Bushwhacking in Bushwick

I am happy to announce that after two whole days my communication with the outside world has been restored! This could not have happened soon enough. I was getting really tired of schlepping down to my friend’s apartment in Bushwick to do what most people take for granted, e.g.; check email, upload photos and write blog posts— but enough with the negativity.

During the two days I trekked back and forth from there I found two different ad hoc advertisements offering services of a, uh, highly specialized nature.

August 8, 2007

I found this one on the Manhattan-bound platform of the L train at Montrose Avenue. Let’s go in for a close look, shall we?

You know, one does not find such truth in advertising nowadays. I don’t know about you, but I find Danielle’s honesty refreshing.

August 9, 2007

I found this missive scrawled on a door immediately after I disembarked from the B43 bus at Scholes Street. As it would happen, I was in the very condition that Miriam (reputedly) craves when I read this. Unfortunately, after pounding the pavement with a panty’s worth of “girly gravy” on a very humid day her services didn’t appeal to me. Nonetheless, I was touched by her offer; it made me feel wanted. Maybe next time month.

Miss Heather

Fun with Craigslist: Part II

People can take everything away from you
But they can never take away your truth
But the question is…
Can you handle mine?

– Britney Spears

As promised, here is the second installment of of Miss Heather’s Shitbag Experience. Grab a bottle Dramamine and fasten your safety belt, it’s going to be a long and bumpy ride.

One gent proved to be very impatient.

like you ad i’m 47 a musician i’m married and would love to have some fun at your expense tonite

(Later the same day)

i’m shocked i haven’t heard from you. i’m perfect for what you are looking for. i envision our night out as- going to some cheesy bar, getting you drunk and going off to some motel in jersy with you. it will be a threesome – you me and a contianer of baby oil. or better yet your apatment where we can do all sorts of things in the places your sweet boyfriend will want to them at !! send me an email and i’ll give you my cell #

Four words: I LOVE THIS GUY!

OH PLEASE CONSIDER ME, I AM AN EQUISITE SHITBAG, VERY CLEAN, SEXUALLY MOTIVATED AND INTO FANTASIES.

I forwarded this one to a friend of mine. She loved it so much she taped to her computer monitor at work. Next to a photo of an enormous bucket of shrimp with the caption “ready for the red sauce”. I mention this because (for some reason) it seems relevant.

Two chaps knew exactly what I was “looking for/wanted”. This was very helpful given that I did not— and still don’t. I am Helen Keller sans Annie Sullivan in a world that is beyond my comprehension. It’s probably better that way. The few times I have interfaced with the “real world” it gave me the creeps. Not unlike this guy.

I am definitely interested. I’m a 25 year old doctor and I am exactly what you are looking for. write back asap

If this is what the medical profession has to offer nowadays, god help us all.

Oh, about me. 0’s WM profession, on the Dominant side sexually. I know what you want… smile……..

Oh yeah, here is the photo he sent.

I spent WASTED roughly ten years of my life getting abuse from 40-something year old men wearing suits. Most call it work; I call it pure unadulterated hell. At least when I worked in “Corporate America” I got paid for it, albeit terribly. Why the hell would I want to subject myself to the same kind of bullshit (doled out by the same-said type of shithead) on my free time without compensation? That’s sick; I am a masochist for pay, not choice.

Of course when all else fails (especially your self-esteem and/or personality), nothing says “pick me” like a curricula vitae/resume. If you’re trolling for whores anyway. I am not a whore. I give it away for free, hence why I am a miserable failure as a capitalist and a slut par excellence.

Hi-

Maybe I should audition for you. Here is why:

In four days, my significant other is coming back to NYC, and I feel like you do.

I love red haired women. I love freckles on them too. I love wondering if they are red all over their maps.

I remember a James Bond movie— don’t remember which one it was, but it had Sean Connery in it. He made a quip about “collars and cuffs matching”. Though course it had a certain Rabelaisian wit to it. This man is no James Bond. Then again, who the hell would expect to meet James Bond on Craigslist anyway? Unless of course it’s Daniel Craig’s list.

I love small breasts. In my face, preferably.

I’m handsome, successful, mid-forties, television producer with blue eyes, and great body. I will make you act silly, too. I will also stoke your fire, if you let me. I can also be as dirty as you want, but safe too.

All offers considered.

(OH PLEASE CONSIDER ME, I AM AN EQUISITE SHITBAG— Ed. Note)

I’m a very intelligent, handsome, middle-aged caucasin successful businessman who has recently moved into midtown New York. Although I have visited here often, I do not know anyone here, and would love to find a friend to help me explore the city.

I believe in spoiling the woman who spoils me. I am a polite gentleman, who is knowledgeable on many subjects.

My photo is attached.

A return pic, with the title of your craig’s listing, would be nice.

New York Shitty sure has a lot of “handsome” and “successful” middle-aged men in it. Who knew?

