Greenpoint
Lorven Pharmacy
Culture on the Cheap
Ask A Greenpointer Gets Its First Question!
Filed under: Crazy People
It would appear that Bert is back and he has a few questions for me to answer. Here they are.
Bert: You just don’t fucking get it do you?
Miss Heather: No I don’t “get it”. In order to “get” whatever your angry missive is about would require that I be a bitter, myopic person whose only solace is lashing out at total strangers via the Internets. Only an idiot would believe blogs have the power to gentrify a neighborhood. It’s actually the other way around: blogs are an indicator of gentrification.
Bert: Why don’t you go back to wherever the fuck you came form and stop ruining our neighborhood?
Miss Heather: I have considered your request and have decided to stay here, thanks. I wish to continue “ruining” this neighborhood by making people laugh, helping my fellow Greenpointers learn more about the neighborhood they live in and embarrassing the Department of Buildings into actually doing their job.
What have you done for this neighborhood, Bert? I didn’t see you at the Mayor’s meeting October 4th. Perhaps you were too busy being an artiste to take the time to educate yourself about community affairs. Then again, why should you? You obviously know it all already.
Bert: Did you ever bother to ask any of the people who lived here before you came along if they would mind you posting a blog about Greenpoint?
Miss Heather: Actually I did chat with a few people I know here before starting New York Shitty. They all said “go for it”. Even if they had panned the idea I would have created New York Shitty anyway because:
- My flights of fancy and right to free speech are not dependent on the approval of others. Especially narrow-minded people who lack vision. People like you.
- I enjoying writing and making art. I create. It takes a thick skin to put your work out there for all to see. I’ve done it before and I’ll be doing it again. Soon: I have had a piece accepted to a juried show. You, on the other hand, profess to be an artist, yet, you have nothing better to do than send nasty emails berating someone else’s work. Perhaps you should redirect this energy towards something constructive? That’s what they should have taught you in art school.
Bert: Why don’t you ask yourself why you are such a selfish attention grabbing poser.
Miss Heather: The attention I have received is the reward for a LOT of hard work and dedication. This blog is a labor of love. I would continue doing it even if it didn’t get as much attention as it (occasionally) does. Conversely, sending an email like above turd to a total stranger strikes me as being an act of selfish attention grabbing.
You’ve got my attention, Bert. Do you feel better now? I don’t. I feel sorry for you.
Since you have made it very apparent you are incapable of behaving like a mature adult, Bert, why don’t you go play with your trains and leave me alone? You are not going to “win” whatever argument you are trying to start with me. Give up and grow up.
I hope the above answers have proven to be helpful. If not, you might like to check out Greenpointers and read what they have to say.
Miss Heather
271 Nassau Avenue Redux
Filed under: Area 51
Some of you might remember a reader of mine, Rebecca11222, complained about some after-hours construction activity at the above mentioned address last month.
September 19, 2007 she wrote:
Since 9:30 p.m. a cement mixer & a pump truck have been operating 3 houses away from me. Condo going up at 271 Nassau Ave (at Sutton St). Lights in my window & noise of a FUCKING CEMENT TRUCK. It’s now almost 11pm. I called 311 & reported the perps to both DOB & DEP. No variance posted, of course. We all know what good will come of my report. Motherfuckers.
This is all.
The Department of Buildings “Emergency Response Team” didn’t find anything amiss. The next day.
Three days later, September 23, I decided to take a gander at 271 Nassau Avenue up close and personal.
Quality Contracting was in effect.
Quality fencing was not.
Shouldn’t these chaps let the cement they (illegally) laid cure before lopping a bunch of stories on top of it?
This man should be wearing a hard hat. Isn’t that the law or am I just being a mensch?
In any case, the mensches at the D.E.P. saw fit to see how Rebecca11222 was faring October 10, 2007. Three weeks later. After moving to another apartment. At 10:30 p.m.:
I got a call from DEP last night at 10:30pm, wanting to know if the issue at 271 Nassau that I reported 2 (?) weeks ago had been resolved.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The operator then advised me to call the cops next time as it takes the DEP “a few days” to respond to complaints.
Resolved: the complainant has moved and the perpetrator is well on his way to completing his four story, eight unit piece of shit. With illegally poured cement.
For those of you who have the misfortune of experiencing illegal after hours construction, the phone number for the 94th Precinct is (718) 383-3879. If they ask you why you’re bitching to them about a cement mixer rumbling at some god awful hour of the night, tell them the D.E.P. sent you.
Miss Heather
Dear Clarice
Filed under: Area 51
Today I received an email from Dillon De Give (the same artist who did the site-specific installation Strands right here in Greenpoint!) alerting me to his latest opus: Dear Clarice. Here are the deets for this “site-specific psychedelic (! — Ed. Note) elementary school style play”:
WHERE: Sprout Home
44 Grand Street
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(L train to Bedford)
WHEN: October 12, 13, and 14 at 7:30 p.m.
