Greenpoint
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Great Moments in Greenpoint Siding, Vol XI
Although I have much more field research left to do, I wanted to assure each and every one of you that I have been quite busy touring the streets of Greenpoint in search of its sidingest block. Had I known how monumental a task this was going to be I probably would not have undertaken it. But I have, goddamn it, and I will.
One interesting finding I have made thus far is the Garden Spot’s current predilection for stucco. In fact, I will go so far as to predict that stucco will supplant siding as one of Greenpoint’s distinguishing characteristics (alongside the Belvedere Dynasty, naturally) in the not-so-far-off future. Does this bother me? Not in the least. Especially if it means we’ll be seeing more houses like this one.
I saw this house while riding the B43 bus home yesterday. I was immediately captivated. As an artist I cannot fathom why someone would put pumpkin orange and mint green stucco together. Fortunately, this was not my decision to make: clearly the owner of this house (and the wizards at Katosy Stucco) thought these two colors went together swimmingly. And I have to confess, it’s growing on me.
Great job, guys! I mean this in all sincerity.
Miss Heather
The BARC Dog Parade Cometh!
I have been so busy preparing my costume* I almost forgot to remind everyone that BARC’s Dog Parade is next weekend. Being the fashion conscious woman I am, I even procured a very special accessory for the occasion.
Nothing says “I am a Greenpointer” better than donning a Gulf War issue gas mask.
Attendees and would-be marchers can get all the details about this upcoming event by clicking here.
Miss Heather
P.S.: What would a dog parade announcement be without a piquant pile of Greenpoint poop to go with it? From Kent Avenue (just south of Pop’s) I present to you…
Puffed for your Pleasure!
*This includes fashioning breast-gear resembling digester tanks from Greenpoint’s favorite waste treatment plant. I’ll be the 17th Ward’s very own Valkyrie!
Mr. Heather the Handyman
Filed under: Area 51
I recently received an email from someone who not only heaped praise upon my person, but also that of Mr. Heather, It read as follows:
You are an incredible photographer, you’re intelligent, funny, and your cool husband likes trains!
ADOPT ME!
Mystified as to why anyone would call my husband “cool” (I can think of at least 25 reasons off the top of my head why he is not), I wrote back.
Thank you, but my husband is *NOT* cool. He is a colossal dork who works on the computer for hours on end with no clothes on.
The above reply may sound mean-spirited to some but I assure you that was not my intent. I was simply being honest. It hurts me as much to see the aforementioned activity as it hurt you, dear readers, to read about it. Probably more.
The previous having been said, Mr. Heather does have his moments. They are usually had at the most inopportune times regarding subject matter considered odd to most —but he does have them. In fact, he had one this weekend. At 3:00 a.m. Sunday morning after six hours of watching Zero Mostel movies and drinking sangria, to be precise.
Truth be told I should have gone to bed much earlier. But after being on my feet for over eight hours (and interfacing with the public in all its idiotic glory) knocking back wine and singing along to “Spring Time for Hitler” was therapeutic. It was fun, to be perfectly honest. Besides, had I not stayed up so late I would have missed Mr. Heather’s latest “special moment”.
My husband has a Rain Man type quality to him. He is the king of non-sequitors. Or at least I tell myself this when he asks me questions like the following while I am rummaging around the kitchen in the wee hours of the morning:
So how do you like your new toy?
Me: Um, it’s okay. It vibrates too much so I do not turn it on.
Mr. Heather: I could put a resistor in it. That might fix your problem.
Me (mouth hanging open): ???
My puzzled expression netted me a five minute lecture about electricity. It was all stuff I had learned in high school. Or I think I did, anyway. Twenty years later at three in the morning is not the time to quiz me on such matters.
I have given his offer much thought and I think I am going to let the mister pimp out my vibrator. The entertainment value alone is worth it. If he is successful, I may very well pimp out my husband’s services to others who are experiencing similar problems. It would not only be a public service, but it might also prove to be a nice source of supplemental income.
Living with a colossal dork is hardly sexy, but sometimes it’s damned convenient.
Miss Heather
Williamsburg’s Three Third Streets
Filed under: Williamsburg
This weekend was a 48 hour crash course in extremes. One minute I am screaming at my husband via cell phone about how Verb has the shittiest customer service on the planet (unless of course you are cool enough to deserve better— and I wasn’t). The next I discover something wonderful and completely unexpected: like what I found at the intersection of Berry and North 6 Street Saturday afternoon.
