The Forgotten Borough

I have been (long) remiss in posting this, the latest opus by my buddy Steve in Astoria. Here it is.

Staten Island and Greenpoint have a number of things in common:

1. Both of the previous are butts of endless jokes.
2. Both have been (or are) used as a trash receptacles for the city at large, yet
3. high-density Fedders-style development thrives.

And, lest we forget: public transportation sort of sucks.

Miss Heather

Posted by missheather 3 Comments

Help Feed Greenpoint’s Hungry

One thing I learned on my “date” with the very nice and very married Co-pastor of the Greenpoint Reformed Church last month was there is nary a single food pantry in the Garden Spot. None. Nil. Zero. Zip. Given the median income for a Greenpoint family of four is $30,000 a year, I find this both surprising and appalling. From the Greenpoint Reformed Church web site:

According to the New York Coalition Against Hunger, the 11222 zip code doesn’t have a single food pantry, soup kitchen or food program. Yet, there are far too many people who are hungry in Greenpoint. Several people ring the church’s doorbell each month looking for a meal or some canned goods. In the Bible, Jesus clearly commands us to feed his people. Because of this, our congregation is taking a leap of faith and starting both a weekly food pantry and a Wednesday evening community meal.

Starting these programs is the easy part; keeping them going is going to be even more difficult. What can you do to help in this effort to reduce hunger? First, you can volunteer to help out. This project will need people to cook and serve meals and to organize and hand out grocery bags on Wednesdays. It will also require some start-up funding. Perhaps you can sponsor or organize a fund raising event or perhaps you’re prepared to make a monetary donation to the cause? Donations of food and funds are welcomed and encouraged. You can donate right here online or cans and boxed food can be left in the collection boxes in the church parlor.

I am hardly the church-going type, but I like Ann and what her church is doing. They offer a host of services and outreach programs the less fortunate among us here can really use. I strongly encourage anyone who is reading to this contribute a little time and/or money to get this food pantry rolling. A bag of groceries or $20.00 isn’t a such big deal to you or me, but to those in need (many of whom are families, I would like to add) it makes the difference between having dinner on the table or going to bed hungry. Think about it.

Greenpoint Reform Church
136 Milton Street
Brooklyn, NY 11222
(718) 383-5941

Miss Heather

271 Nassau Avenue Redux

Some of you might remember a reader of mine, Rebecca11222, complained about some after-hours construction activity at the above mentioned address last month.

September 19, 2007 she wrote:

Since 9:30 p.m. a cement mixer & a pump truck have been operating 3 houses away from me. Condo going up at 271 Nassau Ave (at Sutton St). Lights in my window & noise of a FUCKING CEMENT TRUCK. It’s now almost 11pm. I called 311 & reported the perps to both DOB & DEP. No variance posted, of course. We all know what good will come of my report. Motherfuckers.

This is all.

The Department of Buildings “Emergency Response Team” didn’t find anything amiss. The next day.

Three days later, September 23, I decided to take a gander at 271 Nassau Avenue up close and personal.

Quality Contracting was in effect.

Quality fencing was not.

Shouldn’t these chaps let the cement they (illegally) laid cure before lopping a bunch of stories on top of it?

This man should be wearing a hard hat. Isn’t that the law or am I just being a mensch?

In any case, the mensches at the D.E.P. saw fit to see how Rebecca11222 was faring October 10, 2007. Three weeks later. After moving to another apartment. At 10:30 p.m.:

I got a call from DEP last night at 10:30pm, wanting to know if the issue at 271 Nassau that I reported 2 (?) weeks ago had been resolved.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The operator then advised me to call the cops next time as it takes the DEP “a few days” to respond to complaints.

Resolved: the complainant has moved and the perpetrator is well on his way to completing his four story, eight unit piece of shit. With illegally poured cement.

For those of you who have the misfortune of experiencing illegal after hours construction, the phone number for the 94th Precinct is (718) 383-3879. If they ask you why you’re bitching to them about a cement mixer rumbling at some god awful hour of the night, tell them the D.E.P. sent you.

Miss Heather

Dear Clarice

Today I received an email from Dillon De Give (the same artist who did the site-specific installation Strands right here in Greenpoint!) alerting me to his latest opus: Dear Clarice. Here are the deets for this “site-specific psychedelic (! — Ed. Note) elementary school style play”:

WHERE: Sprout Home
44 Grand Street
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(L train to Bedford)

WHEN: October 12, 13, and 14 at 7:30 p.m.

HOW (much): $3 Adults, $2 for children

Those of you who are interested in checking this out should RSVP at implausibot (at) yahoo (dot) com, as seating is limited. Enjoy!

Miss Heather

Outed by Time Out New York

Wednesday was a very, very strange day for Miss Heather. Our apartment building was paid a visit by New York’s Bravest because one of my neighbors called 311 to report a strange smell. Since our buzzers are inoperative, I had the honor of ushering these gentleman around our humble domicile in a dirty tank top and boxer shorts.

As if the previous was not enough Chateau de Ghetto fun for one day, I also received a phone call from a bill collector trying to chase down one of my upstairs neighbors. Though I found this to be mildly annoying, it was hardly remarkable. No sir: fire trucks, foul odors and past-due bills are child’s play compared to what else this day had in store for me. This was the day, dear readers, I learned I am a lesbian. Or at least look like one.

