Greenpoint
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Culture on the Cheap
157 Green Street: Fedderized!
I have been remiss in sharing the following masterpiece with you, dear readers. Thankfully, the international coalition of imbeciles working on the facade of said property Thursday night (they were cutting marble with a saw) was just the reminder I needed!
Question: What happens when an otherwise unremarkable four story building on a less than spectacular block is sold to someone with a lot of money and no taste whatsoever?
It gets Fedderized, that’s what! Over the last year I have watched (and listened to) this building evolve from a mildly tatty, but more or less intact four story tenement to the poster child for the prevention of Fedderization. Let’s take a closer look at its, a-hem, amenities, shall we?
1. A front door better suited to grace the entrance of a topless bar.
In keeping with the class the aforementioned adult establishments exude, the first floor of this building is sheathed in…
2. black marble. Wow, it really spices up this frumpy chateau! So much so you can barely notice…
3. the rolling steel door to the right. Why can I not shake the feeling that some wise guy got whacked behind one of these doors? Is it the marble? The garish chrome entranceway? The rolling shutters? Or…
4. the two tone institutional gray stucco juxtaposed with a baby shit beige fire escape?
I just can’t pin it down. Regardless, I think this building should win a Lifetime Achievement Award and be inducted into the Fedderist Hall of Fame. Ordinarily one would have to schlep all the way out to Flushing to see a building this ugly.
Mazel tov!
Miss Heather
Birds on a Wire
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Perhaps I am simply slow on the uptake, but I have noticed that a flock of the above birds has taken to roosting on the phone lines of Manhattan Avenue lately. I am not complaining or anything mind you, I think they’re neat.
Besides, if the above pigeon seems A-OK with sharing this stretch of prime sitting space with this chubby little yellow companion, I say he (or she) stays.
Thoughts, anyone?
Miss Heather
Crappy Construction Fence du Jour: 158 India Street
Those of you who have been playing along at home might remember that earlier this week (October 30) I caught a chap taking a nap at the above-mentioned location.
What I failed to mention was how cute it was to watch this chap roll over and stretch. In fact, he reminded me of one of my cats. I even stopped and wondered to myself:
I wonder what contractors dream about?
Well, in the case of 158 India Street let’s hope he was dreaming of a brand new construction fence because the one currently in place is a joke.
I am rarely one to argue semantics —much less with an organization as professional as the one working at 158 India Street— but isn’t the purpose of a fence to keep people out? Confused, I decided to point and click my way over to Wikipedia and let them resolve the matter once and for all:
A fence is a freestanding structure designed to restrict or prevent movement across a boundary. It is generally distinguished from a wall by the lightness of its construction: a wall is usually restricted to such barriers made from solid brick or concrete, blocking vision as well as passage (though the definitions overlap somewhat).
Fences are constructed for several purposes, including:
- Agricultural fencing, to keep livestock in or predators out
- Privacy fencing, to provide privacy
- Temporary fencing, to provide public safety and security on construction sites
- Security fencing, to prevent trespassing or theft and/or to keep children and pets from wandering away
- Decorative fencing, to enhance the appearance of a property, garden or other landscaping
- Boundary fencing, to demarcate a piece of real property
- Griffin Edwards face
Griffin Edwards face (sic) not withstanding (I am not kidding, that really is in the aforementioned Wikipedia entry), I am going to go out on a limb and postulate that what graces the frontage of 158 India Street once was, or desperately wants to be, a fence.
However, since it is secured with a piece of coat hanger wire, has a gap wide enough for me to talk through and appears to be collapsing, I think it would be more apropos to call it The Maginot Line.
Or simply a death trap. Take your pick.
If a construction fence collapses and an inspector from the Department of Buildings is not around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Miss Heather
Booty Call: #6 of the Greenpoint 10 is…
the pimp-a-licious Stuporintendent of the Astral Apartments.
Wishing to pay homage, I swung by Chez T & A yesterday. It would appear the critter problem at 74 India Street is alive and kicking biting.
Never mind the mushrooms.
Damn the bedbugs.
Sometimes a hardworking man (with a hard-on) needs to take pictures of half nekkid women to blow off steam.
How can fixing shit stand a chance when one can watch two hot chicks pretend to suck face instead? And badly at that.
