Happy Pulaski Day From Greenpoint!

Giraffe wearing socks = PRICELESS.

Miss Heather

Williamspoint Photos du Jour: Speak Your Mind

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, 11211.

Greenpoint, Brooklyn, 11222.

Miss Heather

Photo Credits: Greenpoint van; mugsniffer.

The Joy Of The Junk Shop

Every Thursday it’s the same thing: dig through a pile of crap on the jewelry counter. Occasionally this entails finding a half-eaten hamburger or apple. Usually it involves digging through a pile of god only knows what to find only more crap. And porn. The pot of gold at the end of my proverbial rainbow this week was this.

The above item wasn’t laid out as nicely as depicted in the above photograph. It was all balled up. I picked it up, discerned what it was and quickly dropped it: a cock sock. I washed my hands, things got busy and I promptly forgot about it.

FRIDAY: I found my erstwhile sexual accessory in the dumpster. I protested and my buddy Frantz retrieved it for me. I had plans for this bad boy. BIG PLANS. The beauty of The Thing is its ugliness. Some call it ramshackle piles of junk, I prefer to call it opportunity.

Step One

Question: When is a filthy vase not a filthy vase?
Answer: When a cock sock has been attached to it. Then it becomes a cock sock holder.

Step Two: Accessories

Basic black is nice but accessories are really what pulls an ensemble together. Just ask the experts.

I call this one “I Dream of Jeannie”.

Those of you wanting a more masculine look might like this one. I call it “Davy Cockett”. I wonder if Sarah Palin has one of these bad boys on her mantle? I can only hope so!

While I am on the subject of my favorite person (one who makes Dan Quayle look William F. Buckley by comparison) I call this one “Abstinence”. This somehow left me feeling unsatisfied so (like Levi Johnston) I dug around some more. At last I had my “eureka” moment.

I call this arrangement “Moneyshot”. On a scale of 1 to 10 I’d give it a “9”. Being the perfectionist I am I decided to kick it up a notch by leaving it next to Larry da’ Junkman’s lunch.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Real mavericks do not call themselves “Pitbulls with lipstick”. This rhetoric is that of “talkers” not doers. Not only do I “do” but I did.

Leave a cock sock assemblage.

Next to my (male) boss’s lunch.

For the fuck of it.

Miss Heather

Presenting Sack Lunch Mondays

After rattling off this post in a pique of self-righteous (and very tired but nonetheless justified) rage I was pleasantly surprised by the attention it received. Not only did the fine folks at Curbed, Daily Intel and The New York Observer* link to this tome, but I got something even better: people asking me via comments and email what they can do to help the Greenpoint Reformed Church and its Soup Kitchen. My answer is twofold:

1. Organize a letter campaign/petition drive
2. Donate and volunteer.

The previous point will take some time to organize and implement. The latter can be done as easily as this (per the church’s newsletter):

Our church’s efforts to combat hunger in Greenpoint over the last eleven months have been a great success, but they have also shed light upon the tremendous need here in our community. Beginning this next Monday, October 6th we will be distributing sandwich bags to hungry Greenpointers on Manhattan Avenue between Greenpoint Avenue and McCarren Park.  This is a joint venture with the two Lutheran churches in Greenpoint, St. John’s and Messiah.

Our church will prepare the sandwich bags at 12:30 p.m. on Sunday afternoons on the 3rd and 4th Sundays of the month and distribute the bags each Monday between 1 p.m. and 2 p.m.  If you are interested in helping please speak with Amil Gehrke or Pastor Jen or just show up on Sundays or Mondays.

We are also in need of additional help with the second shift at the soup kitchen.  If you are able to help with clean up on Wednesdays from 6:00 p.m. to 7:30 or 8pm, please stop by.

Greenpoint Reformed Church
136 Milton Street
Brooklyn, New York 11222
Phone: (718) 383-5941
Email: pastor (at) greenpointchurch (dot) org

Miss Heather

*I will give you guys (and gals) a good-natured thump on the nose, tho: one crazy neighbor does not “public rancor” against a soup kitchen make. Milton Street has no bigger a public urination problem than anywhere else in Greenpoint (or New York City, for that matter)— not that I suppose that’s really saying anything. 😉

Greenpoint Photo du Jour: Norman Avenue

Who says mom’s trip to the beauty parlor can’t be fun? This young gentleman (who I have dubbed “Roller Finger”) has the right attitude!

Miss Heather

P.S.: Years ago I made the mistake of having my best friend from high school be my college roommate. Before our friendship went to hell in a hand basket (as a consequence) we’d do things together. Lighting “jumping jacks”, tossing them in the toilet and photographing the results was my favorite avocation; shopping at Victoria’s Secret was hers. “Mickey” took her femininity very seriously. I seriously couldn’t give a shit. Hellraising is much more fun. But I digress.

