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Culture on the Cheap
New York Shitty Day Ender: Mrs. Bloomberg
Hands off bitch, he’s mine!
Miss Heather
P.S.: Just kidding.
New York Shitty Slide Show Du Jour: East Village Selections
Filed under: 10003, 10009, Advanced Life Forms, Culture War, East Village, East Village Manhattan
As today’s decidedly NON-Brooklyn content indicates, yours truly knocked around the East Village yesterday. I was experiencing the worst kind of wanderlust imaginable and finally succumbed. I’m glad I did: I had a very enjoyable afternoon. The Mister (who met me later) had a good time as well. Given that yesterday was his “special day” this is a good thing— because the other 364 belong to me. Highlights from our sojourn in the bog city included— but are not limited to:
- An interrogation from a very cute— if intense— 5-6 year old girl about my wardrobe. After asking exactly how I get my top on and off (and I answered as best I could without exposing myself) she directed her attention (and hands) to my Hello Kitty necklace and purse. Thanks to these items I passed— albeit by a hair— muster.
- Having a man (upon seeing me taking pictures on the Bowery) inform me that Drew Barrymore lived in the building across the street. He seemed to be puzzled by the fact I didn’t care. I thanked him nonetheless for this (hither to be useful) piece of information.
- The Mister stumbling upon a gaggle of 20-somethings poring over a map at Astor Place and deciding that if they kept walking east they would find Bedford Avenue and North 3rd Street. While not entirely correct, their assessment is not entirely wrong either. I’m guessing this is the reason the Mister decided not to intervene. As I write this post I wonder if they found their destination. I imagine if they managed to reach the outer limits of Alphabet City they had a rather provocative evening— and the kind genuine New York City experiences they don’t cover in the guidebooks.
- And of course, there is the above item which I found on the East 10 Street wailing wall. Naturally it reminds me of a story. Here it goes. A collage buddy of mine, we’ll call her D, had the rather unfortunate habit of dating some of the most useless specimens of manhood to be had. This was especially true of a guy we’ll call “Fuckhead”. Why the moniker, you ask? Very simple: he was a hockey fan and had the annoying habit of wearing a hockey puck shaped piece of head gear when enjoying the sport. This apparel was emblazoned with the word “Puckhead”. I and a few other folks who were not too fond of this gent simply changed a letter and this became our moniker for him. ANYHOO, “Fuckhead” also liked basketball— and did not like to do housework. So you can imagine how D felt when she came home from a hard day at work to discover Fuckhead (who, it should be added, only worked part time) sitting on his tuckus watching the game— and that the garbage had not been taken out. She had assigned him this one very simple task before she left for work. It should also be noted that D was also experiencing her period. You, dear readers, will quickly learn why this somewhat sordid piece of information is salient to my tale— so humor me.In any case, she was not the least bit happy and told him so. In return Fuckhead continued watching the game. After quickly deducing that employing words and reason were not working she went to Plan B: she reached into her underwear, grabbed her used sanitary napkin and affixed it to the monitor of the television set. This got Fuckhead’s undivided attention, but he did not feel compelled to remove it. He continued to “watch” the game— and she continued to fume. As I understand it, this used feminine hygiene product remained on the television set for several hours. D eventually removed it. I cannot recall who ended up taking out the trash. But that’s not really important— and I digress.
Without further ado here are highlights from my six hour trek around the East Village and beyond. Enjoy!
This slide show can be seen in larger format by clicking here.
Miss Heather
New York Shitty Photos Du Jour: Valentine’s Delight
Filed under: 11211, 11222, East Village, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg, Williamsburg Brooklyn
East Village, 10003 & 10009
Williamsburg, 11211
Greenpoint, 11222
Taken February 14, 2010.
Miss Heather
New York Shitty Day Starter: Change You Can Believe In
Last night the Mister and I entertained a visiting friend in the East Village. One of the stops on our itinerary was the San Loco on Avenue A, as one of my best friends, Rachael, was scheduled to bar tend there. San Loco means “saint crazy” in Spanish; this is rather apropos given Rachael usually works the closing shift and as a result interfaces with— how should I say— the more eccentric elements to be found in the East Village. Whenever we meet up she always has a “goodie bag” of stuff she has collected and many a good story to tell.
This evening was no exception— what’s more I learned about a previously unknown candidate in the Mayoral race: Albert Duffy.
But he prefers to be called the “Bloomberg Bomb”. I think. It’s sort of hard to tell:
As your mayor, I will always protect my constituent’s like all like all N.Y.C. BOROUGH presidents, Council members and LAW MAKER’s. Who all have thier (sic) hands DEEP in my POCKETS. Me and my “bluBillion Dollar Blue Boys “own and control ALBANY and will continue to manipulate, ABUSE and DEMORALIZE every sector of society. Especially the personnel of the FDNY/NYPD. Call me a “Bloomberg BOMB”!…
On the other side of this flier (both of which can be seen in larger format by clicking on the the above or following image) is a tome entitled “If I Were Mayor of New York City”) which outlines Mr. Duffy’s/The New American Freedom Party Are all mentally ill’s platform for reform.
My favorite passages are as follows:
We would organize a committee to amend the Constitution to reward anyone who gives back to our country by joining our military. We would guarantee that if anyone dedicates themselves for the safety and protection of our freedom, and becomes disabled, all their needs will be taken care of. Like free medical/hospitalization, employment training, job placement opportunities, adequate housing and free public transportation.
It would appear that this chap has not heard of the Veteran’s Association. Then again, maybe he has: it’s not like they have gotten much positive publicity of late. As for the matter of public transportation, our mayoral aspirant has some rather interesting ideas on that front:
We would organize a committee to design and construct a (free) Monorail System that will replace the old failing system that we presently depend upon.
And lastly, the coup de grâce:
We would organize a committee to amend smoker’s rights and designate smoking areas in all NYC Irish Pubs, Taverns and Restaurants. (Ed. Note: emphasis mine)Â If you don’t like it? Go outside.
If this sounds like the kind of change you want to see in our fair city come November, dear readers, you should note that Mr. Duffy was thoughtful enough to provide a bank account number for interested donors at the end of his mission statement. The more eagle-eyed among you might have also noticed that this is “Part 1” of his xerographic campaign for mayor. This would suggest there will be a “Part 2” and maybe even a “Part 3”.
I can hardly wait.
Miss Heather
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