Mr. Heather the Handyman

I recently received an email from someone who not only heaped praise upon my person, but also that of Mr. Heather, It read as follows:

You are an incredible photographer, you’re intelligent, funny, and your cool husband likes trains!

ADOPT ME!

Mystified as to why anyone would call my husband “cool” (I can think of at least 25 reasons off the top of my head why he is not), I wrote back.

Thank you, but my husband is *NOT* cool. He is a colossal dork who works on the computer for hours on end with no clothes on.

The above reply may sound mean-spirited to some but I assure you that was not my intent. I was simply being honest. It hurts me as much to see the aforementioned activity as it hurt you, dear readers, to read about it. Probably more.

The previous having been said, Mr. Heather does have his moments. They are usually had at the most inopportune times regarding subject matter considered odd to most —but he does have them. In fact, he had one this weekend. At 3:00 a.m. Sunday morning after six hours of watching Zero Mostel movies and drinking sangria, to be precise.

Truth be told I should have gone to bed much earlier. But after being on my feet for over eight hours (and interfacing with the public in all its idiotic glory) knocking back wine and singing along to “Spring Time for Hitler” was therapeutic. It was fun, to be perfectly honest. Besides, had I not stayed up so late I would have missed Mr. Heather’s latest “special moment”.

My husband has a Rain Man type quality to him. He is the king of non-sequitors. Or at least I tell myself this when he asks me questions like the following while I am rummaging around the kitchen in the wee hours of the morning:

So how do you like your new toy?

Me: Um, it’s okay. It vibrates too much so I do not turn it on.
Mr. Heather: I could put a resistor in it. That might fix your problem.
Me (mouth hanging open): ???

My puzzled expression netted me a five minute lecture about electricity. It was all stuff I had learned in high school. Or I think I did, anyway. Twenty years later at three in the morning is not the time to quiz me on such matters.

I have given his offer much thought and I think I am going to let the mister pimp out my vibrator. The entertainment value alone is worth it. If he is successful, I may very well pimp out my husband’s services to others who are experiencing similar problems. It would not only be a public service, but it might also prove to be a nice source of supplemental income.

Living with a colossal dork is hardly sexy, but sometimes it’s damned convenient.

Miss Heather

Sunday Stoop Sale Round-up

Any Greenpointers out there who prefer bargain-hunting to the Pulaski Day Parade, you’re in luck: two stoop sales are slated for tomorrow, October 7th right here in the Garden Spot. First up…

115 India Street, 11:00 a.m. – 3:00 p.m.

Secondly…

184 Franklin Street, AKA The Astral, hours not indicated

I’m not too sure I would want to buy clothing from someone who resides in this building, much less someone moving out of it. Then again I have heard from a number of reliable sources that the bedbug infestation is localized on the India Street wing, so you’re probably safe. Probably. All I’m saying is if you get some “added value” with the sweater you just bought, don’t come crying to me.

Happy shopping and don’t let the bedbugs bite!

Miss Heather

P.S.: Those of you looking for a (purportedly bedbug) free, no-frills couch might want to head to 145 North 9th Street.

This chartreuse-colored couch may not be easy on the eyes, but at $0.00 it’s easy on your wallet. You can take the money you save and buy a nice slipcover. Take my word for it folks, sofas like this are the reason why god invented ’em! Baby shit green. Yummy.

Puppies, Anyone?

I rarely, if ever, post more than four items a day. Today I am going to make an exception and overcome my innate laziness for these furry friends.

Per Rebecca11222, a frequent New York Shitty contributor and commenter, these very cute lab mix puppies were found under a highway overpass. That’s all I know. Anyone interested in giving any of these guys (or gals) a home should email Rebecca at:

Rebecca11222 (at) hotmail (dot) com

Miss Heather

10/05/07: It has been brought to my attention that these dogs are no longer for adoption. Please see the comment left by Mr. Belvedere to learn more.

A Few Events in Greenpoint and Beyond

Wow, do I have a slew of goodies I have neglected to pass along! Here they are.

Dalaga NYC is currently having their We Love Fall Sale. Per their press release:

When that first Fall crisp hits the air it makes us happy, and we wanna make you happy with a fresh Fall sale. Join us this week October 2nd to 7th and receive 10% off sweaters and jeans.

Just in time for NEW arrivals……

• Fab fall tights and knee highs
• Cozy cotton and cashmere blend sweaters
• Organic cotton men’s shirts and henleys
• Seriously soft shawls

“Yummy Dalaga cocktails” are also in the offering. Boozehounds and fashion mavens unite…

and head down to Dalaga!

Dalaga NYC
150 Franklin Street
Brooklyn, NY 11222
(877) 287-8395

Hours: Tuesday – Thursday 2:00 – 9:00 p.m.
Friday – Sunday 12:00 -9:00 p.m.

Next up, Mo Willems will be at Word Books this Thursday, October 4 from 5:00 -7:00 p.m. Those who are interested in attending should R.S.V.P. by sending an email to:

info (at) wordbooks (dot) com

Word Books
126 Franklin Street Brooklyn, NY 11222
(718) 383-0096

Hours: Tuesday – Saturday: 11:00 a.m. – 7:00 p.m.
Sunday: 12:00 p.m. – 6:00 p.m.

Off the beaten (Garden Spot) path, I received the following press release this morning regarding the upcoming launch of Y Personal Fitness in Bedford Stuyvesant. Here is a (very) general rundown:

WHO: The YMCA of Greater New York and national fitness expert Michael J. Spezzano will Launch “Y Personal Fitness,” a 12-week personalized exercise program, at a press conference/open house. The YMCA of Greater New York is a community service organization which promotes positive values through programs that build spirit, mind and body.

