Greenpoint
Lorven Pharmacy
Culture on the Cheap
The Brooklyn Paper: Paragon of Journalism
This evening I had the pleasure of reading a turd from the above shit heap of a newspaper. It was forwarded to me via the Newtown Creek Alliance. They wrote:
I’m sorry to see the nature walk is getting severely trashed.
Initially I was going to write back and say “What do you expect, it’s The Brooklyn Paper?” I decided against it. I think my fellow Greenpointers should see how utterly shitty their product and journalistic standards are. For this reason I present to you, dear readers, the following article from the September 22, 2007 edition of The Brooklyn Paper…
Something stinks — hey, it’s this park!
Up for a nature walk? The newest one is right there next to the sewage treatment plant.
This counterintuitive park project comes courtesy of the Department of Environmental Protection, which spent $3.2 million to build a gorgeous walkway next to the Newtown Creek sludge plant.
No, it’s not a joke — though some locals are treating it as such.
“I say we toilet paper their park — after all, they made our neighborhood smell like a toilet,†wrote one poster on Curbed.com, which labeled it “the crappiest park in Brooklyn.â€
Other posts took advantage of the irony to use a common barnyard expletive that is often used as a slang term for feces.
The DEP wouldn’t dignify those kinds of potty-mouth comments, but did say that the park will be a wonderful amenity for the community and that most people will appreciate it.
The plant, which is known for those funky (both stylistically and, it must be said, odoriferously), egg-shaped domes, occupies a few dozen square blocks along the oil-filled creek north of Greenpoint Avenue.
Would-be nature walkers will enter the pathway from Paidge Avenue and Provost Street, and enjoy landscaping that includes trees, shrubs, waterfront seating, wetland grasses and perennial flowers and plants — plus a wall separating all that nature from the sewage plant on the other side.
The pathway is just the first phase of a DEP effort to provide access to the waterfront, the agency said. The next two phases will be completed over five years and extend the path all the way to North Henry Street.
It couldn’t come at a better — or worse time. The federal Environmental Protection Agency reported last week that a massive oil spill that has been seeping under the Newtown Creek area since the 1950s may be twice as big as once suspected.
The DEP will unveil the first phase of the Greenpoint Nature Walk along the waterfront that separates Brooklyn and Queens next week.
Something Sucks — it’s The Brooklyn Paper!
It’s easy to criticize a park when you (and you know who you are) are sitting on your fat ass in Park Slope trying to figure out how to capitalize on the Garden Spot. It’s “hip”. It’s “young”. It’s so… not you, Brooklyn Paper.
Is it just me or does the Smells like Teen Spirit North Brooklyn edition of The Brooklyn Paper sport very little content actually regarding North Brooklyn? It’s usually a few week-old stories and a bunch of other stuff we could care less about. All they— and by they I mean The Brooklyn Paper want to do to is up their circulation numbers so can boost their advertising revenue (yes, I worked in publishing once, surprise!). The fact they are using us to do it makes me angry to no end.
But back to journalistic integrity (or lack thereof). We all know using a comment board on someone else’s blog (READ: Curbed) is the best way to get the word on the street in Greenpoint. A community which, inconveniently enough, is largely populated with blue-collar people without Internets. That’s why unsubstantial shit like the following makes it to print:
I say we toilet paper their park, after all they made our neighborhood smell like a toilet.
God forbid a reporter from The Brooklyn Paper actually set foot in the Garden Garbage Spot and ask us, the revolting peasants we are, what we think. That would entail riding the G TRAIN and doing ACTUAL REPORTING. We might prove to be intelligent. Or find The Brooklyn Paper to be a joke. And we do, by the way.
As a Greenpointer (who converses with other Greenpointers every day) here is a general consensus of what we think the park:
- Yes, we think a park next to a sewage treatment plant is funny. Who wouldn’t?
- Do we think it is a P.R. ploy by the D.E.P.? DUH!
- North Greenpoint has no parks whatsoever. A few of us have the temerity to like it. It is all we got. It is better designed than most of the condominiums going up around us, but The Brooklyn Paper wouldn’t print that. They didn’t see fit to print this either:
More thought, design, materials and over all aesthetics have been put into this Taj Mahal of Poop Processing than all the crappy chrome and glass condos all over the G-point & the Burg.
Somehow the crack reporter for The Brooklyn Paper saw fit to overlook this comment (also from Curbed). I wonder why?
The truth of the matter is a number of things make my neighborhood stink. You have the waste treatment plant, sewage overruns, illegal dumping and Newtown Creek. You cannot separate one from the other. I can, however, state with certainty that The Brooklyn Paper’s attempt at capitalizing off Greenpoint’s misfortune (and ridiculing us in the process) reeks the most.
