Shanghai Lee: R.I.P.

I saw the above notice in the window of Shanghai Lee last week as I was running errands. I’ll be upfront: I never ate at this restaurant. My husband and I talked about doing so once. While standing right in front of Shanghai Lee, no less. The deal breaker was when we saw three men wrangle an enormous barrel of MSG out of the back of a truck and into the basement of this establishment.

Will this become a second Chinese Musician restaurant? I honestly don’t know. I will say the Chinese Musician is the only Chinese restaurant I will patronize in Greenpoint. Their soups are pretty tasty and if the they use MSG, they are a lot more low key about it.

In (semi) related news Ton Kao II, the latest Thai restaurant to grace the Garden Spot, has learned a very valuable lesson about operating a business here.

You do NOT put out a sandwich board advertising free beer in a neighborhood renowned for the copious consumption of alcoholic beverages. The above sign dates from October 7, 2007. In the last seven days I have watched it evolve. Their 2.0 version read: “Free beer with dinner purchase.” This too, proved to be flawed, as I learned last Saturday, October 13. This is when I heard one of their many* barkers handing out menus exclaim:

You get ONE free beer with dinner purchase!

As for the signage, they 86ed the free beer ad copy all together.

I tried one of their soups last week: lemon grass. It was a tad too salty for my taste. Come to think of it, a beer would have washed it down very nicely.

Miss Heather

*I cannot walk to Greenpoint Avenue without being assailed by three different people shilling their menus. Very annoying.

When Advertecture Attacks: 72 Norman Avenue

Yesterday I was reminded that I had yet to write a post about a new(ish) restaurant I recently discovered in Greenpoint. It is called Onyx and is located at 278 Nassau Avenue. Never heard of it you say? Too bad. If you had it might mean this hideous piece of (illegal?) advertising at 72 Norman Avenue is effective.

Wow, they even have a party room. How nice! Sadly, the same cannot be said about turning a piece of residential property (on an otherwise quaint block) into a billboard.

I wonder how much money the owner of this house received for hanging this turd? As you can probably imagine, one of this chap’s neighbors took issue with this sign and reported to the Department of Buildings. That was October 10, 2007. I took the above photo October 14, 2007. Per the Department of Building’s web site, this complaint was assigned to the “Special Investigative Team” —also known as S.P.I.T.— October 11, 2007. I am not making this shit up.

Anyone want to hazard a guess how long it will take before the Department of Buildings to order this eyesore taken down?

Miss Heather

The Forgotten Borough

I have been (long) remiss in posting this, the latest opus by my buddy Steve in Astoria. Here it is.

Staten Island and Greenpoint have a number of things in common:

1. Both of the previous are butts of endless jokes.
2. Both have been (or are) used as a trash receptacles for the city at large, yet
3. high-density Fedders-style development thrives.

And, lest we forget: public transportation sort of sucks.

Miss Heather

Posted by missheather 3 Comments

Help Feed Greenpoint’s Hungry

One thing I learned on my “date” with the very nice and very married Co-pastor of the Greenpoint Reformed Church last month was there is nary a single food pantry in the Garden Spot. None. Nil. Zero. Zip. Given the median income for a Greenpoint family of four is $30,000 a year, I find this both surprising and appalling. From the Greenpoint Reformed Church web site:

According to the New York Coalition Against Hunger, the 11222 zip code doesn’t have a single food pantry, soup kitchen or food program. Yet, there are far too many people who are hungry in Greenpoint. Several people ring the church’s doorbell each month looking for a meal or some canned goods. In the Bible, Jesus clearly commands us to feed his people. Because of this, our congregation is taking a leap of faith and starting both a weekly food pantry and a Wednesday evening community meal.

Starting these programs is the easy part; keeping them going is going to be even more difficult. What can you do to help in this effort to reduce hunger? First, you can volunteer to help out. This project will need people to cook and serve meals and to organize and hand out grocery bags on Wednesdays. It will also require some start-up funding. Perhaps you can sponsor or organize a fund raising event or perhaps you’re prepared to make a monetary donation to the cause? Donations of food and funds are welcomed and encouraged. You can donate right here online or cans and boxed food can be left in the collection boxes in the church parlor.

I am hardly the church-going type, but I like Ann and what her church is doing. They offer a host of services and outreach programs the less fortunate among us here can really use. I strongly encourage anyone who is reading to this contribute a little time and/or money to get this food pantry rolling. A bag of groceries or $20.00 isn’t a such big deal to you or me, but to those in need (many of whom are families, I would like to add) it makes the difference between having dinner on the table or going to bed hungry. Think about it.

Greenpoint Reform Church
136 Milton Street
Brooklyn, NY 11222
(718) 383-5941

Miss Heather

271 Nassau Avenue Redux

Some of you might remember a reader of mine, Rebecca11222, complained about some after-hours construction activity at the above mentioned address last month.