I asked for a shitbag and I get a pro bono cleaning boy instead. This world is a very strange place indeed!

Sounds like you could use a cleaning boy? I’d do all your housework for FREE. I do amazing work, and I would never expect anything at all in return. You wouldn’t have to keep me entertained or supervise me. I’d work independently like an ordinary cleaning person, except I’d work more diligently and conscientiously. I’d scrub floors, wash dishes, do windows, whatever you require. …I have a pic for trade.

I didn’t believe this guy was for real so I emailed him back. Not only will he clean your house for free, but he’s also a human ashtray. Wow.

Heather,

It would be great if you gave me the chance to clean for you. I really would do great work, and even if I’m not a shitbag, I can certainly try to fit the role. Maybe i’d even wear a sign reading “shitbag” around my neck while i scrubbed your floors and did your dishes. It’s actually very hard for me to find people to let me do their cleaning because when i offer to do it for free, they’re immediately suspicious.

On the other hand, when i’ve put up CL ads offering to clean for pay, all the responses I received were from men who wanted to pay me 20 bucks or 40 bucks to clean their apts. Well, I have no problem cleaning for free, but I have to do it for a woman or a couple. I hope you can help me out.

And I’m not only a shitbag, but I’m also a human ashtray and punching bag. Of course, I wouldn’t expect any kind of play or amusement if I cleaned for you (or your colleagues). I would just provide serious cleaning.

I also run errands, do any kind of manual labor, and do all kinds of office work (MAKE THIS MAN AN INTERN!— Ed. Note), if you have any use for those services. I’m in Brooklyn, and I have a pic, if you’d like to see it.

Shitbag the Cleaning Ashtray

I didn’t think my (now) husband would be too keen on this arrangement so I forwarded this email to a girlfriend of mine. Don’t know if she ever took his offer up, though. She won’t talk about it.

Last, but not least, I learn of an EXCITING CAREER OPPORTUNITY!

Test shoots for erotic videos….they range from Hard R -Changing clothes,posing,showering,to X -hand job or blow job to completion….On Video……Modeling is 100$,HJ is extra 50$,and BJ is extra 100$…..Make up to 200$ for half hours work….work today,get paid today….Test Shoot and will not be sold or broadcast…..respond WITH A PICTURE(need to see face and body,clothed is ok)and what you are interested in if interested….work today,get paid today……safe respectful professional 1 on 1 shooting environment with very goodlooking guy……WOMEN ONLY……..

Now let me tell you a little about my work/life situation when I received the above missive. I was working a horrid job that paid $35,000 a year. I had just thrown out a roommate who stiffed me for $900. I had to put my student loans on forbearance so I could pay his share of (overdue) rent and avoid having my electricity disconnected. I was angry. VERY ANGRY. But being the chirpy little corporate shill I was, I responded professionally.

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing you to thank you for your job offer. When I placed my ad on Craigslist’s W4M personals for a “Total Shitbag” last week I had no idea that this could be the beginning of a lucrative enterprise; not only could I interface with a number of “shitbags” as I like to call them, but I could also have a considerable source of secondary income.

My boyfriend is growing rather keen on pimping me out, as I am woefully underemployed and make no better financial contribution to the household than being a tax write-off. In addition, the opportunity you offer would neither be a more unorthodox use of nor further insult to my level of education (BFA, magna cum laude, MFA) than my current situation.

Please advise me of any benefits I may receive through your employ, viz a viz, 401K, health, dental, vacation, etc. I will be delighted to send you personal and professional references upon request.

Sincerely,

Heather

And here’s what I got back.

ok……..so,if interested a picture and further definition of what part of my project you are interested in would be mandatory for us to continue foward……….

So there have you. Many women look for shitbags unwittingly. They are practicing amateurs in my eyes and the caliber of shitbag they (undoubtedly) attract reflects their ineptitude. Now let’s review what I (a seasoned shitbag specialist) was offered:

1. oodles of creepy anonymous/suspect sex
2. two or three sugar daddies
3. verbal/physical abuse from a suit man
4. free housecleaning
5. a new career in the porn industry
6. and probably STD or two

But alas, all I got was two crappy blog posts and a lot of laughs.

Not too bad if I say so myself. Though I am still tempted to contact the “the cleaning ashtray” on occasion.

Miss Heather

A(nother) Very Special Thanks To BARC

It gives me great pleasure to announce that my former neighbor (and despoiler of my bedroom windows), Haile Selassie, has been adopted! While it saddens me that I wasn’t there to say goodbye to him, it makes me happy to know he now has a home with someone who loves him. Once again, I cannot thank BARC enough for the great work they did getting Haile to trust people again (he loves head rubs but isn’t very big on having his nails clipped). I have no doubts that he is one very happy chap nowadays.

Otherwise it looks like BARC’s Annual Dog Parade and Show is slated for October 14th. I have been invited to participate in the parade and am very excited about it! Thanks again, guys (and gals)!