It all started with a phone call from Beatrice of Casa Mon Amour:

There’s a picture of you in this week’s Time Out New York!

Me: WHAT?!?
Beatrice: They wrote up my restaurant and you are in the picture they used.
Me: Shit.

I quickly got off the phone and hunted down a copy of this periodical. I ended up having to walk south of Greenpoint Avenue to find it because all the magazine stands carry in my corner of the ‘hood are US, OK, a slew of Polish publications and even more porn. Who knew Big Black Butt had such a following here? I didn’t. Until today.

Upon discovering my much sought after mag, I shelled out three bucks and commenced to rifle through it like a madwoman. As I was waiting for a half pound bag of rice at The Garden, I found what I was looking for:

OH MY GOD!

There are two woman in the above photograph. I am one of them. The other one is the Co-pastor of the Greenpoint Reformed Church. We are both married; me to a man, her to a woman. If this is any indicator of the accuracy of Time Out New York‘s “gaydar” I would like to humbly suggest that it needs a little refining. My above-depicted companion agrees:

TONY tries to be so trendy featuring lesbians on a date. Unfortunately they haven’t updated their gaydar. I may actually write them a letter about it since the implication of the photo isn’t very good for a married member of the clergy.

Appearances aside, we both found the print publication of our “date” very amusing. In fact, the only thing I took issue with was being called a $50.00 date. I cost a lot more than fifty bucks. Just ask my husband (whose hand can been seen in the bottom left-hand corner of the above photo). Monetary considerations aside, my “date” thanked me for a memorable evening:

Even… a simple meal in a small neighborhood restaurant turns into a truck running into a building and a photo in TONY.

To wit I replied:

I try to entertain my guests, that’s just good manners.

I have emailed the above clipping to my parents, mother in law and sister in law. I have yet to get a reply from any of them. Who knew coming out would be so hard? Then again, you know what they say:

The family is always the last to know.

Or would that be me?

Miss Heather

UPDATE, 11:42 a.m.: I have heard back from my sister in law. She writes:

I just realized something. Your big coming out in TONY was just a day too soon. Today is National Coming Out Day. They were oh so close…

Damn. Oh well…

HAPPY COMING OUT DAY FROM NEW YORK SHITTY!

The Howling

Yesterday a new(ish) construction site made it onto my shit list: 158 India Street. After seemingly an eternity (and a couple stop work orders) they are busy building the four story, eleven apartment masterpiece slated to grace this parcel of property.

The first thing which crossed my mind when I saw the above was “Gee, it looks like they might undermine that building”. The owner of said house seems to agree with my assessment: he (or she) has complained to the Department of Buildings about just this. Repeatedly.

Bad construction practices aside, these guys found my interest in their site a source of excitement. In their pants. The surveyor (depicted in the above photo) alerted his minions to my presence and one of them (who was standing behind the fence) saw fit to howl at me. Sexy.

You know, it’s been a long time since a gainfully employed hunk of man made a pass my direction.

A

VERY.

LONG.

TIME.

Realizing the exciting opportunity I had on my hands, I mulled over his offer. I decided to make a counter offer:

Go fuck yourself!

I do not want to encourage online gambling (it’s a fool’s avocation), but I cannot help but wonder when (and that’s just it, WHEN) these guys will be hit with their next Stop Work Order. Aside from numerous complaints about undermining the adjacent property, they have been nailed for doing work contrary to the plans filed with the Department of Buildings and seem to have a chronic problem keeping their paperwork in order. Probably because they’re too busy letting hormones get the better of them.

I give them one month.

Thoughts, anyone?

Miss Heather

P.S.: Those of you who want to learn about underpinning should click here. The D.O.B. has a nice little presentation to share with you.

Define-a-Thon Tonight At Word Books

It has come to my attention that Word Books will be hosting their first Define-a-thon this evening at 8:00 p.m. What is a “Define-a-thon”, you ask. Well, the email I received announcing this event sheds some light on this:

Move over spelling bee. Just because you can spell a word doesn’t mean you know how to use it. From the editors of The American Heritage Dictionary comes the Define–a–Thon, a competitive word challenge.

Illiteracy is a sad truth in our society. Little brains trying to use big words (our Chimp in Chief immediately comes to mind) is another. Go to this event. Maybe you’ll even learn a new word or two to perplex our fearless leader with.

Nothing breaks Miss Heather’s heart more than telling someone to go fuck fornicate himself only to get a blank expression in return:

An insult is a terrible thing to waste.

If the previous isn’t sufficient motivation for you, dear readers to attend the Define-a-Thon maybe this is: I have been told there will be prizes for the winners.

Word Books
126 Franklin Street
Brooklyn, NY 11222
(718) 383-0096

Miss Heather

***Newflash: 48 Box Street***

They are not working at 48 Box Street today. REPEAT:

THEY ARE NOT WORKING.

Thanks to a breakthrough in modern science they don’t have to. They use special self-laying bricks instead!

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Becoming More Bicycle Friendly?

Anyone who lives north of India Street can attest that the city has been quite busy resurfacing the streets lately. Even lowly Freeman Street got a makeover.

Being a die hard pedestrian I might be wrong, but this looks like an attempt to make this neighborhood a little more bicycle friendly. Now if only the city would make some of the bicyclists hereabouts a little friendlier by forcing them to dismount their bikes when they cross the Pulaksi Bridge.

Miss Heather