September 19, 2007 she wrote:

Since 9:30 p.m. a cement mixer & a pump truck have been operating 3 houses away from me. Condo going up at 271 Nassau Ave (at Sutton St). Lights in my window & noise of a FUCKING CEMENT TRUCK. It’s now almost 11pm. I called 311 & reported the perps to both DOB & DEP. No variance posted, of course. We all know what good will come of my report. Motherfuckers.

This is all.

The Department of Buildings “Emergency Response Team” didn’t find anything amiss. The next day.

Three days later, September 23, I decided to take a gander at 271 Nassau Avenue up close and personal.

Quality Contracting was in effect.

Quality fencing was not.

Shouldn’t these chaps let the cement they (illegally) laid cure before lopping a bunch of stories on top of it?

This man should be wearing a hard hat. Isn’t that the law or am I just being a mensch?

In any case, the mensches at the D.E.P. saw fit to see how Rebecca11222 was faring October 10, 2007. Three weeks later. After moving to another apartment. At 10:30 p.m.:

I got a call from DEP last night at 10:30pm, wanting to know if the issue at 271 Nassau that I reported 2 (?) weeks ago had been resolved.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The operator then advised me to call the cops next time as it takes the DEP “a few days” to respond to complaints.

Resolved: the complainant has moved and the perpetrator is well on his way to completing his four story, eight unit piece of shit. With illegally poured cement.

For those of you who have the misfortune of experiencing illegal after hours construction, the phone number for the 94th Precinct is (718) 383-3879. If they ask you why you’re bitching to them about a cement mixer rumbling at some god awful hour of the night, tell them the D.E.P. sent you.

Miss Heather

Dear Clarice

Today I received an email from Dillon De Give (the same artist who did the site-specific installation Strands right here in Greenpoint!) alerting me to his latest opus: Dear Clarice. Here are the deets for this “site-specific psychedelic (! — Ed. Note) elementary school style play”:

WHERE: Sprout Home
44 Grand Street
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(L train to Bedford)

WHEN: October 12, 13, and 14 at 7:30 p.m.

HOW (much): $3 Adults, $2 for children

Those of you who are interested in checking this out should RSVP at implausibot (at) yahoo (dot) com, as seating is limited. Enjoy!

Miss Heather

Outed by Time Out New York

Wednesday was a very, very strange day for Miss Heather. Our apartment building was paid a visit by New York’s Bravest because one of my neighbors called 311 to report a strange smell. Since our buzzers are inoperative, I had the honor of ushering these gentleman around our humble domicile in a dirty tank top and boxer shorts.

As if the previous was not enough Chateau de Ghetto fun for one day, I also received a phone call from a bill collector trying to chase down one of my upstairs neighbors. Though I found this to be mildly annoying, it was hardly remarkable. No sir: fire trucks, foul odors and past-due bills are child’s play compared to what else this day had in store for me. This was the day, dear readers, I learned I am a lesbian. Or at least look like one.

It all started with a phone call from Beatrice of Casa Mon Amour:

There’s a picture of you in this week’s Time Out New York!

Me: WHAT?!?
Beatrice: They wrote up my restaurant and you are in the picture they used.
Me: Shit.

I quickly got off the phone and hunted down a copy of this periodical. I ended up having to walk south of Greenpoint Avenue to find it because all the magazine stands carry in my corner of the ‘hood are US, OK, a slew of Polish publications and even more porn. Who knew Big Black Butt had such a following here? I didn’t. Until today.

Upon discovering my much sought after mag, I shelled out three bucks and commenced to rifle through it like a madwoman. As I was waiting for a half pound bag of rice at The Garden, I found what I was looking for:

OH MY GOD!

There are two woman in the above photograph. I am one of them. The other one is the Co-pastor of the Greenpoint Reformed Church. We are both married; me to a man, her to a woman. If this is any indicator of the accuracy of Time Out New York‘s “gaydar” I would like to humbly suggest that it needs a little refining. My above-depicted companion agrees:

TONY tries to be so trendy featuring lesbians on a date. Unfortunately they haven’t updated their gaydar. I may actually write them a letter about it since the implication of the photo isn’t very good for a married member of the clergy.

Appearances aside, we both found the print publication of our “date” very amusing. In fact, the only thing I took issue with was being called a $50.00 date. I cost a lot more than fifty bucks. Just ask my husband (whose hand can been seen in the bottom left-hand corner of the above photo). Monetary considerations aside, my “date” thanked me for a memorable evening:

Even… a simple meal in a small neighborhood restaurant turns into a truck running into a building and a photo in TONY.

To wit I replied:

I try to entertain my guests, that’s just good manners.

I have emailed the above clipping to my parents, mother in law and sister in law. I have yet to get a reply from any of them. Who knew coming out would be so hard? Then again, you know what they say:

The family is always the last to know.

Or would that be me?

Miss Heather

UPDATE, 11:42 a.m.: I have heard back from my sister in law. She writes:

I just realized something. Your big coming out in TONY was just a day too soon. Today is National Coming Out Day. They were oh so close…

Damn. Oh well…

HAPPY COMING OUT DAY FROM NEW YORK SHITTY!