Dog Day Afternoon

As a youth I had dreams. They were thoroughly and utterly crushed. I probably had ambition once as well. This too, is gone. But I am not totally without purpose: I have goals. It’s the little milestones (like the following) that shake me out of my existentialist angst and get my fat ass out of bed.

I have seen this dynamic duo twice. Both times I failed to capture them on my camera. Just like a teenage boy unwrapping his first condom, my enthusiasm foiled my efforts: all I got was a blurry mess instead. Not this time. I was ready and I got ’em. Where else? McGuinness Boulevard. One man’s congested, filthy thoroughfare is Miss Heather’s avenue of wish-fulfillment.

The gent driving this Jeep (presumably this canine’s companion*) is a responsible pet owner too! This pampered pooch wears a harness specifically designed to attach to a seatbelt. The Doginator eyewear really rounds out the ensemble. Stylish and safe. Perfect attire for a leisurely drive down Mickey G’s on a sultry Thursday afternoon. I give it two paws up.

Miss Heather

*He seemed a little confused when I told him I loved his dog’s glasses. Immediately thereafter, a chap sitting in front of the McGuinness Auto Parts Store told me he loved my glasses. I thanked him and told him I loved his glasses. It was like Chip and Dale— and Dale. Greenpoint at its very finest— but what else would one expect from the boulevard named McGuinness?

Crack WHAT?!?

Some days my neighborhood is a mindfuck a minute. Wednesday was one of those days. As I was walking along McGuinness Boulevard (because some of the finest things to be had in Greenpoint are usually located there) I found this.

As I was waiting to cross the street at Driggs, there it was: CRACK PROS. I could not stop laughing. McGuinness Boulevard has a lot of crack: ass CRACK, phat bags of CRACK (and the people who consume them who, more often than not, have ass crack) and now, presumably, foundation cracks. Thank god we have the CRACK PROS to help us!

Most of my experience as a corporate wage slave involved answering telephones to one degree or another. This is what the business sector does with young women with pleasant-sounding voices (regardless of work experience or education): stick them behind a desk and give them a telephone to answer. Much of my misanthropy comes from interfacing with the public in this manner. One can only understand how truly unredeemable the human race really is by answering telephones at some corporate hellhole. Even if only for a day.

That said, I might be willing to answer telephones for this establishment. The prospect of being paid (albeit meagerly) for rattling off crack jokes for hours on end is almost too good to pass up.

Good morning, CRRRRRRRACK PROS. How may I direct your call?

Sir, could you describe the nature of the crack you are experiencing so I can direct you to the appropriate CRACK PRO?

That’s quite a crack problem you have sir, let’s see if I can connect you with one of our crack prevention specialists.

Sure I’d probably get fired, but think of all the cracktastic fun I would have in the meantime! I wonder if these guys have tee shirts? If they do, I want one.

Miss Heather

Poles Without Pants

This may sound silly, but I always find going to my friend Rachael’s apartment a trip. Located on Diamond Street between Driggs and Nassau Avenue, her home is in the heart of “Little Poland”. Although my apartment is only a half mile way, it might as well be a million; I live in the largely Hispanic area to the north. Follows is a little sampling of Greenpoint kielbasa glory I found on the way to my friend’s place this afternoon.

You just don’t see stuff like this on my side of Greenpoint Avenue.

And quite frankly, I’m glad.

Miss Heather

High Rise

I found this “up-zoned” bike as I was walking down Norman Avenue Tuesday. Looks like the high rise hysteria here has even affected the two wheel set. What will be next? A triple decker with balconies and scenic city views? Whoops, I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t want to give the folks at Belvedere Realty any ideas. Oh well.

Miss Heather

Great Moments In Greenpoint Siding, Volume X

I am proud to announce that Greenpoint represented today on the Leonard Lopate Show. My submission (for their ugly buildings tour de force), the “Frankenhouse” (depicted above), was selected! You can listen to me talk about this more Greenpoint than Greenpoint edifice and my overall fixation with all things siding-related* by clicking here.

Miss Heather

*I even cite some siding stats!

Fundamentally Flawed Flyer

Firstly, it is not the purpose of this post to malign the creator of the following flyer. Rather, I find the copy he (or she) employed fundamentally flawed. But before I go into my line of reasoning for making the previous assertion, let’s take a look at it shall we?

Hmm. Posting this missive in Polish, Spanish and English was an excellent idea. Expecting someone to come forward two years after the incident came to pass is probably futile, but one never knows. Two people clearly saw someone fall down stairs on Huron Street in December of 2005, why else would he (or she) have removed one of the tabs? Therein lies the rub:

1. It is prudent to assume that a neighborhood which has pervasive alcoholism or other forms of substance abuse (Greenpoint has both) is going to have a significant number of people who have fallen down.
2. It is not unreasonable to assume a few of the previous spills took place on stairs. Stairs are the arch-nemesis of the intoxicated. I speak from experience when I write this.
3. Therefore, it is a very likely more than one person fell down stairs on Huron Street in December 2005.

In closing, I hope the victim of this fall finds the person he (or she) is looking for. I really do. That said, I cannot help but suspect this person is going to be inundated with callers— and I find this comical, albeit in a tragic sort of way.

Miss Heather

The Decline of Western Civilization

Pundits have all sorts of reasons for America’s decline in status on the world stage. Although not an economist, sociologist, or political science major, I too have an opinion on this phenomenon. You want to know why other countries (at least the few left that don’t hate us) think we’re stupid and lazy? Here you go.

I found this sign in the bathroom at a strip mall on McGuinness Boulevard.

Miss Heather