i-FORCE

One thing I have noticed about Greenpointers (and Polish men in particular) over the years is they love large automobiles. Whereas public transportation or a Honda Civic would pass muster with an average person, these chaps demand Humvees, pick-up trucks or S.U.V.s. The bigger, the better. Last weekend I came upon one such vehicle on Nassau Avenue. Amused by the sheer size of this gas guzzler, I went in for a closer look.

Nothing declares “Ask me about my castration anxiety” like bright red paint job and a placard emblazoned with the phrase “i-Force”. I cannot believe professionals are paid to come up with this stuff. Seriously. Give me five minutes and a copy of Penthouse Forum and I’ll come up with a dozen pieces of ad copy better than this.

No wonder this gent is worried about his balls: they’re tiny! Those fellas sure look awfully cold. He should knit them a nice little cozy to keep them warm.

Miss Heather

P.S.: Testicular trucks should hardly be surprising coming from the neighborhood which invented “Snoodling”.

A Greenpoint Moment: Newel Street

Be advised that the buzzards are not working at 115 Newel Street today. Perhaps they have Martin Luther King Day off?

The same cannot be said for the lions, horse heads and eagle* which grace this property: they are faithfully at work making this building look like ass.

Miss Heather

*Or is this a chicken? It is sort of hard to tell.

Greenpoint Photo du Jour: Meserole Avenue

I have walked by this tree on a number of occasions. In all that time how the hell could I miss Bullwinkle (and his sidekick Rocky) staring imploringly at me?

Miss Heather

Thinking About Beer

One of the books I am currently reading (I usually read 2-3 books in tandem) is “Dry Manhattan: Prohibition in New York City” by Michael A. Lerner. Although I have not completed it yet I’ll say it is a pretty enjoyable book, if dry in parts (pun intended). Despite what the title implies, there isn’t much material about the outer boroughs in this tome.

This dearth of information made Miss Heather wonder:

Gee, I wonder what Greenpoint thought of prohibition?

Knocking around the Garden Spot in 2008, I can assure you we Greenpointers sure love us some beer. I cannot fathom what would happen to this neighborhood if its alcohol supply was cut off. Some would (rightfully) argue it would become a better place. I, on the other hand, am not so certain. If it wasn’t for the King of Beers I would have jammed an icepick into the eye sockets of the many developers and landlords who have seen fit to work until 9:00-10:00 p.m. at night a long, long time ago. But I digress.

Beer and Greenpoint have a long relationship. It may at times be dysfunctional, but it is a relationship nonetheless. What did a Greenpointer do when this solace of the working man was taken away courtesy of the Eighteenth Amendment, you ask?

Very simple:

1. They made their own. Leonard Suligowski (Greenpoint born and bred, and former reporter for the Greenpoint Star) told me about hearing the popping of bottles in the middle of the night when he was a child. This meant the beer his father was brewing in the backyard was ready to drink.
2. Bootlegging was a common avocation as well.
3. As I learned from the following article from the June 12, 1921 edition of the New York Times they took to the streets en masse. With five marching bands and floats to boot!

Here’s another piece of Prohibition-era Greenpoint glory from the July 15, 1921 edition of the New York Times (sub)titled Dry Sleuths Assert They Have Found a Place in Brooklyn Where Drinks Sell at 25 Cents. The address where these “25-cent drinks” were sold sounded familiar to me. When I looked it up later it totally made sense. Read on and learn for yourselves.

To learn where poor Mr. Kellman was serving up the cheap hooch, click here.

Miss Heather

Strong Enough For a Man, But Made For a Greenpointer

I discovered this super-sized bottle of suds recently at the local bodega. Amazed by its sheer size (and very reasonable price of $3.50) I had to give “Baltica Extra Lager 9” a whirl.

Vital Statistics

Brand Name: Baltica
Country of Origin: Russia
Ounces: 51 (one quart + one pint + 3 ounces)
Price: $3.50 ( ~$0.07 per ounce)
% Alcohol: 8
Bottle: Made of plastic

New York Shitty Analysis: The good thing about this beer coming in a plastic bottle is you won’t beat yourself senseless with it after you realize you spent an entire $3.50 to consume this substance. As I imbibed Baltica I often found myself wondering if carbonated urine was the fluid inhabiting this bottle. Not wishing to submit my person to the field research necessary to find out, I present to you the following visual aid instead.

You can draw your own conclusions, follows are mine.

Anyone in search of an economy set of bowling pins should invest in ten bottle of Baltica. Simply pour out the “beer”, fill them with sand and *presto* you are ready to bowl! Those of you who simply must learn how nasty this stuff is for yourselves (or just want to play a few sets) you can buy Baltica Ale at:

Greenpoint Grocery
1018 Manhattan Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11222

Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Miss Heather

GWAPP Town Hall Meeting

I would like to thank any and all New York Shitty readers who slogged through last night’s delightful weather to attend GWAPP’s Town Hall Meeting. I certainly learned a lot and I hope you did as well. In particular, I was pleased as punch to learn that some of the funds from the $50 million gift Michael Bloomberg has given to refurbish the McCarren Park pool will be allocated towards new public lavatories.

That said, I hope those of you came away as interested in the future park space planned for Greenpoint’s waterfront as I was. For those of you who were unable to attend this event, I will be featuring highlights over the next several days so you can get up to speed!

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Photo de Jour: Moon Over McGuinness

I love this yellow car.

Miss Heather

Recreation, Greenpoint Style

Yesterday I strolled down McGuinness Boulevard and, true to form, it did not disappoint.

I found this sign posted outside the Pit Stop bar. Keg bouncing: I like the sound of that! If baseball is “America’s Game” and Scotland’s sport of choice is caber tossing, why can’t we Greenpointers enjoy a little keg bouncing? Who knows, it might just catch on! (In any case, it certainly sounds a lot nicer than “pig in the bag“.)

Anyone up for starting a keg bouncing league?

Miss Heather