Bum Shit, Gowanus Style

March 12, 2007 by
Filed under: Bum Shit, Dung of the Day 

Yesterday my homeboy from The Gowanus Lounge sent me a turd teaser. He wrote:

Oh, and I shot a photo of a humongous turd at the Smith-9th Station that, like, no way came from a dog. If you’d like it, I’ll be happy to send it along. Since Smith-9th is the start and end of the G, it’s got a Greenpoint angle.

Being the fine ass Dog Shit Queen that I am, naturally I was all over this (shit) like a fly on crack:

…of course I am interested. Bring it on. I am a big fan of the Smith-9th Street station.

And, as many a late night televangelist would say: ask and ye shall receive…

Smith and 9th Street Shit

My intrepid Internet friend waxed philosophical about the provenance of his find:

Here you go, Heather. I’m assuming this is people crap not dog crap, unless there was a really big German Shepherd type of canine up there. Either way, interesting place to find this sort of thing.

To wit, I wrote back:

NICE. That’s bum shit alright. I should know: ever since the Terminal Fire the bums seem to have migrated to my neck of the woods to do their business.

Bob doesn’t seem to relish talking shit shop over an early morning cup o’ joe (like I do):

I knew you’d know, whereas, I simply had a strong feeling. So, now I’ve got an image of someone taking a dump on the Smith-9th platform. Lovely.

And here is my reply:

The ‘image’ in your mind is my daily reality, kiddo.

*snap*

Actually, this specimen reminds me of the time I ate nothing but chile rellenos for two straight days several years ago. I make excellent rellenos, but having a touch of lactose intolerance, I employ a cheese and tofu mixture for filling. And when one mixes this concoction with beans and salsa, you get the digestive equivalent of Liquid Drano.

I am ‘man enough’ to take it, but the ghetto-ass plumbing in this apartment isn’t: as I learned. After discharging enough ‘by-product’ to build a shit bridge from here to Staten Island, I went to work— not knowing that I had left behind a ‘present’ for my (then) roommate to discover later.

When I got home from work that evening he had this thoroughly spooked-out expression on his face. You’d think that he had seen a ghost. I suppose he had; he beheld (and SMELLED) the wraiths of four or five deceased chile rellenos. He* asked me if I felt OK. I told him was feeling great. That’s what most people don’t realize about this variety of explosive shit: after you get it out of your system you feel much, much better.

Miss Heather

*This is the same dude who left skid-marked BVDs in the bathroom floor. FOR TWO DAYS.

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Comments

4 Comments on Bum Shit, Gowanus Style

  1. EgadsDetroit on Mon, 12th Mar 2007 6:53 pm

    2. My God, I love you, woman! I’ve been reading your blog for about a month now, and I finally had to leave a comment and tell you how much I appreciate your SHIT and all the shit that comes with it. If I only get one chance to laugh during any given day, it’s when I read your latest installment. Dog shit, bum shit, and urban sprawl aren’t funny at all, but your writing about it makes me giggle my ass off. I’ve been thinking about writing my own blog about the interesting gents who decide to piss in the “backyard” of abandoned nurses’ quarters (which is slated to become condos some decade), and talk to themselves LOUDLY while doing it, next to my office building downtown. The idea just doesn’t seem as inspired now that I see it typed out.

    Anyway, my cat, Diva, is growling in her sleep, and I must investigate. Brava and keep up the shitty work!

    EgadsDetroit (Another Rebecca)

  2. missheather on Mon, 12th Mar 2007 7:29 pm

    3. Thank you so much! Seriously. I recently came to the realization that my life (with all its trials and tribulations) is interesting. To others, anyway.

    After getting 2 2/3 degrees in Fine Art (and the student loan debt and the sophistry that comes with it), I have come the the conclusion that most people…

    1. think they are more important/attractive than they really are.
    2. think they are more INTELLIGENT than they really are.
    and
    3. Think they are more interesting than they really are.

    I’m probably guilty of #2, but then again, who isn’t? You should start a blog. I’d love to read it.

  3. mikeypod on Tue, 13th Mar 2007 4:38 am

    4. I think I am falling in love with you.

  4. missheather on Tue, 13th Mar 2007 9:33 am

    5. People, control yourselves!

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