I have read that Bedford Avenue, Berry Street, Wythe Avenue, etc., were once numerically named, e.g.; Fourth Street, Third Street and Second Street respectively. This was the first time I have actually seen physical evidence of it outside of old maps. Here is a section from a map of the Village of Williamsburgh from 1850 showing the old system. I have annotated it with a few contemporary street names to make it easier to get one’s bearings.
Williamsburg once had (for example) three “3rd Streets”: 3rd Street, 3rd Street and South 3rd Street. Not unlike how the television show Newhart had Larry, Darryl and Darryl. Pretty damned confusing if you ask me. This is why I wish to give a big New York Shitty salute to the unsung hero who named Greenpoint’s northernmost streets alphabetically. I can honestly say the Garden Spot is the only place I have never gotten lost.
Miss Heather
You’ve Been Disapproved!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
I never watch television anymore. I have no need; whenever I want entertainment I go for a walk. Greenpoint never fails to provide me some choice morsel of amusement. Like today.
I doubt the creature (bipedal, quadrupedal or otherwise) who gave this smiling suit man a golden shower intended to make a social statement, but he (or she) did. Even the guy smoking high grade weed ten feet upwind of me couldn’t stop laughing. That might have been the pot talking, though.
This objet de pottee is located at 477 Leonard Street. A site whose developer’s application to build a 12 story building (eight stories plus one cellar and three mezzanines) was, ironically enough, rejected by the Department of Buildings. An entity that seemingly hates to say “No”.
To developers, anyway.
Miss Heather
Happy Pulaski Day From Greenpoint!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Those of you who want to get your Polish Pride on might want to check out the parade.
Those of you who are like me* might find purchasing a pair of Polish salt and pepper shakers (and watching caravans of vans blaring Euro-craptastic music tear down the street at breakneck speed) sufficient celebrating. (ASIDE: All in laws, outlaws, and otherwise who are reading this tome take note— each and every one of you are getting these for Christmas.)
Wesoły Boże Narodzenie!
Those of you who aren’t Polish (but want to be) can knock back a celebratory drink (or four) at Mykonos at 253 Grand Street.
And lastly, those of you who want to get your ass kicked you might want to buy one of these.
Szczęśliwy Pulaski Dzień!
Miss Heather
*My surname is Lithuanian. Hence why I was elated when I received the following in the mail yesterday.
Lenin in the front.
Lithuanian love in the back!
Sunday Stoop Sale Round-up
Filed under: Area 51
Any Greenpointers out there who prefer bargain-hunting to the Pulaski Day Parade, you’re in luck: two stoop sales are slated for tomorrow, October 7th right here in the Garden Spot. First up…
115 India Street, 11:00 a.m. – 3:00 p.m.
Secondly…
184 Franklin Street, AKA The Astral, hours not indicated
I’m not too sure I would want to buy clothing from someone who resides in this building, much less someone moving out of it. Then again I have heard from a number of reliable sources that the bedbug infestation is localized on the India Street wing, so you’re probably safe. Probably. All I’m saying is if you get some “added value” with the sweater you just bought, don’t come crying to me.
Happy shopping and don’t let the bedbugs bite!
Miss Heather
P.S.: Those of you looking for a (purportedly bedbug) free, no-frills couch might want to head to 145 North 9th Street.
This chartreuse-colored couch may not be easy on the eyes, but at $0.00 it’s easy on your wallet. You can take the money you save and buy a nice slipcover. Take my word for it folks, sofas like this are the reason why god invented ’em! Baby shit green. Yummy.
Anybody Home?
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Last night, as many of you know, the mayor visited our fair burg. I made it a point to arrive early so I could get a seat. I did. I did not, however, have an opportunity to posit any questions to Ms. Lancaster, a woman who is arguably one of Greenpoint’s least favorite public officials. The questions were determined ahead of time by a panel of neighborhood organizations.
The rest of us were encouraged to write a question on an index card with our name and address. We would receive an answer in writing in a week, they said. I couldn’t exactly make my question(s) fit on an index card, so I improvised a solution. Follows is what I handed the Brooklyn Borough Director of the mayor’s Community Affairs Unit. She assured me Ms. Lancaster would receive it. I can only hope so.
It is really a shame I couldn’t posit some of the questions hastily written on this packet of Department of Buildings property profiles. It would have been fun to watch her try to answer them. Here are a few highlights.