HOW (much): $3 Adults, $2 for children
Those of you who are interested in checking this out should RSVP at implausibot (at) yahoo (dot) com, as seating is limited. Enjoy!
Miss Heather
Ask A Greenpointer
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
All things Greenpoint seem to be the rage these days in the media. Speaking for myself, I have found some of this, uh, reporting to be of questionable quality. To this end my comrades at 11222 and Greenpointers and I are going to pool our collective expertise on this subject and offer a new feature to the Greenpoint (or simply Greenpoint curious) public: Ask A Greenpointer.
Have a question about Greenpoint? Or do you simply want to ask a Greenpointer a question? You can forward it to either of my fellow Greenpointers or me at missheather (at) newyorkshitty (dot) com. We’ll each tender an answer via our respective blogs or here at New York Shitty (we’re still in the planning stage folks, so bear with us).
Happy querying!
Miss Heather
Outed by Time Out New York
Filed under: Area 51
Wednesday was a very, very strange day for Miss Heather. Our apartment building was paid a visit by New York’s Bravest because one of my neighbors called 311 to report a strange smell. Since our buzzers are inoperative, I had the honor of ushering these gentleman around our humble domicile in a dirty tank top and boxer shorts.
As if the previous was not enough Chateau de Ghetto fun for one day, I also received a phone call from a bill collector trying to chase down one of my upstairs neighbors. Though I found this to be mildly annoying, it was hardly remarkable. No sir: fire trucks, foul odors and past-due bills are child’s play compared to what else this day had in store for me. This was the day, dear readers, I learned I am a lesbian. Or at least look like one.
It all started with a phone call from Beatrice of Casa Mon Amour:
There’s a picture of you in this week’s Time Out New York!
Me: WHAT?!?
Beatrice: They wrote up my restaurant and you are in the picture they used.
Me: Shit.
I quickly got off the phone and hunted down a copy of this periodical. I ended up having to walk south of Greenpoint Avenue to find it because all the magazine stands carry in my corner of the ‘hood are US, OK, a slew of Polish publications and even more porn. Who knew Big Black Butt had such a following here? I didn’t. Until today.
Upon discovering my much sought after mag, I shelled out three bucks and commenced to rifle through it like a madwoman. As I was waiting for a half pound bag of rice at The Garden, I found what I was looking for:
OH MY GOD!
There are two woman in the above photograph. I am one of them. The other one is the Co-pastor of the Greenpoint Reformed Church. We are both married; me to a man, her to a woman. If this is any indicator of the accuracy of Time Out New York‘s “gaydar” I would like to humbly suggest that it needs a little refining. My above-depicted companion agrees:
TONY tries to be so trendy featuring lesbians on a date. Unfortunately they haven’t updated their gaydar. I may actually write them a letter about it since the implication of the photo isn’t very good for a married member of the clergy.
Appearances aside, we both found the print publication of our “date” very amusing. In fact, the only thing I took issue with was being called a $50.00 date. I cost a lot more than fifty bucks. Just ask my husband (whose hand can been seen in the bottom left-hand corner of the above photo). Monetary considerations aside, my “date” thanked me for a memorable evening:
Even… a simple meal in a small neighborhood restaurant turns into a truck running into a building and a photo in TONY.
To wit I replied:
I try to entertain my guests, that’s just good manners.
I have emailed the above clipping to my parents, mother in law and sister in law. I have yet to get a reply from any of them. Who knew coming out would be so hard? Then again, you know what they say:
The family is always the last to know.
Or would that be me?
Miss Heather
UPDATE, 11:42 a.m.: I have heard back from my sister in law. She writes:
I just realized something. Your big coming out in TONY was just a day too soon. Today is National Coming Out Day. They were oh so close…
Damn. Oh well…
HAPPY COMING OUT DAY FROM NEW YORK SHITTY!
The Greenpoint 10
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
It has recently come to my attention that Only The Blog Knows Brooklyn is soliciting suggestions for this year’s Park Slope 100. I mentioned this to my husband over dinner last weekend. As soon as the words left my lips we both shouted in unison:
Greenpoint should have something like this!
Now, thanks to more than a little inspiration from OTBKB, it does. With a few significant modifications, mind you. Here they are:
- Unlike my compatriot to the south, I am not taking nominations. New York Shitty is not a democracy. It has been my experience that one of the biggest problems with any democratic process is the opinion of an idiot and that of normal person are given equal weight. Those of you who may be wondering what the end result of this practice is need only look at who inhabits the White House nowadays. Yeah, (c)HIM(p).
- Since I am going it alone, my list will contain only ten people. No neighborhood has 100 people worth the use of bandwidth anyway. Sorry.
- Criteria: None, really. Just people (and perhaps a thing or two) that make Greenpoint, well, Greenpoint.
- Because it struck me as being a sterling idea, each installment of the Greenpoint Ten will feature a special motivational poster to uplift your spirits. But enough bullshit, let’s get down to business!
