Art Therapy

September 9, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

That is what I needed Monday. Sleep deprivation, infected anal glands and unsolicited offers to buy my url be damned! I wanted satisfaction so I went out and got it… with a little help from my friends.

Last weekend my buddy Larry da Junkman gave me this pair of comedy breasts (as modeled by our cat Artemis). He knew I needed them. I knew I did as well —but for what?

Then I remembered being called “nipples” last month and it all fell into place. Clearly the men of Brooklyn crave boobies. They are obviously not getting enough mammary goodness at home, so (being the civic minded person I am) I have decided to provide the nipples they sorely desire. My mission: to bring the mountains to Mohammed— in a manner of speaking.

Yesterday was the first step in my long journey to boobify Brooklyn. Excited, I threw my mamazons into the backpack and hit the road. Destination: Greenpoint and Williamsburg. Follows are some highlights.

I started simply on Quay Street.

On Roebling Street I realized they fit fire hydrants quite nicely.

I call this one “Red, White & Boobs”. It comes from Union Avenue.

I always thought this knight (gracing the front of a Polish Restaurant on Manhattan Avenue) was cheesy. I like him a lot better now that he sports a rack!

Does your neighborhood have a Starboobs? Greenpoint does!

And last —but hardly least —my favorite:

It’s amazing how much fun you can have with a pair of fake boobs on a Monday afternoon. Methinks I will carry them with me from now on and photograph them where ever my feet happen to take me. Watch out Brooklyn, you are about to get boobified!

Miss Heather

P.S.: You can see more of my boobification pix by clicking here.

THIS WEEK: Fine Art, Conversation & More!

September 8, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

Tomorrow, Tuesday, September 9, from 6:00 – 8:00 p.m. the Thai Cafe will be hosting an opening reception for the incredibly cute drawings of Yvette Helin.

I have been told there will be a free buffet for the sampling and wine!

Thai Cafe
925 Manhattan Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11222

For all you animal lovers who find yourselves in Manhattan tomorrow night nogoodforme will be sponsoring a night of fashion (including Williamsburg’s very own Sodafine!), music and art benefiting Brooklyn’s very own B.A.R.C.! Festivities start at 8:00 p.m. Be advised that viewing the fashions is free but the bands will cost you a mere $8.00!

Piano’s
158 Ludlow Street
New York, New York 10002

Last up, Cafecito Bogota will be throwing its first Spanish Language conversation meet-up group Wednesday, September 10, at 7:00 p.m.

Cafecito Bogota
1015 Manhattan Avenue
Brooklyn, New York, 11222

So much to do, so little time! Get your art/fashion/Espanol on!

Miss Heather

Once Again, This Is Why I Left Texas.

September 7, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People 

Pa Heather writes:

OK Brooklyn, Top This One

DALLAS — A robber rolled into a Dallas convenience store came armed with a bat and a knife. He left with a lot of condoms and an energy drink.

Note the robber “rolled” in. Yes, said perp’s getaway vehicle was a wheelchair. Trust me, it only gets better.

Miss Heather

Thanks But No Thanks. Really. I Mean it.

September 7, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

Mr. Heather pulled a graveyard shift and then some working from home yesterday. As a result I did not have computer access until 8:00 p.m. When I finally got around to checking my email I found a real gem. It was entitled “domain for sale?” Uncle Paulie* writes:

Hi Miss Heather,

I stumbled across your site and was interested in seeing if you would sell the domain name newyorkshitty.com. If so, please let me know. I am willing to pay $1,000.

I wasn’t interested so I didn’t reply. Nonetheless I received this (unsolicited) update at midnight:

Hi Miss Heather, please disregard my email, I ended up buying a different domain name. Have a good day.

What did Paulie expect me to do? Trip over my keyboard, flail my arms and scream OH, OH, OH! Horshack style in the hopes of accepting his generous offer? I don’t think so.

The thought I might have some attachment to this url clearly never crossed this chap’s mind. Such is the joy that is capitalism; it affords no value to “art” or personal enjoyment— unless greenbacks are involved. New York Shitty is my brain child; it is the place I share what I love (and hate) about living in New York City. For wont of a better way of putting it: newyorkshitty.com is a part of my life. It is a diary of my mental diarrhea.

For better or worse New York Shitty will persist. And for the record, it has been much better than worse. I have met some WONDERFUL (and powerful) north Brooklyn lasses (like this, this, this and this) as a result.

