Greenpoint
Lorven Pharmacy
Culture on the Cheap
143 Huron Street
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
I took the above photo at 7:15 this evening. It was not on my agenda to photograph the Greenpoint skyline tonight; the gentlemen working at the above-depicted construction site deserve full credit for making that happen. At 7:00 p.m. I was reading in the bedroom when I heard a major ruckus. It was the sound of metal being pounded with a great deal of force— possibly by a riveter. I crept out of the bedroom and peered out the living room window. Nothing. Just noise.
“Fucking Magic Johnson!”
I mumbled under my breath as I climbed the stairs to the roof. I look at 110 Green; no workers are to be found. I redirect my attention to 143 Huron Street. CLANG!
There’s my guy! Yes, I realize this photo is hardly a smoking gun, but it was the best I could get given the lighting (I had to open the aperture a lot) and my camera. From what I could tell there were two men working in there. One where the arrow is— he was the one making the noise— and another one to the far left. Perhaps they thought no one could see them back there? Why would someone need to? You could fucking hear them a block away!
Naturally, I called 311. I filed a complaint about noise (with the DEP) and another one about illegal after-hours construction (with the DOB). The operator told me someone had filed a similar complaint a short time earlier; I insisted mine be added. I wrote the case numbers on my dry erase board. Tomorrow I will forward them (with a letter giving a brief description of what I beheld— or more accurately, HEARD) to Community Board 1.
I strongly recommend that any/all Huron Streeters out there who also experienced the delightful din this evening (and reported it to the city) follow suit.
Community Board 1
(meets second Tuesday of the month)
435 Graham Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 389-0009
(718) 389-0098
Miss Heather
Montrose Avenue Mystery
As I reported last month, even Bushwick’s dog shit signs are getting a face lift in anticipation the numerous “hip” and “affluent” people who will (undoubtedly) flock to this up and coming neighborhood. Hell, when I see a masterpiece like this it makes me want to tell my landlord to go fuck himself and hop on the next B43 bus. Just kidding.
Anyhoo, as I was walking down Montrose Avenue today I noticed the now infamous sign at 165 has been replaced again!
Note the use of red marker and black quotation marks. I’m not too sure what’s up with the black lines, though. Follows is a picture of its predecessor.
I have to say I prefer the typography on this one, but nothing beats the original.
If any of “you” yes, you know the story behind this latest change in signage please shoot me an email; I’m dying to know.
Miss Heather
UNSAVORY
In keeping with this week’s Newtown Creek stink spirit, today I present to you an article from the August 24, 1881 edition of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle. Although a little longer than I prefer to post, this tome paints a very clear picture of how long this body of water has been permitted to fester. Not only was it used a dumping ground by petroleum refiners, but savory stuff such as vitriol and offal were thrown in for good measure. Enjoy!
It has come to my attention that a number of Brooklynites think Newtown Creek is exclusively a Greenpoint problem: it isn’t. The photo at the beginning of this post was taken in English Kills. Don’t know where that is? No problem, here’s a map.
I have been advised that anyone who is interested in (seeing and) smelling the stench firsthand (and yes, I have gotten inquiries of this nature) should contact the Newtown Creek Alliance. You can be directed to their web site by clicking here.
Miss Heather
Greenpoint: The Napping Spot
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
After reeling from yesterday’s revelation that Sotheby’s has seen fit to market a rather craptastic ‘townhouse’ in my humble neighborhood, I have managed to recompose myself. The fact they would even touch a property like this is proof-positive that ANYONE will hawk ANYTHING if the neighborhood “Greenpoint” associated with it. It’s friggin’ ridiculous.
I have been increasingly bemoaning the fact that my neighborhood is rapidly becoming a bedroom community for trustifarian kids and affluent wannabe ‘hip’ 40+ somethings. There is not the same sense of community here there once was. This depresses me to no end— and when I get the blues (like yesterday) I go for a walk.
As I was headed home from a four hour jaunt I swung by McCarren Park to use the bathroom. That’s when I saw a trio of middle-aged Polish women yammering away on a park bench. I don’t know what they were talking about (I do not speak Polish). But whatever it was it must have been pretty interesting because they didn’t seem to notice the homeless dude passed out on a mattress fifteen feet in front of them.
In fact they didn’t seem to notice his buddies either. This is understandable; being the sensible chaps they were, they opted to sleep in the shade.
New York City may be the city that never sleeps, but Greenpoint is it’s napping spot. Fuck, you’ll find people crashed out all over the goddamn place!
I for one am of the belief the above gentleman were hired by the real estate industry as a selling tool. When John Q. Fucktard outlays a ridiculous sum of money for his spiffy new condominium (on Karl Fischer Row, naturally) that ‘gritty’, ‘urban’ feel better be built right in! Even authenticity has a price nowadays— and it ain’t cheap.
