Crosstown Local Cavalcade Volume V: Politics

My grandmother always told me there were two things that one never, ever discussed at a party:

1. Religion
2. Politics

I wholeheartedly agree, especially in regards to the latter. Some people enjoy nothing more than listening to pundits talk District of Columbia shop. If political intrigue was not popular (with a certain set of people, mind you) I doubt there would be so many blogs, web sites and print publications dedicated to the subject. However, when I encounter such subject matter existentialist boredom inevitably follows.

Unless of course it is written on subway posters advertising the movie Rambo. That’s another matter altogether.

While waiting for the Crosstown Local on the Smith – 9th Street platform, I am reminded that the age of Imperialism is, indeed, over.

And the Queens bound platform at Nassau Avenue raises awareness about how the shadow under John Rambo’s nose makes him look like a rather (in)famous 20th century world leader. Cover up the right hand side of his face and see for yourself: the resemblance is uncanny.

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Photo du Jour: McGuinness Boulevard

I cannot believe with as many times as I have walked by this mural (on McGuinness Boulevard just north of the BQE) I never noticed that this seemingly cute little bunny was a headhunter. Or maybe he (?) is the Cthulhu bunny and instead of candy this playful little scamp leaves shrunken heads in the baskets of unwitting children? Given the way some children behave nowadays, I can only hope so.

This horrific little hare is yet more proof that the neighborhood we call Greenpoint yields its treasure in the most unexpected of places: in plain sight.

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Photo du Jour: Kingsland Avenue

One thing I love about Brooklyn is each neighborhood has its own unique take on what constitutes a cozy and inviting home. For example:

In Bushwick polychromatic statuary is the way to go.

Bedford-Stuyvesant prefers to festoon their fences with flamingos.

And in Greenpoint nothing says “welcome home” like a Jason mask standing watch over your stoop. Yes sir, we Greenpointers love us some homicidal maniacs! Fake flowers, cutesy woodland creatures and colorful plumage are for wimps.

In fact, we like Jason much we are not content with him merely gracing our homes, we also take him on the road! So much for Jesus. Any Greenpointer worth his (or her) salt knows the son of god cannot protect you from the utter lunacy that is the Greenpoint motorist. In the Garden Spot Jason is our co-pilot.

Miss Heather

Street Trash

Today, fellow Greenpointers I have a very special treat to share with you: a hitherto unknown bit of Greenpoint glory called “Street Trash”. It all started with an email I received from my buddy Matt Wolfe from the Greenpointer Courier:

Are you familiar with the movie Street Trash. Being that it was filmed entirely in Greenpoint* and is gross, I’m assuming you have. I’m writing an article on it and was curious if you had any comment.

Believe it or not, I had not heard of this film. Intrigued, I looked it up on Wikipedia. The plot synopsis is as follows:

The owner of a liquor store in lower Manhattan finds a case of cheap wine (“Tenafly Viper”) in his basement. It’s over sixty years old and has gone bad, but he decides to sell it to the local hobos anyway. Unfortunately, anyone who drinks this Viper melts away in a hideous fashion. At the same time, an overzealous cop is trying to get to the bottom of all the deaths. The movie is littered with darkly comedic deaths and injuries. It also contains the notorious ‘severed privates’ scene where a group of homeless people play catch with the severed member of one of their number, as he futilely attempts to recover it.

Hobos!?! Bad booze?!? FILMED IN GREENPOINT?!? Obviously I had to possess this item, so I moseyed over to Amazon and ordered it.

Today, dear readers, my “SPECIAL TWO-DISC MELTDOWN EDITION” arrived! Can you feel the magic in the air? You can anticipate a detailed analysis of this flick from yours truly in the near future, so stay tuned. Be sure to keep an eye out for Matt’s interview as well. I have no doubt it will be very interesting.

In closing, I’d like to thank Matt for bringing this to my attention. This film will provide me untold amounts of Greenpoint mirth. Any movie that has the following piece of Oscar-award winning dialogue is definitely up my alley:

Lady, I ain’t so sure you don’t have a cock.

I have found myself wondering just this as I stroll down Manhattan Avenue on many a Sunday afternoon.

Miss Heather

*It later came to light that this is not entirely true: it was filmed in Greenpoint and Maspeth.

Greenpoint Photo du Jour: Manhattan Avenue

I found this flier on the pay phone in front of Divine Follie last Thursday. When I walked by again today it was gone. Maybe the clowns finally caught up with him? After all, it’s kind of foolish to leave tabs with your phone number on them. That only makes it easier for them to contact you.

Then again Jon Voight’s thought processes have never made sense to me. Or much of anyone else for that matter.

Miss Heather

Backhoe For Sale

You know, there have been a number of occasions I have found myself musing “You know, I could really use a backhoe— and not just any backhoe either: it must have an extendable dipper.” So you can imagine my delight when I walked by Nina’s Pizzeria on Meeker Avenue today and found this.

Wow. $19,000 is such a small price to pay for a 580K case backhoe! I wonder what these purported “other options” are? Perhaps the seat is made is covered in genuine Corinthian leather? Methinks I will have to give this guy a ring and take this bad boy out for a test drive.

Miss Heather

Crosstown Local Cavalade Volume IV: Safety Tips

Subway safety posters are both a source of amusement and ire to yours truly. On the one hand I find their practice of explaining what should be self-evident to anyone with a shred of self-preservation and intelligence darkly amusing. On the other, I think posters advising sick people to refrain from riding the subway is a ludicrous waste of our tax dollars. Maybe the peeps at the MTA could provide a “call in sick service” on our behalf as well?

Dear Sir or Madam:

(Insert name here) will not be in today, (insert date). He/she (circle one) is too ill to ride the subway. Please note this in your payroll records and dock his/her pay accordingly. We thank you in advance for your understanding and thanks for riding the MTA!

The fact of the matter is some people do not have the option of calling in sick. What’s more, we have the right to ride the subway regardless of the state of health we find ourselves in on any given day. If I want to guzzle Orange Juliuses, hop on the train, get motion sickness and spew copious amounts of neon orange goo at my fellow passengers* during rush hour that’s my god given right. This is America goddammit and if projectile vomiting is how I see fit to exact my $2.00 worth of fare that’s my prerogative. And none of their fucking business.

My proposal to the MTA is as follows: why not outsource the copy writing of your public service posters to the ridership of the G train? Not only do we have the time to spare, but we also have a number of interesting ideas.

These range from the motivational and uplifting at Nassau Avenue…

to slightly nihilistic…

and illucid at Greenpoint Avenue.

Granted, the advice we dispense might be questionable in nature, but it is a lot more attention grabbing. How’s about it, Metropolitan Transit Authority? Will you let us help you to help us become more savvy subway patrons and better citizens?

Miss Heather

*I saw this once while riding the N train during rush hour. It was a sight I’ll never forget.