Greenpoint
Lorven Pharmacy
Culture on the Cheap
Looks like someone forgot to take their pill…
Filed under: Area 51
Today I had to make a quick trip to Manhattan to run an errand. I was totally not in the mood to go out, but the following poster (which can be found on the Queens-bound platform at the Greenpoint Avenue stop of the G train) made the trek totally worth it.
Be sure to check out the ‘Detail’ photo for maximum effect.
Looks like someone isn’t a morning person…
Miss Heather
Props to the “Poop Report”
Filed under: Area 51
When I recounted my rather unpleasant (and downright dangerous) experience at the McGolrick Park bathroom recently, I had no idea that it would strike a chord with so many people. I was (and still am) pretty surprised by the number of comments I received. On a whim (and per the recommendation of one commentor), I forwarded my tale of woe to The Poop Report.
Not only did the peeps at ‘Poop’ feature my story, but it would appear that I am a hero to a number of their readers. “Thunderous Crapper 36” raves:
Splendid act of turd terrorism there young lady you are to be commended. Dave is there some kind of medal of honor to give her? After all she did teach two absolute idiots a lesson I hope. A public toilet should be cleaned BETTER than you would clean your own just by the sheer number of people who use it!
“Anonymous” concurred:
This is probably the cleanest incident of turd terrorism on record. Kind of like a bio-weapon attack. — can’t see the poop but it’s there!
“Bunga Din” (whose screen name is fucking BRILLIANT – Ed. note) waxed poetic:
NastyASSity is the mother of invention, great report Miss Heather!!!
I guess if I was German I could say of your title: The city so nice, she named it sheisse!
And lastly, “Anal about Poop” applauded my ingenuity:
Ahhh, New York Shitty. It takes a special kind of someone to love that city. That was some ingenious thinking MH. I would have settled for the ATM receipts.
Thank you Poop Report! Your readers have helped me to understand that my ordeal was not about utter humiliation or a brush with mortality: it is a tale of triumph and defiance in the face of worthless lazy public servants.
Miss Heather
Anyone lose a bone?
A rawhide bone, that is.
If you happen to live in far north Greenpoint and lost your 12″ long bone, don’t worry: I found it.
I discovered this hilarious item while getting a cup of coffee this morning. What really puzzles me is that I know of no dog owners in the immediate area. I used to think that one of our neighbors had a dog, but I later figured out it was one of their children. I am not kidding. Maybe it’s his?
Needless to say, this oddity has been added to my “Backdoor Crapstavaganza“.
Miss Heather
Ask a New Yorker
Filed under: Area 51
This evening I popped on over to Ask A New Yorker to see what’s shaking. Boy am I glad I did, because I came across this guy. Check him out, the man’s a fucking genius.
Miss Heather
This has been brought to my attention
Filed under: Area 51
Yesterday at around 5:00 p.m. I got a call from my husband. Without saying “Hello”, “How are you”, or whatever one usually says when someone answers the phone, he asked me a question: “Do you know what Details magazine is?
Me: Yes, I do.
Husband: Well, they know who you are.
This is page 105 from this month’s Details magazine.
Whoever is responsible for making this happen, thank you!
Miss Heather
P.S.: The daughter of a friend of ours found this. Here’s how it happened…
Someone left the magazine on the subway and she picked it up and was reading it and there it was.
Space Pirate at 1059 Manhattan Avenue
Filed under: Area 51
I have to admit it: ever since the Gowanus Lounge started featuring crappy construction fences I’ve been noticing them EVERYWHERE. Seriously.
In the case of the above monstrousity, I didn’t have to look very hard: it takes up most of the fucking sidewalk.
Although I am very happy to see that a new fence has been erected (or at least re-vamped— one time when I peeked through the old, crappy one I beheld an old woman lifting up her skirt to take a CRAP), is it really necessary to take up so much of the sidewalk? A sidewalk, I will add, that is ALREADY pretty damned difficult to negotiate. I do not know if this is illegal (or not), but as far as I’m concerned it is a serious safety hazard.
This strip of Manhattan Avenue is an unavoidable gauntlet for the people who live in far north Greenpoint. At least the ones who eat, anyway: all the grocery stores to be had in this ‘hood are south of Huron Street. Not only I have I come close to falling down while hiking through this patch, but I have seen many an elderly person struggle to make passage with his/her pushcart (which is undoubtedly) laden with foodstuffs.
Not cool.
All I’m saying is if I fall down while heading home from the liquor store (and bust open a bottle of wine or MY HEAD), there will be HELL to pay. Mark my words…
Miss Heather
Behold, the softer side of the MTA!
