From The New York Shitty Inbox: Special Delivery

A Diamond Street resident we’ll call “R” writes of the above-depicted find:

Someone donated 2 butt plugs* and a vibrator to our corner clothing drop. Coincidence or not a new mattress encased in plastic was lying out too. Not bedbug wrapped. New. Gotta love the hipster influx.

The above-depicted material (the Jujubes add a rather festive flourish of which I am particularly fond) strikes yours truly as the stuff of a very enchanted evening. As is often the case with this kind of thing, I am reminded of a quote— actually an essay— by Mark Twain. Follows is an excerpt from Some Thoughts on the Science of Onanism*:

…Homer, in the second book of the Iliad says with fine enthusiasm, “Give me masturbation or give me death.” Caesar, in his Commentaries, says, “To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a benefactor. They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion.” In another place this experienced observer has said, “There are times when I prefer it to sodomy.”

Robinson Crusoe says, “I cannot describe what I owe to this gentle art.” Queen Elizabeth said, “It is the bulwark of virginity.” Cetewayo, the Zulu hero, remarked, “A jerk in the hand is worth two in the bush.” The immortal Franklin has said, “Masturbation is the best policy.”

*If my memory serves me correctly (and for those of you who wish not to have a “pre-owned” model) these (as well as the above-depicted “Rabbit Pearl” vibrator can be purchased at Honey on North 6 Street Although I was regrettably unable to ascertain the name for the above-depicted items (when it comes to research I endeavor to be thorough!) via a web search. However, I did stumble upon this. It gives a whole new meaning to “Incoming!”, “Blow it out your ass!” and last, but hardly least:

**Which is for sale on Amazon!