And as any Greenpointer knows, shit floats.
Miss Heather
P.S.: Those of you who want additional giggles at this paper’s expense should read this article. For reasons beyond my comprehension it turned up on outside.in under Greenpoint. It is about how local video stores are suffering at the hands of Netflix. Strangely enough, Photoplay, a Greenpoint institution (which recently expanded into a larger space) is not mentioned. Hmm.
Greenpoint Represents at Atlantic Antic!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
I did not go to the Brooklyn Blogade meet-up in Bedford Stuyvesant.
Sometimes you gotta quit blogging and start living. That’s what I did yesterday. My husband, best buddy Rachael and I went to the Atlantic Antic. Mr. Heather wanted to see buses. He saw them. Rachael wanted to consume all manner and variety of artery-clogging meatitude with the Mr. H. She did. What did I get?
A key lime pie beyond compare.
A self-absorbed bitch and her less attractive sycophant (engaged in the all too pervasive discussion about who was fucking who) bumping into me and spilling sangria on my shirt. Thankfully for them, my love of the movie Falling Down overrode my desire to get in their face.
Bad news. Your trust fund just tanked. And you’re
gonna dieforced to live like the rest of us, wearing thatstupid hathair cut. How does it feel?
But enough negativity. Let’s talk Greenpointivity… and Atlantic Antic had it!
The fine fellas from Greenpoint’s very own Wine Cellar Sorbet were in effect. Don’t let the above photo fool you, they were…
busy.
Very, very busy.
Why? Because their product is fucking fantastic! The co-proprietor, Bret, did not recognize me at first (because of my constant hair color-changing, reclusive and overall chameleon-like behavior).
Hi, I’m Heather.
I said.
Bret (crazy busy): ?
Me: Miss Heather of Newyorkshitty.
Bret: I didn’t recognize you. You changed your hair!
High fives were exchanged. Sorbet was consumed and my husband, the Prince Consort of Shit, paid for it. It was delicious.
Click here to learn where you can get your own.
Miss Heather
P.S.: You can check out my Atlantic Antic pix here.
Why God, Why?
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
On Friday, September 28, I wrote (in reference to the new restaurant moving into 999 Manhattan Avenue):
I swear to god if this is another Thai restaurant I will fucking flip out.
Guess what, folks?
This brings the number of Thai restaurants on Manhattan Avenue to FIVE. Why can’t Greenpoint diversify a little and get a Vietnamese, Burmese* or Cambodian restaurant? Why does this tiny (and otherwise innocuous) country tyrannize my neighborhood with its cuisine? What did we ever do to them?
Now if you don’t mind, I’m off to the kitchen to give myself a pre-orbital lobotomy.
With a chop stick.
Miss Heather
*Which is incredibly delicious, by the way. If you’re ever in Manhattan check out Village Mingala in the East Village or Cafe Mingala on the Upper East Side.
Opening Day
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
This morning I arrived at the Newtown Creek Nature Walk at 11:00 a.m. sharp so I could take pictures before the opening ceremonies. It’s an interesting set-up and even though I am not a fan of this kind of Modernist look, I have to admit this park has its moments. My favorite feature (as ridiculous as it may sound) is the walkway leading to it. When you look westward its sloping walls frame the Empire State Building beautifully. Check out my Flickr photo set and see for yourself!
Miss Heather
Greenpoint is the Bomb!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
What a week! First I was on the Leonard Lopate Show. Then it was Poles without pants. After that I discovered the CRACK PROS. And last— but not least, I finally got a photo of Greenpoint’s very own Jeep-riding Doginator. How can I possibly keep up this kind of momentum? Well, after several long thankless hours I found a tale from Greenpoint’s past that is in keeping with this especially magical week here in the Garden Spot.
See the big thing those police officers are attempting to move? That’s a 500 pound World War II bomb. Where was this bomb located? Under the Pulaski Bridge. Why was it there ? Because Greenpoint is a very special place. From the December 4, 1969 edition of the New York Times, I present to you a cautionary tale of what happens what Greenpointers will do with a couple of (yes, TWO) bombs. Enjoy!
“There used to be another bomb”, he added, “but a man took it and put it in front of his house.”
The above statement is why they’ll have to drag me out of this neighborhood kicking and screaming. God I love Greenpoint!