As I was taking a walk this afternoon I came across a kitty cat condo complex par excellence. For those of you who are not in the know, the property in question is where the MTA maintains a sizeable fleet of buses. I think it is safe to say that (at least) one of their employees is a cat lover.
These cats have a pretty fierce set-up: six units, a recreation center, free kibble, the works. Although I was unable to conduct a closer inspection of these ‘apartments’ (the concierge in the above photo explicitly forbade me doing so), I’d wager they’re probably a lot nicer than my own. (Though now that I think of it, that isn’t really saying much.)
No wonder these guys want to raise our fares; they’re blowing our hard-earned cash on tinsel balls, Meow Mix and catnip!
I’m outraged!
Miss Heather
P.S.: Just kidding— I think it’s cute, actually. Whatever you do, be sure to check out the embedded “Detail” photo; they have even gone to the trouble to INSULATE these bad boys. Incredible.
Beaver Shot Barbie
I found this at a local 99 cent store today. I have heard of accidental panty-flashings, etc., but for fuck’s sake— this gal isn’t even trying to conceal her (admittedly non-existent) naughty bits! The coy facial expression says it all: this woman knows damn well what she’s doing. Tramp.
The cocked head is also telling: upon closer inspection one will notice that she has a wonky eye just like Paris Hilton! At least this moll is encased in a prophylactic sheath to protect the general public.
Miss Heather
Greenpoint Gentile Fondler
As I indicated in yesterday’s post, I no longer try to fathom the depths of human stupidity. It is simply too big (and depressing) a task. That said, as I was checking my email last night, I came across something in my inbox that reminded me of yet another ‘golden rule’ I espouse: the world is teeming with idiots, many of whom also happen to be flaming perverts. Perverts the like of which make Dan Hoyt seem downright respectable by comparison.
This email featured a caveat circulating amongst the McCarren Park Dog Run Association. My tipster (whose husband happens to be a dog walker) wrote:
The following email crossed my monitor yesterday… I’ve fact-checked, and the events detailed seem to be true. As f-ed up as the situation is, see if you can find the most awesome Freudian-slip spelling error EVER (even since before Jesus and the dinosaurs roamed the planet together, singing “Kumbaya”).
I read what she forwarded me. Not believing what I had just read, I read it again. Once the content began to sink in, I got a queasy feeling in my stomach— and it wasn’t due to my husband airing out his balls while watching television either (which is what he was doing at the time). The Dog Shit Queen of Greenpoint was grossed out.
Follows is a condensed version of what I read. Be advised that after reading this item one may have the utmost desire to:
- Gouge his/her eyeballs out.
- Vomit. Repeatedly.
If this happens to you, dear readers, fear not: it’s normal. Without further ado, here it is. In all its abject glory…
I wanted to send you an email that I hope you can send out to others you know who use the McCarren dog run. I was at the run this morning (02/27) at about 9:00 am when I was approached by a Hasidic male who was asking me questions about my dog (breed, gender, etc)… When I left the run to bring my dog across the street to Must Luv Dogs, he approached me and asked if he could pet my dog. I told him yes, and as he was petting my dog’s head, he took his other hand and started fondling my dog’s gentiles. I saw what he was doing, pulled my dog away, and loudly told him off. He left the park very quickly.
When I went into MLD, they told me that he has been in the day care before, asking to hold the dogs, and that (he) had fondled another dog’s gentiles that was with a female owner.
I found this to be very disturbing and alerted the NYPD. While nothing will probably will come of it, anyone at the dog run who is approached by a mid-30’s to early 40’s Hasidic male, with dark brown hair and glasses should be careful.
This week I have learned about the existence of Greenpoint Nazis, people who lose their guinea pigs (in public parks), and now, Hasidic “gentile” fondlers. This dude gives the term “community outreach” a whole new meaning. I feel so dirty.
I can only imagine what next week will bring. God help me.
Miss Heather
P.S.: No one better lay a finger on my gentiles; if they do I’ll kick their fucking ass!
Anyone Lose a Guinea Pig?
Filed under: Area 51
Today, just like the the day before, I have been busy uploading pictures to my Flickr page. Ten minutes ago I came across the following gem and almost fell out of my chair laughing.
Why would someone carry a guinea pig around in a bag?
How does one manage to lose a guinea pig?
Is this a subtle attempt to collect ransom for guinea pignapping?
If so, why kidnap guinea pigs? It seems to me that the house apes running around Carroll Park (under the less-than-watchful eyes of their nannies) would be a lot more lucrative.
The previous are all very good questions… and Hell if I know what the answers are.
However, it should be noted that every time I think I have beheld the end all, be all of abject fucking stupidity, some miscreant comes along and proves me wrong.
I can only hope this tale had a happy ending. Think of the guinea pigs, people!
Miss Heather
NYS Flickr Pool
