Great Moments in Greenpoint Siding, Volume VIII

Recently my buddy over at Word Books was in distress. She was perplexed by a rather snarky and peculiar quip Daily Intelligencer made about the sign she made advertising an “Adults Only” Harry Potter release party. She even asked me if I was responsible for this. I told her no. This is the truth.

I’ll be honest; I find the fascination some adults (especially middle-aged adults) have for Ms. Rowling’s body of work a little creepy. Not unlike Star Trek groupies who elect to exchange their wedding vows in Klingon. Both of the previous types of people are beyond my comprehension.

That said, I know damn well that I am in no position whatsoever to judge people for what they read because my reading habits are pretty fucking peculiar in their own right. Sex workers and sideshow freaks are of particular interest to yours truly. Regarding the latter, I recently finished a book entitled “The Lives and Loves of Daisy and Violet Hilton.” I purchased this book from (where else?) Word Books.

Who are the Hiltons, you ask? First off, they are in no way related to THOSE Hiltons. In fact, their actual surname is not Hilton at all. Those of you who have seen Tod Browning’s Freaks have seen them; they were the Siamese twins.

This weekend, as I was giving Mikeypod a grand tour of Greenpoint, I showed him our very own Siamese house.

You can find this freak of architectural nature on Norman Avenue. The best I can reckon is someone took the house on the right (which faces Jewel Street) and grafted its hindquarters to the house on the left. It also appears that they added a little eagle’s nest to the top (for what purpose, I do not know— maybe this is its head?). The solitary Fedders box on the western section of the first floor is a nice touch. It sort of looks like a wart.

The siding salesman probably retired on the profits he made sheathing and Fedderizing this fucker. And that folks is why this frankenhouse merits recognition as a great moment in Greenpoint siding!

Miss Heather

Great Moments in Greenpoint Vinyl Siding, Volume VI

After last week’s selection I have been hard-pressed to find an exceptional example of siding to showcase this week. Until yesterday, that is. Before vinyl and aluminum siding became the benchmark in Greenpoint there was asphalt siding. There is still plenty of it to be found too.

The above Fred T. Sanford-esque “wall” alone employs at least five types of vintage siding for your viewing pleasure. If you think the sight of this is ugly (and I for one don’t), wait until you see what has gone up across the street.

I am going to go out on a limb here and make a prediction: fugtastic and cheap-looking Neoclassical condos are going to be the “vinyl siding” of the future.

Miss Heather

Great Moments in Greenpoint Vinyl Siding, Volume IV

Today’s eyesore is a little different that its predecessors. Vinyl siding is involved— in more ways than one.

The above sign can be found at 609 Manhattan Avenue. Not surprisingly, the office for Belvedere Partners is located almost directly across the street from this grossly inappropriate (and legally questionable) piece of advertising. One has to wonder what the neighbors must think about being forced to look at this turd everyday. Call me presumptuous, but I doubt they like it very much. I also suspect the FDNY might have a few things to say about it too, but this is just an educated guess.

Could you imagine what would happen if someone had the chutzpah to do this on Bedford Avenue? Or better yet— Seventh Avenue in Park Slope. There would be rioting on the streets. Yet, doing this in Greenpoint is perfectly acceptable. Interesting. Then again, maybe this building got tired of the endemic neighborhood stink and the sign serves as some sort of mask.

In closing, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out my favorite feature of 609 Manhattan Avenue.

Your eyes are not deceiving you. The person(s) who installed this tarp DRILLED HOLES in the vinyl siding in order to anchor this sign. Very nice. Being a horror movie buff myself, I feel compelled to point out that this house reminds me one of the cenobites in the movie Hellraiser.

Miss Heather

P.S.: I have started a new group on flickr called “The Greenpoint Condominium Cavalcade“. Check it out.

Great Moments in Greenpoint Vinyl Siding, Volume III

Miss Heather is a big fan of self-expression. If you want to (for example) adorn the front door of your two story house with leopard print, I say knock yourself out. In my opinion such unusual and modest customizations to one’s home only add to the overall quirkiness and character of my neighborhood.

Unfortunately, since New York City has no architectural review board whatsoever, it also gives carte blanche for some miscreant (whose money far exceeds his taste) to make a much bigger and bolder imprint on Greenpoint’s landscape. The end result is usually pretty jarring, if not downright hideous. Take this building on Leonard Street (please!!!).

Pretty fucking fug, isn’t it? Well, wait ’til you see what’s next door.

Shit like this makes me happy there isn’t some nosy government entity (or homeowner’s organization) to mess with my man on Leonard Street’s right to bear siding. All the way down to the last fucking inch of his property.

The window box on the third floor is a nice touch, don’t you think?

Miss Heather

Great Moments in Greenpoint Vinyl Siding, Volume II

Last week “Dupreciate” left a compelling comment regarding my first installment of Greenpoint vinyl siding goodness. He wrote:

This past Sunday I noticed a building on Nassau getting a nice vinyl siding upgrade, as the original siding was dry-rotted and falling off the building. Rather than replace the offending layer, these dudes were just throwing up new siding over the old. I like to think that this building (and others like it), are only going to get bigger and bigger as the years pass as more layers are tacked on.

For the last week I have been unable to get the previous image out of my mind. What’s more, this weekend I found evidence that what “Dupreciate” saw is not an uncommon practice. Here’s a couple of pictures of a house getting a makeover on Nassau Avenue.

Yummy.

I envision vinyl siding gradually swallowing all its non-sheathed companions like a python. Fedders buildings, Belvederes, 110 Green Street and tasteful residences alike will be easy prey. Resistance is futile. Eventually Greenpoint will become one giant conglomerated mass of mismatched siding. Sheltered from the elements we will dwell within this dark labyrinth like a tribe of Morlocks.

Or would that be Polocks?

Miss Heather