Greenpoint
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Culture on the Cheap
Great Moments In Real Estate Advertising: Special Long Island City Edition
As time has gone by I have taken a much kinder view of our friends across the creek. I do not want to suggest I like the rather substantial apartment buildings in Long Island City: I don’t. But their advertising strategies are a constant source of fascination and amusement to yours truly. Just like the Garden Spot of the Universe no location, however wretched, is unsuitable as a place of luxurious and commodious accommodations in 11101. With the previous in mind (and tongue firmly in cheek) I will share with you some of my latest finds. Enjoy!
EXHIBIT A: The Vere Condominiums
Location: Jackson Avenue and Purves Street
New York Shitty Analysis: This is a testament to the sore lack of inventiveness to be found in the advertising industry nowadays— or the impact President Obama has made in our collective consciousness. Probably both. Nonetheless $350,000 is still too much for this location. Go to the end of Purves Street— preferably late at night— and you’ll see what I am talking about. Then again if your idea of “stimulus” is being reminded of your own mortality (preferably at the hands of someone lurking in the dark shadows of a ginormous vacant lot) this might be the place for you.
EXHIBIT B: THIS
Location: Borden Avenue and 5th Street
New York Shitty Analysis:
Me (to Mister Heather): What the fuck? It looks they stacked one building on top of another!
Mister Heather: Yup.
Me: HOLY SHIT!
I guess they’re trying to suggest this place is about to be launched. It looks like it is exploding. The last time I saw something like this George W. Bush bombed Afghanistan. A lot of good that has done us.
I said.
To wit the Mister said:
Or the tenants just learned there is affordable housing on the top four floors and have set it on fire.
Me: NAH, the developer defaulted on a construction loan and is torching the place for the insurance money.
EXHIBITS C-E: Star Tower
Location: 28-02 42nd Road
New York Shitty Analysis: The use of “star” is rapidly becoming a pet peeve of mine. If Michael Jackson’s death has been instructive to yours truly in any way it is that I do not want to be a star. If for no other reason because racking up six figure pharmaceutical bills is beyond my means. Come to think of it, they were beyond Mr. Jackson’s as well. I guess being a star isn’t what’s cracked up to be. But I digress.
Another pet peeve of mine is also manifest at this site: the virtual absence of real people in their renderings.
Behold the new face of Long Island City— and it does not appear to be a very happy one at that. This woman looks like she just sucked a lemon. Or knocked back a few meds with that glass of chardonnay. Not that I’m being judgmental; if I lived a stone’s throw from Queensboro Plaza I’d be practicing the art of self-medication too.
NOW THIS IS MORE LIKE IT! Granted, this family unit probably does not reside in the Star Tower (I’m guessing they’re headed to the rather sizable piece of Detroit steel parked to the right). This is a shame as these are the kind of people I WANT as neighbors.
If any of the advertising wizards behind the Star Tower are reading this: after a woman reaches a certain point in her life (that being the business-end of her 30’s) images of svelte women on balconies cease to be selling tools. Quite to the contrary; it serves as a reminder that she (in this case me) is no longer a size “00”— and nothing short of an eating disorder or plastic surgery is going to change this reality.
Conversely, if you were to take the above family and Photoshop them into one of your balconies— ideally with “Joe Sixpack” knocking back a few brewskis with his buddies, watching “the game” via satellite dish (which is affixed to said balcony) while wearing a ball cap which reads “This is not a bald spot, it is a solar panel for a sex machine” I’d be all over your product like white trash on Rice-a-roni. Screw sex: Schadenfreude sells!
Which brings me to our last property.
The site of a former “gentleman’s club” on 27th Street I like to call “Chez Teddy”.
Alas poor Teddy, I never knew the him well but suspect he got a bum rap.
A bum scantily clad with a g-string, that is.
Clearly someone thought he was a righteous dude.
In any case this property is not only available for sale but it is also conveniently located to transportation!
One need only look up to find it. Surely there is an entrepreneur out there with the vision and finances to give this prime location the make-over it deserves? I for one envision a tower built atop the original structure. Its name will the “The Infinity” and the stripper poles currently contained therein will be incorporated into a cutting edge fitness center. Women are paying top dollar to learn this kind of thing nowadays— what’s more, in this brave new economy it never hurts to pick up a few new job skills.
Now that’s a stimulus package I for one can get behind! Preferably with a phat wad of one dollar bills.
Miss Heather
New York Shitty Day Starter: Polish Paradise
I recently learned that, contrary to popular belief, “Polish Paradise” is not located in Greenpoint. Those of you who are interested in paying this very special place a visit can can find it underneath the Pulaski Bridge in Long Island City.
NOTE: not only is “Polish Paradise” seemingly bereft of Polish people, it also appears to be BYOB.
Miss Heather
New York Shitty Slide Show Du Jour: Long Island City
As promised, follows is a selection of photographs from yesterday’s trek to Long Island City. At my journey’s end I was tired, a bit sweaty, more than a little cranky and had been rained on numerous times. No worries, gems like the above image (where a patron of the Crab House, which I am pleased to announce has reopened after a fire earlier this year, sizing up Betty Grable’s— um— assets and of course that magnificent double rainbow) made it totally worthwhile. Enjoy!
And that’s all she wrote!
Miss Heather
New York Shitty Day Ender: From Greenpoint With Love
From Vernon Boulevard.
Miss Heather
P.S.: You can look forward to more photographs from my wanderings around Long Island City tomorrow!
LAST GASP: Better Late Than Never
When I saw this item via orangegenius I simply had to pass it along here on New York Shitty. This has nothing to do with me me being a romantic at heart; I’m not. I’m about as romantic as a turd in a swimming pool. But if anyone would ever bother to ask the turd in the swimming pool— not all the troublesome fellow bathers— if he (or she) was happy I’d wager he or she would enthusiastically answer:
Yes!