Numbers 9 and 10:
If I had to pick one location to describe Greenpoint, it would be the intersection Manhattan and Greenpoint Avenue. This is the very soul of the Garden Spot. It also happens to be where a number of intoxicated homeless people spend a great deal of time.
But let us not view the glass as being half empty. Most of you looking at the above photo probably just see two bums passed out on discarded furniture. I, on the other hand, see ACCOMPLISHMENT!
Those sofas didn’t just walk to Greenpoint Avenue, you know. These men worked as a team and overcame a number of obstacles (among them being drunk as hell) to actualize their placement there. I for one find it inspiring to see these men enjoying the fruits of their hard liquor, hard labor and —dare I say it— TEAMWORK.
Greenpoint Success.
Congratulations guys, you’ve made it to the Greenpoint Ten! Mazel Tov.
Stay tuned: Next Thursday I will unveil #8!
Miss Heather
Bedford Avenue Is…
Filed under: Williamsburg
a lot of things to a lot of people. Some people like it, other people hate it. Regardless of your stand on this subway stop, dear readers, I can state with 100% certainty that we all can agree upon one thing: most people can’t afford it. It would appear that someone who patronizes the North 7 Street and Driggs Avenue entrance of the L train shares this sentiment. As I learned today.
How very true.
Thanks Rebecca11222 for forwarding me this great image!
Miss Heather
The Howling
Filed under: Area 51
Yesterday a new(ish) construction site made it onto my shit list: 158 India Street. After seemingly an eternity (and a couple stop work orders) they are busy building the four story, eleven apartment masterpiece slated to grace this parcel of property.
The first thing which crossed my mind when I saw the above was “Gee, it looks like they might undermine that building”. The owner of said house seems to agree with my assessment: he (or she) has complained to the Department of Buildings about just this. Repeatedly.
Bad construction practices aside, these guys found my interest in their site a source of excitement. In their pants. The surveyor (depicted in the above photo) alerted his minions to my presence and one of them (who was standing behind the fence) saw fit to howl at me. Sexy.
You know, it’s been a long time since a gainfully employed hunk of man made a pass my direction.
A
VERY.
LONG.
TIME.
Realizing the exciting opportunity I had on my hands, I mulled over his offer. I decided to make a counter offer:
Go fuck yourself!
I do not want to encourage online gambling (it’s a fool’s avocation), but I cannot help but wonder when (and that’s just it, WHEN) these guys will be hit with their next Stop Work Order. Aside from numerous complaints about undermining the adjacent property, they have been nailed for doing work contrary to the plans filed with the Department of Buildings and seem to have a chronic problem keeping their paperwork in order. Probably because they’re too busy letting hormones get the better of them.
I give them one month.
Thoughts, anyone?
Miss Heather
P.S.: Those of you who want to learn about underpinning should click here. The D.O.B. has a nice little presentation to share with you.
Define-a-Thon Tonight At Word Books
Filed under: Area 51
It has come to my attention that Word Books will be hosting their first Define-a-thon this evening at 8:00 p.m. What is a “Define-a-thon”, you ask. Well, the email I received announcing this event sheds some light on this:
Move over spelling bee. Just because you can spell a word doesn’t mean you know how to use it. From the editors of The American Heritage Dictionary comes the Define–a–Thon, a competitive word challenge.
Illiteracy is a sad truth in our society. Little brains trying to use big words (our Chimp in Chief immediately comes to mind) is another. Go to this event. Maybe you’ll even learn a new word or two to perplex our fearless leader with.
Nothing breaks Miss Heather’s heart more than telling someone to go fuck fornicate himself only to get a blank expression in return:
An insult is a terrible thing to waste.
If the previous isn’t sufficient motivation for you, dear readers to attend the Define-a-Thon maybe this is: I have been told there will be prizes for the winners.
Word Books
126 Franklin Street
Brooklyn, NY 11222
(718) 383-0096
Miss Heather
Bad Finger
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
As some of you may have noticed, I have had a “thing” for the Department of Buildings of late. My reasons for disliking this agency are too plentiful to go into here. Let’s just say I think a thorough cleansing of the department from top to bottom wouldn’t hurt. In fact, I bet there are a few overworked, motivated and (dare I say it) honest inspectors under their employ who would back me up on this. If such a person is reading this, please shoot me an email. I would love to talk to you.
But I digress.
Today’s installment of Greenpoint goodness involves a former building inspector turned landlord, a disgruntled tenant and a finger. No not that finger. I am speaking of the kind of finger which usually graces one’s hand. Usually. Therein lies the crux of the following tale of digital divestiture from the August 18, 1878 edition of the New York Times entitled “A Strange Hospital Tale”. Enjoy!
Bedbugs aren’t the only things that will bite you in Greenpoint. Fuck those candy-ass “Beware of Dog” signs; they should make one which reads Beware of Tenant!
Miss Heather
NYS Flickr Pool