That’s what I call good ol’ American entrepreneurship!
Miss Heather
Greenpoint: You’ve Come A Long Way Baby!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
It’s official.
We have arrived.
God help us.
Miss Heather
Free Booze and New Fall Fashions at Alter!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
I actually got word about this last week but have been so busy I almost forgot about it. Almost. Per the email I got from Tommy and Roy (AKA: The Alter Boys):
We have just received hundreds of pieces of new merchandise, including:
MEN– Coats, Sweaters, Jackets, Vintage Boots, Shoes, Vests, T- Shirts & more.
WOMEN– Coats, Sweaters, Dresses, Tops, Heels, Flats, Leather Boots & more.Get it while it’s HAUTE! This stuff is going to FLY out the door- so get in here on Tuesday before the
rest of the town does! There will be an open champagne bar (that means free champs ya’ll) and decadent snack treats.’till then!
Free champagne is pretty hard to beat folks. Check it out!
Miss Heather
Miss Heather’s New Crib
Much is said about affordable housing. That’s just it: said. Very little actually seems to be done about it. At least in my little corner of North Brooklyn, anyway.
As the boat approached Long Island City last Sunday I felt like Dorothy did when she reached the Emerald City. “Wow” I thought to myself, “I wonder if there is some affordable housing there?” Alas, it wasn’t to be: the gentleman conducting this segment of the tour noted that although there was talk of including lower-income units in a number of these monoliths, it didn’t happen.
Of course I think this is total balderdash. A developer reneging on a promise? Inconceivable. These chaps are upstanding citizens who have our best interests at heart. They make Abe Lincoln look like the Saddam Hussein by comparison.
Too bad. I was rather keen on having quick and easy access to the waterfront and the numerous quick and easy ladies who ply their trade in Long Island City. One time my husband overheard a very satisfied customer bragging to his buddy (via cell phone) on the Brooklyn-bound B61 bus as it was crossing the Pulaski Bridge. He hit her shit twice for a mere $300. If there is one thing Miss Heather likes it is a bargain. Oh well.
Shortly after we entered the creek I noticed the above townhouse. It certainly looks affordable. It probably affords easy access to hookers too. But it lacks the scenic city views I require. Further up shit Newtown Creek we go!
This is more like it! This garden apartment (located in the Garden Spot of the Universe) sports the kind of amenities a Dog Shit Queen DEMANDS.
It is lavishly furnished.
It is only steps away from transportation.
And it comes with a yacht!
Who do I make the check out to?
Miss Heather
P.S.: I’d like to give a shout-out to a very nice chap I met on this tour. He operates a blog about tugboats. Check it out, it’s neat.
A Turd’s Nest
Today I present to you an exquisite pile of poop from Jeremiah Moss, the proprietor of a very interesting blog called Vanishing New York. He writes:
i found this today near the corner of chrystie and delancey. i know it’s in manhattan, but it was just so perfect i had to send it in. i think it looks like an elegant little centerpiece.
I have to agree with him. There is something distinctly (and dare I say?) “stylish” about this turd’s nest. Perhaps the canine residents of the Lower East Side are gussying up their bowel movements to keep in step with gentrification? I bet Philip Starck is behind this.
Miss Heather
Poland Spring
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Some things go beautifully together.
Chocolate and peanut butter, Bogey and Bacall, automotive repair and barbecued ribs— all the previous are examples of perfect pairings. Other things, however, should never be put together.
1. Greenpoint’s sewage treatment plant…
which happens to be located on 2. Newtown Creek (above) and…
and 3. a depot housing delivery trucks for Poland Spring water.
This is so wrong— and yet, so right— on so many levels.
Miss Heather
Explosive Gas & A Bunch of Hot Air
Filed under: Bum Shit, Crazy People, Dung of the Day, Greenpoint Magic, Other Shit
Last week I came across a comment* on the Gowanus Lounge from an oil spill disbeliever (yes, they really do exist). I couldn’t help but snicker when I read this:
…As for the explosive gas, it was Keyspan natural gas lines that needed to be repaired, not the oil spill.
Maybe he’s right? It’s something else. Just this weekend I saw the remains of a massive explosion on Java Street.
It’s the Greenpoint Chili Relleno Spill! Maybe I should contact the EPA and request a vapor test be conducted?
Miss Heather
*Be sure to check out the novel this whack job defender of Greenpoint’s virtue wrote in response to my rebuttal. It’s a hoot! Be sure to strap on your tin foil hat first so the many conspirators behind the vast smear campaign that is the GREENPOINT OIL SPILL won’t come to get you!
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