It is in the interest of some faceless, nameless person’s happiness (or at least a first date/one night stand) that I have elected to post the above missive. It hails from the Manhattan entrance of the pedestrian walkway of the 59th Street Bridge and reads as follows:
Dog Walker
Please come visit sometimes. I dream about you. I have a letter for you
-the Russian Girl.
P.S. I love you but I am very shy
Sadly this was written over a month ago (April 28)— but I say better late than never. Let’s make this love connection happen, people! Dog walkers need love too!!!
Miss Heather
Introducing The Newtown Pentacle
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic, Long Island City, Maspeth, Newtown Creek, Queens, Sunnyside
Last night I had the damnedest time falling asleep. At 2:00 a.m. I found myself tossing and turning so I decided to get a glass of milk and poke around on the computer. I am glad I did because I came across a pingback from a new site called The Newtown Pentacle. Intrigued I checked it out. Although only a handful of posts strong I have to admit this site looks very promising. As for what it is about I’ll let the author, Mitch Waxman, do the talking (from his inaugural post dating from May 29, 2009):
The colonial era towns of Green Point, Brooklyn and the Queens towns of Astoria, Ravenswood, Hunter’s Point, Bowery Bay, and Middletown were called Newtown in Dutch and English times. In the early 19th century, the Queens villages combined to form Long Island City. The industrial center of the area was and still is Newtown Creek. The most polluted body of water on earth, this ancient inlet was once home to the Maspaetche Indians. Dutch Orchards and English farms gave way to Yankee rail and then Standard Oil as time went by. Today, its waters are a curious shade of copper green, and the largest oil spill in history gurgles back and forth through deep subterranean channels between Green Point and Long Island City. The architecture of the place is disturbingly heterogeneous. A rough tumble of styles are represented in this area — 19th century wrought iron row houses predominate, but 18th century warehouses are still on active duty in some places. Near Hunter’s Point and in Old Astoria, Antebellum mansions abut hideous Le Corbusier-influenced modernism. To the south and the east can be found some of the most interesting stone work in New York City as one explores the cemetery belt along the Brooklyn and Queens border.
Three million New Yorkers lie in Calvary cemetery alone. In this, the Necropolis of New York City, the living population of Queens is outnumbered three to one.
After a health scare a couple of years ago, my doctors recommended a course of clean living and regimen of physical exercise as the best curative. An amateur antiquarian and connoisseur of odd information, I elected to use my prescriptive exertions as an opportunity to explore and record. I toured crumbling Long Island City, the tree lined lanes of Victorian Astoria, and rusty coastlines of foetid Newtown Creek. Headphones on, camera in hand. The journey has taken me to many odd and forgotten places, and led me to discover a fascinating group of people. Follow me on these long walks, I promise you’ll see something amazing.
The previous isn’t just a bunch of verbiage either: Mr. Waxman delivers. Do give this site a whirl. It’s fascinating.
Miss Heather
Photo Credit: Mitch Waxman
It’s a Go!
One June 2, 2009 Queens Crap wrote:
Miss Heather is holding a contest between the ugliest buildings in Brooklyn and Queens:
We need a real contest. A Brooklyn versus Queens smack-down of fug infamy— or outer-borough barfchitecture. To this end I have created this flickr group and will get the ball rolling with my nominee: The Luminous.
I have to admit, that may be tough to top. But send your photos to me and we’ll try.
Let’s show our friends in Queens what Brooklyn is made of: CRAP! You can also tender submissions to yours truly via email at:
missheather (at) newyorkshitty (dot) com
Let’s get it on!
Miss Heather
Audience Participation Time: The Ugliest Building In Brooklyn?
Ever since I posted the good news about the L Haus winning the #1 Ugliest Building in Queens my inbox (and incoming links) have been interesting to say the least.
Laura writes:
…regarding the ugliest building in Queens. Love it. Let’s do Greenpoint! Here’s my nominee, the one with the bulls eye. On memorial day my grandson was trying to shoot it with spit balls…
The building of which she speaks— 20 Bayard Street— is, unfortunately, located in Williamsburg. But Brooklyn11211 does a pretty good job of eviscerating it for the pile of shit it is. Halden volleyed the first proverbial spitball at this glass house. So to speak.
Now my buddy over in Queens has gotten into the swing of things. One commenter, Timothy, wrote:
There are some nasty McMansions near me that might qualify as Queens Fugliest. I think we should have a real contest!
I agree. We need a real contest. A Brooklyn versus Queens smack-down of fug infamy— or outer-borough barfchitecture. To this end I have created this flickr group and will get the ball rolling with my nominee: The Luminous.
This colossal pile of crap can be found on Richardson Street, Brooklyn 11222. It is the brain child of Karl Fischer Robert Scarano— who is all too eager to exploit “modification permits” when the mood (and/or money) suits him. The above (and strangely incongruous) brick facade was once a building. As you can see it has been given a new lease on life: the frontispiece and justification for this bigass pile of King’s crap! I for one am very fond of the beam left intact to support the adjacent buildings.
But this half-assed awning (which doesn’t even cover the entire doorway) comes in a close second.
Lovely. As I was taking the above photograph an old-timer painting his garage across the street asked:
Don’t you want to take my picture?
I replied:
Sure. I’d much rather take a photograph of you than that THING across the street.
So I did.
I might end up in the Greenpoint Gazette!
he said. I told him it was a distinct possibility— and that he might become a celebrity. He laughed heartily.
In any case this my inaugural piece of King’s crap to get this bi-borough rumble going.
Hear me, Crappy? Let’s get it on!
Miss Heather
NYS Flickr Pool
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