Greenpoint
Lorven Pharmacy
Culture on the Cheap
G is for Gonads!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Last night I ventured into Manhattan to attend Gothamist‘s holiday party. I have long wanted to meet Jen Chung and thank her for finding Julie, my former feline neighbor/bodega cat a new home. And I did.
It took me three subway lines and two transfers to make it happen, but I didn’t mind. Unlike my fellow go-getters, having no “direct access” to Manhattan does not bother me. I travel at a leisurely pace in life, so the Crosstown Local (AKA: the “G”) suits me perfectly.
Some of you might remember the post I wrote about the above annotated poster(s). If not, you can read about it here. I despise the “marker-proofing” of these advertisements. If forced to look at some tart’s “package” while waiting for the G, I should have the right to comment about it— or better yet— force said tart stare at my “package”. Freedom of discourse.
Thankfully we Greenpointers…
have risen to the challgenge.
Behold, the (s)Hit(wo)man!
What is this?
There’s nothing a nice heterosexual gal likes to do more than to mount some penis.
Oh, they meant Dick.
Sorry, I am not into five-ways or living in a police state.
Miss Heather
Greenpoint Pay Phone Du Jour: Manhattan Avenue
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
E.T. sure seems to get around.
Miss Heather
‘Tis The Season: Franklin Street
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
Remember that lemur that was getting buggered by E.T. over on Franklin Street?
Well, they have broken up.
E.T. is hanging out with Santa, the Hulk and Mickey Mouse.
I’m not too sure what the lemur is doing, but it looks kind of painful.
Miss Heather
Belvedere Blow Out!
It has been some time since I have written about my buddies over at Belvedere Partners, so today I am going to redress this egregious oversight on my part and give the scoop on two, count ’em, TWO new Belvederes! Excited yet? If not, you should be dear readers!
Belvedere XII: 150 Java Street
In keeping with the Belvedere landscape architecture paradigm, the entire frontage has received a heaping helping of cement. Planting trees and shrubs are for bleeding heart liberals who don’t appreciate the value-added qualities of concrete.
Can you find the Belvedere in this picture?
You can’t? No worries, I have gone to the trouble of labeling it for you. Belvederes have a chameleon-like tendency to blend in with 100+ year old row houses. Even ones half their size. Uncanny.
Belvedere XXIV: 490 Morgan Avenue
Have you ever wondered what would happen if the aesthetic savants at Belvedere got their hands on an existing piece of property? If so, wonder no more. I have the answer: they will make it look total and utter shit.
Photographs scarcely do this masterpiece justice. One really needs to go to 490 Morgan Avenue and behold it in all its half-assed glory in person. Not only is the “D” missing from “Belvedere”, but the cheesy lanterns gracing the front door are not even mounted straight. Nice.
Burglar bars: CHECK.
Friedrich and Fedders Boxes: CHECK.
Stucco: CHECK.
Oil storage facility down the block: CHECK.
I have long been mystified as to what “system” Belvedere uses to number their serialized schlock. Thankfully, a thorough examination of Belvedere XXII has helped me to understand the why and wherefore behind the numbering its distant cousin at 490 Morgan Avenue: it sucks twice as hard.
Haven’t had enough suckiness, you say? You crave yet more Belvedere hilarity? Check out the new Flash introduction on their web site. Belvedere Partners must be strapped for cash if they can’t hire a professional to straighten that crooked “R” on their store front. In fact, things must be really bad if the President of the company can’t outlay $4.00 for a box of Nice ‘n Easy and touch up those roots. If Mayor Mike really wanted to beautify Greenpoint he would stop planting trees, lock this woman in a beauty salon and refuse to let her out until that shit matches.
Miss Heather
‘Tis The Season: Wythe Avenue
Analysis: before one can love others he/she needs to learn how to love him/herself.
Miss Heather
‘Tis The Season: 143 Huron Street
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
This week my good friends at 143 Huron have seen fit to gift wrap their hastily erected ediface. Maybe this white cloak is a safety precaution? Though that would seem unlikely given their employees bust glass bottles on the street in front of Bagel on the Run for entertainment. To Greenpoint with love from 143 Huron Street LLC:
A hunka hunka of flaming shit.
I can hardly wait to open it. I sure hope they won’t make me wait until Christmas morning. My curiosity is killing me.
Miss Heather
Coats, Scarves and Sock Monkeys, Oh My!