One grand doesn’t even begin to cover the joy operating this blog (since April 2006) gives me. Good luck with your new url schmuck. Had you added few zeros to this figure and I might— MIGHT —have considered your offer.

$1,000.

Really?

Miss “Easy But Not Cheap” Heather

*This is not his real name.

TOMORROW: Why Shop When You Can Swap?

September 6, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Although I have nothing of value to swap I felt this was worth passing along. Anyone interested in attending, mingling and swapping should RSVP at theexchange08 (at) gmail (dot) com.

Miss Heather

Thank You Sarah Palin: Shitty Family Values

September 6, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People 

Ever had something you just couldn’t stop picking at? I distinctly remember elementary school classmates who attentively picked at each and every scab gracing their arms and legs. Beneath them (in the class caste system) were the nose pickers; while a source of curiosity (and amusement) to many, their compulsive digging did little to enhance their social status in the smash jaw world that was (and probably still is) the third grade. A distinct subset of the previous were the booger eaters. They were beyond the pale. The next (and only) stop in the preteen city of Dis were the kids who compulsively gave themselves “Indian burns” with chalk board erasers or sucked their thumbs.

I mention this because Sarah Palin and her fascinating (and rapidly procreating) family have become my scab. Inasmuch as I tell myself that I should just leave it alone the truth is I can’t. Not unlike Angel the girl who sucked her thumb until the 6th grade; I cannot avert my eyes from the Palin clan. They are too magnificently abject. I must savor every sordid detail.

I’m not the only one, either. I get anywhere from 6-8 emails a day from Pa Heather outlining their latest misdeeds. With color commentary. And given his propensity for writing (Pa Heather did, after all, once send President Jimmy Carter a four page typewritten letter politely telling him everything he was doing wrong), the commentary has been copious.

FAMILY BONDING

The last time Pa Heather and I talked “politics” (and had a true father/daughter moment for that matter) was after Nixon’s funeral in 1994). The source of our amusement was Spiro  “if you’ve seen one city slum you’ve seen them all” Agnew.*

Miss Heather: I didn’t know he was alive.
Pa Heather:
I didn’t know he was out of prison.

(dark laughter)

Pa Heather has distinct (if antiquated) ideas of how women should deport themselves. He’s pro-choice, but finds women drinking beer (especially from the bottle) distasteful. Having a daughter who can match his command of profanity (and taste for beer) presents certain issues to Pa Heather. We’re not estranged; we simply do not talk that much.

That is, until Sarah Palin came along!

Depending on one’s viewpoint Pa Heather getting a new computer and high speed Internet access can be a gift or a curse. Since I am not on the receiving end of what he rants about— and he rails aplenty (did I mention Pa Heather is retired?)— I don’t really mind. In fact I find it amusing and occasionally join in.

CASE IN POINT #1: email entitled “Wonderful” dated September 2, 2008

Pa Heather:

Carville: City hall of town where Palin was mayor looks like a southern Louisiana bait shop.

My reply:

Now, now. Not everyone can have a city hall as splendid as ours. Toss in a portable television, mini fridge and a porch swing for courtin’ and this baby will be PHAT!

As a matter of fact Wasilla’s City Hall might have a distinct advantage over ours: it appears to be equipped with a drive-thru window. We city slickers (and community organizers) need to quit examining our over-educated navels and recognize progress. After you pay off your parking tickets I bet the City of Wasilla throws in a free growler of beer or a round (or two) of ammunition.

CASE IN POINT #2: an email entitled “From (name excised)” dated September 3, 2008

In case you are hungry for more about SP, here it is.

8 More Shocking Revelations About Sarah Palin

By Isaac Fitzgerald and Tana Ganeva, AlterNet
Posted on September 3, 2008, Printed on September 3, 2008
http://www.alternet.org/story/97350/

To wit I replied:

It’s so touching to see such “family values” at work.

This time I hit “reply all” and copied all my father’s friends. The more the merrier, thought. It was. I got a reply from one of them:

I am shocked, shocked that such things have occurred during this fine, upstanding citizen’s watch!

Feeling loquacious, I kept the ball rolling:

I know, I am as disgusted as you are: Captain Morgan?!? Surely Bristol could have secured better hooch. You know, with her mother being Gov and all.

Of course, you know what the Captain’s slogan is:

“Got a little Captain in You?”

She does!

These people make it too easy. Seriously. I almost feel bad about picking on Bristol Cream or whatever her name is.