WHAT: The Y Personal Fitness program is rolled out at all 19 Greater New York YMCA branches, the largest regional launch.

WHEN: Thursday, October 4 at 10:00 a.m.

WHERE: Bedford-Stuyvesant YMCA Branch: 1121 Bedford Avenue, (at Monroe Street), Brooklyn

For more information, please contact Jessica Fletcher at:

jessica (dot) fletcher (at) lotus-pr (dot) com

Lastly, I will once again admonish my fellow Greenpointers to beeline it to the Polonaise Terrace tomorrow night for the mayor’s visit. Be there and bitch (politely, please), or stay home and quit bitching. You can read Brooklyn11211‘s excellent post about this upcoming event by clicking here.

Back to prepping my construction calamity dossier for tomorrow night, I have a date with the mayor!

Miss Heather

Calling All Kitties in New York Shitty!

I recently received an email from the proprietor of Working Class Cats asking me to help him with a project he is cooking up. “Tom Cat” writes:

I am trying to branch out of Greenpoint as much as possible (though there a few more cats I want to capture here). But ultimately, I want several cats from each borough and several neighborhoods in each borough. So I guess if you have blogger friends or other wise that might know of shop cats in other neighborhoods please let me know

I hope I am not being a pest but any info you can give me would be fantastic.

So there have you. I for one think creating a map of the hard working (and even harder napping) cats of the five boros is a neat idea. Anyone up for giving this chap a hand paw?

Miss Heather

Photo Credit: Working Class Cats

Models Wanted At the Astral

This morning I received an alarming email from my neighbor and all-around casserole whiz, Emily. She writes:

There sure is a mushroom growing from my ceiling:

http://eefers.com/blog/2007/10/life-in-astral.html

I’ll be frank. I have heard a lot of bad things about the Astral. Mostly that it is a total dump whose north-facing wing has a bedbug infestation. What I did not know, however, is the Super is too busy shooting amateur boudoir photography to do anything about it.

How did I find out this piece of information, you ask? Very simple: Eefers Googled her Superintendent’s name and this gent’s portfolio at “Model Mayhem” was the first item to pop up.

I wish I had learned about this excellent opportunity earlier. If I did, I would have contacted this guy. I could use a little extra money for Christmas shopping this year.

Miss Heather

Photo Credit: The Thing. No, it is not the Super of the Astral. Sorry folks!

Has Anyone Seen An Albino Ferret?

If so, someone in Flushing would like to talk to you. Flakito is sorely missed.

This gem comes from Lisanne over at Found in Brooklyn. She writes:

Hey Miss Heather……..i saw this flyer for a missing albino ferret in Flushing today and thought of you for some reason, don’t know if it’s your thing but the weird thing to me was that all the numbers were pulled off the flyer, so i guess a lot of people have seen it running around…if you have a slow news day thought you might have some insight…

or not!

There is never a day in Miss Heather’s life when she is too busy to spread the word about Flakito the fugitive Flushing ferret. Please help this special pet (who even eats “special food”) find his way home. They’re even offering a $100 reward.

Thanks again Lisanne for this excellent find!

Miss Heather

Brace Your Buttplugs, Fellow Greenpointers!

First it was Starbucks. Then it was Sotheby’s. Now it is…

Ricky’s?!?

Truth be told, this addition to the neighborhood does not upset me. Aside from Zoe’s Beauty Salon & Spa (which is fantastic, by the way— Toni gives great cuts) there are few providers of fun cosmetics and girly stuff here. I suppose some of the Polish stores offer them, but the customer service at such places (for non-Polish people, anyway) is severely lacking. If I wanted to be treated like the human equivalent of a herpes chancre I’d go to the Upper East Side, thank you very much.

In fact, this will be a godsend to all Greenpointers who wish to shop for adult novelty items. As of the writing of this post, the only place offering them here is Just For Fun at 982 Manhattan Avenue. And I refuse to buy such items at a place that has this in the window.

When shopping for something to stick up my ass or gash, I my royal highness heinie demands a certain measure of class. I have standards. They may not be high ones, but they are standards nonetheless.

Per the above sign, Ricky’s will be up and running this December. Just in time for Christmas! Nothing says “Season’s Greetings” or “Happy Hannukah” like a brand-spanking new buttplug.

Miss Heather

A Couple Upcoming Events

I got word this week that Not For Tourists will be having a sioree to celebrate the launch of their 2008 New York Guidebook. Here are the deets:

WHEN: Sept. 28, 2007 6:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m.

WHERE: Spiegelworld
Pier 17, South Street Seaport
New York, New York

WHO: Not For Tourists founder and publisher Jane Pirone will be available to discuss the Not For Tourist series and answer any questions that fans may have.

HOW (MUCH): FREE! Guests will receive a complimentary copy of the Not For Tourists Guide to New York City 2008 and FREE beer provided by Heartland Brewery.

Those of you who are interested can download the invitation by going to Not For Tourists web site. I am a big fan of these guides; I use them frequently when I knock around neighborhoods I do not know very well. They’re a real lifesaver when you find yourself getting lost. And I do. Often. Check it out!

In addition, today is the last day to RSVP for the blogger meet-up this upcoming Saturday, September 30 in Bedford Stuyvesant. Those of you who are interested in attending* can get more information by clicking here.

Miss Heather

*I will not be attending because of a scheduling conflict with something my husband very much wants to do. Occasionally I humor him. This is one of those occasions.