I have gone off on this site twice: once on New York Shitty, later via The Gowanus Lounge. Here is the first of three complaints about illegal after hours construction at this site. It dates from September 9, 2007.
Note that the “comments” section states this is a previously inspected complaint. Here is the next complaint about after hours construction. It dates from September 19, 2007.
“See previously inspected complaint.” I would presume that to be the one from September 9th, which as we have already seen, tells us to refer to the previously inspected complaint. A little confusing, yes?
The above complaint was finally investigated September 27, 2007. This is hardly what I would call an “emergency response”. It’s too bad they waited so long, if they had inspected two days earlier they might have prevented another complaint from being filed.
Stop work order violation served (after hours work only).
I really wish I had the opportunity to ask Ms. Lancaster what the above means. It is pretty much a given that working after hours is a no-no. Did they have a variance to work this particular evening? Well, it’s kind of hard to tell. Yesterday my buddy over at Greenpointers showed me the only way she could determine whether or not a variance has been issued via the Department of Building’s online information system: via the payment history.
The payments tendered for these variances date from July, presumably for variances used during that month. Even if they weren’t, we have three complaints about after hours construction against two variances. Something isn’t adding up here, folks.
As indicated in this post on the Gowanus Lounge, I was the person who saw the aftermath of the 51 Java Street ‘collision’ Friday, September 28, 2007. I spoke to the owner of 51 Java Street at length that very evening. He was understandably rattled. His house had been struck twice in three weeks. On a lark, I looped by this block the next day to see how things looked. That’s when I beheld heard this.
A pile driver hammering away at 60 Java Street on an otherwise beautiful Saturday afternoon. I noticed a woman was watching this contraption grind away from her apartment window. I waved her down and we spoke briefly.
You really should call 311 about this.
I said. To wit she replied she had called 311 and the police. No one would do anything. She was under the impression the contractors had permission to do this. Seeing no variance posted I was skeptical. So, I pointed and clicked my way to 60 Java Street’s payment history.
They did. If it is the job of the Department of Buildings to safeguard the public interest, why did they issue a variance to this contractor so he could operate a pile driver on a weekend? This does not strike me as civic-oriented behavior. Neither does the following, for that matter.
Per this screen capture (which was taken this morning) there are no complaints lodged against this property. I know for a fact this is not true; a complaint was lodged. Let’s review:
- A woman awakens one Saturday morning to the sound of a pile driver.
- She calls 311 and complains about it.
- She is told they have permission to do it. Yet…
- no variances are posted.
- Her complaint is not logged. It is (seemingly) thrown out.
This is a very inefficient way to do business, Ms. Lancaster. Had this woman known your agency gave these chaps permission to make such a racket, she probably would have taken the matter up with the Department of Buildings, not 311. Perhaps this is the intent: if she does not know about the variances issued for 60 Java, she is barred from taking the matter up with you or your higher ups. Like so many other people in Greenpoint nowadays, she has been effectively removed from the process.
Conversely, I don’t care if this woman called to report that giant bunny rabbits (from 60 Java Street) were attacking her vegetable patch; it should be logged. I wonder how many other complaints such as hers have been (mis)handled in this fashion?
There was much more content in the packet I made for Ms. Lancaster’s edification than I have covered here, dear readers. 48 Box Street was included, as was 53 Java Street. The issues were very diverse and yet I found myself asking the same question over and over:
Ms. Lancaster, what in god’s name are you doing?
I strongly suspect I speak for a number of Greenpoint residents when I ask the above question.
Miss Heather
Post Script: Today my buddy Rachael visited me at work. I told her that I got a picture of the mayor, but I didn’t think it was very good. She asked me why. I told her he had a deer-caught-in-headlights expression on his face. She said, and I quote:
Everyone who leaves Greenpoint has that look on their face.
You know what?
She’s right.
Housebuilder For Hire
Those of you seeking to build a new house might want to head down to the intersection of Greenpoint and Manhattan Avenue. Word on the street is you might find someone eager to help you.
Provided you’re not Italian, of course. The author of today’s helping of what the fuck left no contact information, but I bet he’ll be back to post a new “lettre” once he figures out Guiliani is no longer in office.
Miss Heather
P.S.: It’s refreshing to see that this chap likes America. I thought everyone fucking hated us.
Not Rock Bottom, But Close Enough
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
I found this sign on Manhattan Avenue. I can think of a number of things that led up to the creation of this sign. All of them are strong indicators that its author needs to go to rehab.
Miss Heather
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