In closing I am going to leave you with this heart-meltingly cute YouTube flick of another kitty who was lucky enough to find his way to BARC. His name is Albert (as in Albert Einstein) and you can learn more about him and his siblings here.

ALBERT TAKES A BATH

If only my tummy was this cute!

Miss Heather

Peter J. McGuinness… Art Lover?

This week’s installment of Greenpoint goodness features two things Miss Heather loves:

1. Art
2. Peter “Pete” J. McGuinness

Known to most as little more than the namesake of a rather lackluster bit of road in Greenpoint, “The McGuinness” (as he was called) is my role model. Loud-mouthed, crude, contrarian assholes like us tend to stick together, and besides, what can you not love about a man who once said (regarding Prohibition):

It’s a shame to allow whiskey to lie idle when there’s people at Death’s door that might be saved by it.

On top of a shared affection for intoxicating substances I recently learned that Pete and I have something else in common: we both are art lovers. Who knew? Here is an article from the February 22, 1935 edition of the New York Times entitled “Brooklyn Beckons To Civic Virtue”. Enjoy!

Do not let Pete’s colorful rhetoric fool you; this man was not stupid. His career surviving the Seabury Commission‘s investigation of Tammany Hall is a testament to his wiliness. And of course, being buddies with Fiorello La Guardia probably didn’t hurt either.

Those of you who are looking a slightly meatier piece of summer reading (and want to learn more about the Seabury Hearings and the fall of Tammany), check out Once Upon a Time in New York by Herbert Mitgang. While a little tedious here and there, it is completely worth taking the time to read.

Miss Heather

Congrats to Casa Mon Amour!

From today’s edition of the New York Post:

For those of you who are not in the know, Casa Mon Amour was the location of last month’s blogger meet-up here in Greenpoint. Had it not been for Beatrice’s hard work, gracious manners— and let us not forget— excellent cooking, it would not have been the smashing success it was.

Way to go Beatrice!

Miss Heather

P.S.: It is also nice to see that Vox Pop, the location of June’s blogger meet-up in Flatbush (which was organized by the incomparable Xris of Flatbush Gardener) got recognition. On top of being a nifty little bookstore, they have some kind of bio-dynamic and/or organic Syrah there that is among the tastiest I have ever had. If you’re in the area, give it a whirl!

A Couple of Activities for Art Lovers

Next month Greenpoint’s very own Cafe Grumpy will be hosting “The Hearts and Crafts Affair”. Those of you who are interested in participating can get more information by sending an email to:

theheartsandcraftsaffair (at) hotmail (dot) com

Cafe Grumpy
193 Meserole Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11222
www.cafegrumpy.com

Over in Long Island City I happened upon a devilishly hilarious show at Art-O-Mat L.I.C. Per the announcement on their web site:

Art-O-Mat is pleased to introduce cartoon artist Johnny Coughlan and present THE WORLD ACCORDING TO JOHNNY COUGHLAN. Reminiscent of the underground cartoon era, his world of unique characters and perspectives is filled with humor and truth. The work reveals an artist who is continually in search of self while at the same time confident in his world view. His ability to capture the contemplative mind is thoughtful and immediate. His skill at pinpointing the essence of self, the world around us, and our basic daily experience is complemented by his skillful graphic stylings

There is a simplicity that challenges the viewer to dig deeper into the human condition. At the same time Johnny Coughlan’s work sizzles and pops off the page. Johnny has an eye for the frail edges of our world and can push the absurdities into the forefront. At times he is talking to us through the use of signs that are his personally scribed Public Service Announcements. In some instances the signs are simple affirmations that reveal Coughlan’s inner struggle to move forward in life.

In the “Staffino” we snicker at the cynicism that rules the work place but the humor allows us to momentarily suspend resentment. The work depicts the basic nature of things as they are but leaves open the question of where we go from there. “Television” extolls the virtue of doing something that merits fame rather than being enamored with fame. It grabs at our ego long enough to suggest that fame might be best deserved by developing oneself from the inside out. There is a parable-like quality to many works. – in particular those that are virtual advertisements such as one that proclaims “Life – You figure it out.” His invented characters such as “Mouse Rabbit” deliver Zen messages. They promote healthy self development.

All the previous wordage may very well be true, but let’s face facts: this is just plain hilarious! Gallery hours are Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays from 12:00 – 7:00 p.m. or by appointment. For more details click on the above image (and you will directed to their website) or shoot them an email at:

artomat (at) licweb (dot) com

I cannot understate how great this show is. Do make it a point to check it out. It closes September 2nd.

Art-O-Mat L.I.C.
46-46 Vernon Avenue
Long Island City, New York 11101

Miss Heather

P.S.: Oh yeah, while you’re over in Long Island City check out the Borden Avenue Bridge. I did so for the first time recently. It’s really neat and an excellent place to take photographs!