically developed to match the variety of flavors found in PIZZA. The grapes have been grown under a wide, blue and sun filled sky which packs the grape with BEAUTIFUL FLAVOR. Some of the natural grape sweetness has been retained to further enhance your enjoyment of t his wine. If you enjoy your affair with this wine please recommend it to your friends as it is a new product and may not have discovered it.

Cheers

Peter Brown

New York Shitty analysis:

PROS

• As the instructions “served chilled” and screw top led me to suspect this wine is incredibly sweet. Depending on one’s personal taste this could be a pro or a con. On a hot and muggy day like today I am inclined to say it’s a “pro”.
• I suppose it goes pretty nicely with pizza— albeit probably not as well as a beer would.
• I am pleased to report that I have yet to experience any side effects (READ: going blind) and found its curious effervescence (and 12% alcohol content) very effective when it came to extracting that splinter out of my foot. If I was a field medic I would definitely keep this product on hand.

CONS

• At $3.00 a bottle (even with tax included) this isn’t really much of a bargain. If one bottle is designed to accompany two slices I’d guesstimate it would take five bottles to match a ten slice pie. That totals to $15.00. For that kind of money you can buy a couple six packs of decent beer.

But who am I to judge? Try it for yourself. For $3.00 tax-included can you honestly expect to live forever?

T & N Wine and Liquor
983 Manhattan Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11222

Miss Heather

UPDATE, June 29, 2009: It has been brought to my attention from the folks at Serious Eats that a pie does not come in 10 slices. On June 29, 2009 Adam Kuban writes:

Ten-slice pie? Where is Miss Heather getting a ten-slice pie? Note: A pizza is usually cut in eight- or six-slice configurations.

I take my slices as I take life in Greenpoint: one at a time. My analysis was merely for economic purposes and has a 1-2 slice margin of error— not unlike our country’s unemployment statistics. I prefer “Sicilian style” anyway. This comes in “configurations” of 9 and 12. This would require 5 or 6 bottles of “Pizza Wine”.

The previous ad hoc analysis is of course contigent on the quality of pizza and/or company. A significant “downturn” in either of the previous will result in a greater demand for “Pizza Wine”. From yours truly, anyway.