Bad news Astral dude: Japan cornered the market on school girl lesbo shit a long time ago. I should know: I have volumes of it. I only read the articles*, lest any of you are wondering.
Which brings me to this week’s very sucky motivational poster.
Don’t let the bedbugs bite!
Miss Heather
*This is a joke. I cannot read Japanese.
Crappy— In More Ways Than One!
It’s been awhile since I have seen me some super shitty construction fences, so this morning I moseyed on down to West Street to get my fix. I was not disappointed.
The above fence can be seen at the southwestern corner of West and Kent Street.
Here’s a nice shot of the hole in the fence.
Next to it resides this festering pile of garbage.
The sidewalk in front of this fence has a nice crack…
as did the gent taking a shit behind it. I don’t know what the hell this guy ate, but I could smell the Ghost of Dinner Past* over fifteen feet away.
In closing I would like to state that I prefer to envision the glass as being half full. This site is not a public safety hazard: it is an al fresco public lavatory. Don’t laugh, it’s probably cleaner than the women’s crapper at McGolrick Park.
Maybe I should call the CRACK PROS?
Miss Heather
*Or would that be the Ghost of SHITmas Past?
Halloween Decorations du Jour: Holy Shit on Humboldt Street
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Earlier this week I received an email tip from a newbie New York Shitty reader named Ben. He wrote:
Hi Miss Heather —
I stumbled upon your blog a few weeks ago, and I really enjoy it (I’m a Greenpoint resident myself, formerly Diamond Street, currently Jewel).
Apologies if you’ve covered this already and I’ve somehow missed it, but there are absolutely phenomenal Halloween decorations at 652 Humboldt — a massive top-to-bottom display of all kinds of crazy stuff. I’m sure some pictures of it would look great on the blog…
Ben
Well, I walked down there yesterday to check it out. I forgot the exact address, but then again I didn’t really need it. Even at a distance it was pretty obvious which house he was talking about.
I have said time and time again that Greenpoint is the coolest fucking place in the universe. And I every time I have said this I have meant it. The disbelievers among you who wonder why anyone would feel this way about the Garden Spot need only behold the following photograph. It pretty much says it all.
These folks managed to outfit this most unhappy chap with a pump so he vomits a continuous stream of blood into a barrel. Could you imagine what would happen if someone installed such a thing in Park Slope? There’d be a fucking riot, that’s what!
Navy Seals would have to be brought in to extract all wadded up panties out of the sanctimonious ass cracks of stroller moms block by block. It would be chaos. Total and utter chaos. Sort of like Compton —except with a lot of rich white people brandishing attorneys instead of Uzis.
Yes, there really is a house underneath all this stuff. I can honestly say this is the most mind-blowing Halloween display I have ever seen. It literally left me speechless.
The previous photographs do not do this masterpiece justice. Those of you who have the means really should check this out in person. It is unbeFUCKINGlievable. Or, you can click here and check out my Flickr photo set. Take my word for it: it’ll be the coolest waste of your employer’s time you’re going to find on the Internets today.
Happy Halloween!
Miss Heather
Nappytime at 158 India Street
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
It’s been awhile since I paid my pals over at 158 India Street a visit, so I swung by today at 1:30 p.m. to see what’s shaking. Little did I know it would be nappytime for the chaps of Biltmore Contracting.
So if any of you, dear readers, happen to walk down India Street today, please keep the noise down. Even rough and tumble construction workers need their beauty sleep.
Miss Heather
It Happened, Folks!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
The Landmarks Preservation Commission has given the initial go ahead for the Eberhard Faber Historic District! Here’s the scoop from Brownstoner.
Miss Heather
Halloween Photos du Jour: Russell Street Extravaganza
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Mere photographs hardly do justice to today’s selection of Greenpoint Halloween decoration goodness.
The location is 77 Russell Street.
And the Greenpoint Retriever on the premises commands you to come. Obey him.
Miss Heather
A Very Greenpoint Ghost Story
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
In keeping with this week’s Halloween theme, I have selected a very special tale from Greenpoint’s past to share today. It involves a seance gone very, very wrong. From the November 10, 1923 edition of the New York Times, I present to you a ghost story that could only happen in the Garden Spot.
Some people might be afraid of ghosts, but we Greenpointers aren’t. We’ll even walk right up and bite them.
Miss Heather
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