Miss Heather
Tomorrow’s The Big Day!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
From an email I received for the Newtown Creek Alliance:
Opening Celebration and Festivities for “Newtown Creek Nature Walkâ€
Saturday, September 29, 2007
11:00 AM – 4:00 PMNEWTOWN CREEK WASTEWATER TREATMENT PLANT
PAIDGE AVENUE & PROVOST STREET
BROOKLYN, NY 11222Shuttle buses are available from the intersection of Greenpoint and Manhattan Avenues (Greenpoint Ave G Stop) from 11am to 3 pm.
Children Activities and Light Refreshments (!) will be Served
Christine Holowacz, Community Liaison
I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to check this out!
Miss Heather
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
I recently noticed that Toluca La Bella, the inventor of the hot dog torta, has closed. What is taking its place, you ask? Well, here’s what I saw in the window today.
This doesn’t look good, folks. I swear to god if this is another Thai restaurant I will fucking flip out. Enough with the spring rolls, already. I WANT TACOS!
Since the local business community is unable to comprehend that the threshold for Asian food here was surpassed a long, long time ago, I got an idea: why don’t we Greenpointers put together a list of things Greenpoint does not need more of? The entrant with the best submission will get the following prestigious prize.
- Five band aids
- One Tampon
- One lint roller
- One can of Static Guard
- One bottle of Erotica Massage Oil
- One pair of scissors
- One mint condition 45 of Patrick Swayze’s song, Raising Heaven (In Hell Tonight) from soundtrack of the movie Roadhouse.
Submissions can be sent via email to missheather (at) newyorkshitty (dot) com or can be posted via a comment on this post. Good luck folks and I look for to seeing what you dish out!
Miss Heather
Dog Day Afternoon
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
As a youth I had dreams. They were thoroughly and utterly crushed. I probably had ambition once as well. This too, is gone. But I am not totally without purpose: I have goals. It’s the little milestones (like the following) that shake me out of my existentialist angst and get my fat ass out of bed.
I have seen this dynamic duo twice. Both times I failed to capture them on my camera. Just like a teenage boy unwrapping his first condom, my enthusiasm foiled my efforts: all I got was a blurry mess instead. Not this time. I was ready and I got ’em. Where else? McGuinness Boulevard. One man’s congested, filthy thoroughfare is Miss Heather’s avenue of wish-fulfillment.
The gent driving this Jeep (presumably this canine’s companion*) is a responsible pet owner too! This pampered pooch wears a harness specifically designed to attach to a seatbelt. The Doginator eyewear really rounds out the ensemble. Stylish and safe. Perfect attire for a leisurely drive down Mickey G’s on a sultry Thursday afternoon. I give it two paws up.
Miss Heather
*He seemed a little confused when I told him I loved his dog’s glasses. Immediately thereafter, a chap sitting in front of the McGuinness Auto Parts Store told me he loved my glasses. I thanked him and told him I loved his glasses. It was like Chip and Dale— and Dale. Greenpoint at its very finest— but what else would one expect from the boulevard named McGuinness?
Will The Real Belvedere III Please Stand Up?
The beauty of exposing Bridge/Belvedere Realty’s ineptitude is they make it so easy. The downside is I can barely keep up with their quasi-luxury progeny. The good news is they can’t either.
If Belvedere III is located on Powers Street, why did I find this?
135 North 9th Street is a long way from Powers. The fine folks at Bridge Realty should hire me to do ad copy for their “Hot Locations” in Williamsburg. It is obvious I keep better track of their crap than they do.
Miss Heather
Brace Your Buttplugs, Fellow Greenpointers!
Filed under: Area 51
First it was Starbucks. Then it was Sotheby’s. Now it is…
Ricky’s?!?
Truth be told, this addition to the neighborhood does not upset me. Aside from Zoe’s Beauty Salon & Spa (which is fantastic, by the way— Toni gives great cuts) there are few providers of fun cosmetics and girly stuff here. I suppose some of the Polish stores offer them, but the customer service at such places (for non-Polish people, anyway) is severely lacking. If I wanted to be treated like the human equivalent of a herpes chancre I’d go to the Upper East Side, thank you very much.
In fact, this will be a godsend to all Greenpointers who wish to shop for adult novelty items. As of the writing of this post, the only place offering them here is Just For Fun at 982 Manhattan Avenue. And I refuse to buy such items at a place that has this in the window.
When shopping for something to stick up my ass or gash, I my royal highness heinie demands a certain measure of class. I have standards. They may not be high ones, but they are standards nonetheless.
Per the above sign, Ricky’s will be up and running this December. Just in time for Christmas! Nothing says “Season’s Greetings” or “Happy Hannukah” like a brand-spanking new buttplug.
Miss Heather
NYS Flickr Pool