Almost.

CASE IN POINT #3: Yesterday’s choice morsel entitled “2 months to go”:

Todd Palin’s former business partner files an emergency motion to have his divorce papers sealed. Oh God. The Enquirer was right…she f***** his business partner..Or at least that’s what i’m going to hope and pray for. Self righteous, NEOCON, holier than thou, airhead..

I have yet to reply to this one— but I will. I will undoubtedly write something to the effect that the Palin women seem to be good at fucking (given their propensity for pro-creating— YOUNG). I suppose I should expect as much from people hailing from a state where (under the right circumstances) a 13 year old can be considered of age to consent.

But this post isn’t about Palin-bashing (as fun and easy as it is). Rather it is a testament to family values and togetherness.

Ms. Sarah Palin has not only moved my father, an AVOWED ATHIEST, to type the word “god” with a capital “G” but she has moved him to “hope” and “pray”. Pa Heather is not only an atheist. He also happens to be an avowed social conservative who voted for Barry Goldwater in 1964 and will probably vote for Obama in 2008. Do I find this shocking? Yes. But you know what they say:

God works in mysterious ways.

Most importantly dear old dad and I have exchanged more emails in three days than we usually do in three months since this dipstick with lipstick came onto the scene. Sometimes even Ma Heather joins in the fun!

Thank you Sarah, Todd, Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, Trig (O’nometry)** and lest I forget Levi Johnston*** for bringing my wayward family back together!

Miss Heather

Photo Credits: Just Jared and CNN

*Along with this sensitive sentiment:

Three things have been difficult to tame: the oceans, fools and women. We may soon be able to tame the oceans; fools and women will take a little longer.

Guess what Spiro? They (being the Republican Party) DID IT. How else can you explain why Palin is on the Vice Presidential ticket and this?

**Sarah Palin confessed to smoking pot in college but said she didn’t like it. Her children’s names beg to differ. What will Bristol name her child? I’d like to propose Boolean Algebra Johnston— BooJay for short.

***The HOT future felon/Billy Carter that you are! If/when I become President I’ll make you my intern. 😉

TOMORROW: Latin America In The 21st Century

September 4, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Having studied Latin American history in college (history was my minor) I feel compelled to pass this item along. It sounds fascinating. Among the scheduled speakers are U.N. representatives from Bolivia, Cuba and Venezuela. What’s more, it is ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Latin America In The 21st Century
Friday, September 5, 2008, 6:30 p.m.
Cooper Union Great Hall
30 Cooper Square
New York, New York 10003

For more information call 212-942-5758 or email cbalbertolovera (at) gmail (dot) com

Miss Heather

Pay Phone du Jour: City Island Avenue

September 3, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Photographic evidence that our neighbors in the Bronx also engage in pay phone abuse (and have a knack for creating monologue machines).

Miss Heather

Photos du Jour: Rod Gets Around

September 3, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Taken September 1, 2008 on Eastern Parkway in Crown Heights.

Taken August 28, 2008 in Freeman Alley in Manhattan.

Miss Heather

P.S.: Here are a few more treats from Freeman Alley. (Yes, there really is such a place!)

PHOTO CREDITS: Crown Heights pic, Thomas Mann

Great Moments In Real Estate Advertising: BEAT Schermerhorn

September 2, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

You know times are tough when a development in downtown Brooklyn sees fit to (illegally?) advertise on a construction fence on McGuinness Boulevard. Repeatedly.

I prefer not to “be”; I am.”be@shermerhorn” appeals to shit talkers; I talk shit. Literally. Nonetheless I know a crap hole neighborhood when I see one and Schermerhorn REEKS! Corcoran should retool their marketing strategy accordingly:

  • Be ready for jury duty. (DESPITE A FUCKING BLIZZARD LAST YEAR I WAS EXPECTED TO SHOW. AND DID.)
  • Be ready to visit your friends in jail and bail them out!
  • Be ready to go to jail. Let Schermerhorn be your “home away from home”. We’ll leave the light on for you!

Be At Schermerhorn!

I think I’ll stay in Greenpoint, thank you very much. I mean, how can a gal resist a balcony with a view like this!

I have always loved the smell of gasoline and automotive exhaust!

Looking at an Exxon Station day after day makes me feel, well, DIRTY

in a uniquely Greenpoint kind of way. Screw you Schermerhorn! I’m staying in Stinkpoint!

Miss Heather


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