First off, I would like to thank the people who have contributed canned goods and coats to The Diamond Bar or the Greenpoint Reformed Church so far. Secondly, I would also like to make my fellow Greenpointers aware that Church of the Ascension is also accepting coats on the behalf of NY Cares. Here are the details per an email I received from the woman coordinating this drive, Nicole:
We have created a NY Cares Coat Drive drop-off at the Church of the Ascension in Greenpoint to make an easy nearby drop-spot for people who wish to donate coats to this good cause. It involves nothing more than people bringing by gently-used coats and they get a tax write-off and everyone feels good and people who need coats get them.
Drop offs can be made at the Java Street entrance to Ascension Hall (121 Java Street, between Manhattan Avenue and Franklin Street) at the following times:
SUNDAYS, 11:00am – 1:00pm
TUESDAYS, 4:30pm – 7:30pm
WEDNESDAYS, 4:30pm – 7:30pm
SATURDAYS, 10:00am – 12:30pm
Greenpoint Church of the Ascension
121 Java Street
Brooklyn, New York 11222
(718) 389-3831
ascensionbrooklyn (at) gmail (dot) com
On a related note, I recently received an email from my friend Spring over at Love Keeps You Warm. She writes:
…all in all, we had about 200 scarves to contribute, and tons of yarn for next year! we’re going to keep accepting donations of yarn and scarves for next years baskets.
thanks!!!!
Anyone interested in contributing yarn or scarves should contact Diana via email at:
dprevitire (at) actorsequity (dot) org
Those are some great looking scarves, folks! Keep ’em coming.
Lastly, I would be remiss if I didn’t give another shout out to Fresh Art’s Sock Monkey Workshop. As it would happen, a New York Shitty commenter, papercut, gave it a whirl. She wrote:
I volunteered last night at Fresh Art thanks to your post and link. I had never made a sock monkey before and I fear addiction. What a fabulous group of women and organization. They were all curious how I heard about them and when I mentioned your blog everyone was very interested. I think you have a few more readers.
Who says doing something nice for others cannot be fun? Drop off a coat, knit a scarf or make a sock monkey today!
Miss Heather
The Vagina Log
(Envision Miss Heather walking down Calyer Street. She is headed east and has just crossed Newel Street.)
Gee, I wonder why someone painted part of this log blue? I think I’ll take a closer look.
Oh, that explains it! It needs a dissonant shade of blue to offset the vagina that has been painted on it. Silly me. I should have remembered that from art school!
Could someone please explain to me this recent practice of inscribing female genitalia on trees? I ask because this is the second one I have found in as many weeks.
Calyer Cooze*, meet the Bedford Avenue beaver. I wonder if they know about the Roebling Porno Tree? Methinks I’ll arrange an introduction.
Miss Heather
*This is the best commenter name I have ever heard of— and yes, there is a registered commenter on New York Shitty who has this moniker. She is a very nice person.
‘Tis The Season, Part II: Don’t Let The Bedbugs Bite!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
As promised, here is the shocking conclusion of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle article entitled Problem of City Living which dates 121 years to the day before the above photograph was taken: December 5, 1886. Those of you who have the dubious honor of living (or having lived) in this building will probably find the following description of the Astral hard to swallow. This beautiful building was a very nice place once. Read on and see for yourself.
…the Astral Apartments is the most perfect type of an apartment house in the world.
Not anymore. That “playground” where children once played has become a dog shit smeared den of inequity for the Superintendent and his harem. So much for those “ample sanitary requirements” as well: mold growing on ceilings and an unabated bedbug infestation are two of the least sanitary things I can think of. Then again, could I honestly expect anything different from the fine minds who brought us this?
I rest my case.
Miss Heather
P.S.: Any Williamsburgers out there who feel left out, don’t despair. It has come to my attention recently that you have plenty of these little critters too!
‘Tis The Season: Don’t Let The Bedbugs Bite!
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
The above photograph was taken yesterday, December 5, 2007 at 8:00 p.m. in front of the 74 India Street entrance of the Astral Apartments. For the sake of comparison (and because quite frankly I have a VERY dark sense of humor) follows is the first installment of an article about this building from the December 5, 1886 edition of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle. The second half will follow later today. Enjoy!
Am I the only one who finds it interesting that 121 years after this article was published that quality affordable housing is, once again, an issue?
Miss Heather
NYS Flickr Pool