One day I found myself at a Victoria’s Secret store in some nameless, faceless mall in north Texas.

ASIDE: I find Frederick’s of Hollywood charming in a kitschy kind of way. At least they acknowledge the life blood of their business: sex. Victoria’s Secret by comparison is, well, VICTORIAN. Patrolled by Frau Bluckeresque saleswomen who’d probably beat you with a ruler if given half the chance.

But back to my story.

Nary a pasty, flavored lube or a pair of men’s “novelty underwear” (usually involving elephants or giraffes) was to be found that day. I had to find another avenue for entertainment. Interesting things happen when I get bored. In this case I decided to find the biggest bra they had in stock. Hilarity ensued.

Saleswoman: Excuse me, can I help you?
Miss Heather: No, I’m alright.
Salewoman: The bras “in your size” are over there (pointing to the “pirate’s delight”* section).
Miss Heather: I know. I just want to see the biggest boulder holder you have in stock.

She left me alone after that. I later told “Mickey” what I did. She didn’t think it was very funny.

*Sunken chest.

TOMORROW: The Greenpoint 100

Today I finally delivered my submission (an 8″ by 10″ print of the above image) to the Greenpoint 100 which is set to kick off at 11:00 a.m. tomorrow. To refresh everyone’s memory, this is an annual fundraiser for the Greenpoint Branch of the Brooklyn Public Library; 100 people contribute art work which will in turn be sold for $25.00 a pop. Last year there were some absolutely breathtaking submissions. I have no doubt this year will be no different. Be sure to arrive early.

Greenpoint 100
October 4, 2008 11:00 a.m. – 2:30 p.m.
Brooklyn Public Library
107 Norman Avenue
Brooklyn, New York 11222

They’ll also be conducting a bake sale. Yum!

Miss Heather

Anybody Want Three Issues Of Polish Playboy*?

If so head down to the northwestern corner of Meserole and Manhattan Avenue. As of 4:15 p.m. today your free (still in the shrink wrap with accompanying VIDEO) ticket to Five Knuckle Shuffleville awaits!

But it’s in POLISH!

My English-speaking Greenpoint conrades protest.

We (women) all know you don’t really buy this periodical for the articles, gents. You’re not fooling anyone.

Miss Heather

*Be advised they’re all March 2008.

Greenpoint Photos du Jour: Faile On Meserole Avenue

Looks like there are signs of life at this beautiful old storefront. What’s more I was delighted to see a man picking up his dog’s shit. While talking on a cell phone no less. That’s what I call “multi-tasking”!

Miss Heather

TOMORROW: Square Dancing In Greenpoint

I cannot honestly say I can muster much enthusiasm for this event. This is probably because (I shit you not) square dancing was part of the curriculum in Phys. Ed. at my elementary school. We all hated it when it was “Square Dancing Day” because it entailed:

1. Touching the opposite sex (and thus possibly getting “cooties”)
2. It meant we were not going to play dodgeball (preferably with the big rubber balls because they inflict more pain upon impact— Nerf balls are for wimps)

Nonetheless I realize that someone out there might be interested so here it is:

Come shake a leg and celebrate Fall in Greenpoint at the Greenpoint Autumn Square Dance on Saturday, October 4th at the Lutheran Church of the Messiah on McGolrick Park in Brooklyn.  East Kentucky’s Clack Mountain String Band and Virginia dance caller Julie Shepherd are coming north for a night of lively old-time music, dancing, hot cider and donuts. On the forefront of a diverse and blossoming music scene in Morehead, Kentucky, Clack Mountain String Band consists of four core members; Karly Higgins, Jesse Wells, J.T. Cure and Brett Ratliff.   CSMB is vastly influenced by the mountains and rolling hills of East Kentucky and old-time master musicians like Lee Sexton, George Gibson, and their dear friend, the late fiddler Art Stamper.  MC and caller Julie Shepherd is an accomplished dancer and banjo player currently residing in Staunton, VA.

For more information, e-mail greenpointsquaredance (at) gmail (dot) com.

The Greenpoint Autumn Square Dance
The Lutheran Church of the Messiah
129 Russell Street
Brooklyn, New York 11222

Be sure to bring your own cooties.

Miss Heather

Greenpoint Photo du Jour: Levity On Franklin Street

The text on Kill Devil Hill’s window reads as follows:

Our bank went under last night. Mark got out his grandpa’s still. Not to worry, we’ll be first with the moonshine.

Miss Heather