Greenpoint
Lorven Pharmacy
Culture on the Cheap
This Is Why I Like Teenagers
(Or, The G Train Strikes Back)
This morning my parents made their return to the Land of Enchantment. Our week long vacation seeing the sights of this fair city (the fun stuff, not the offal shilled in travel brochures) was pretty uneventful. That is until we decided to go to Manducatis last night for dinner. Or more accurately when we decided to come home via (you guessed it) the G train. For a Tuesday evening the train was curiously crowded. Mostly with teenagers in a very lively mood. I chose to sit next to them. My parents— not being acclimatized to such shenanigans (as are most retirees)— kept their distance. In hindsight this was an excellent decision on their part, as you will learn.
After we got off at Greenpoint Avenue we dropped by the local wine store and headed home. It was as I was headed up the stairs of our apartment building that the Mister spied something nested in the hood of my jacket. Upon closer inspection he told me what it was. Follows is my reply:
You’re kidding, right?
No. He wasn’t.
After we established that the prophylactic in question was indeed unused I ceased to care. My mother (who can be seen recoiling in horror in the background of the above photograph which was taken by Mister Heather*) felt differently. Now that I have had time to think about it, it isn’t so much the fact that someone saw fit to use me as some kind of walking advertisement for safe sex that troubles me. I’ve had lit cigarettes flung at my person with amazing accuracy. And worse. Public humiliation no longer fazes me. Rather, it’s the fact that I walked 2-3 city blocks with this hilarious item in tow and no one seemed to notice. Or care.
In closing I’d like to give a heaping helping of New York Shitty gratitude to those mischievous youths on the Smith – 9th bound G train. You gave my parents the quintessential Crosstown Local experience. Thanks guys!
Miss Heather
*Who then proceeded to tell my parents:
She comes home with condoms stuck to her all the time.
Crosstown Local Photos Du Jour: What A Piece Of Work Is The Crosstown Local
Nassau Avenue
O Wonder!
How many goodly creatures are there here!
How beauteous mankind is! O Brave new world
That has such people in it!
Greenpoint Avenue
What piece of work is a man the G train! how noble in reason! how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how express and admirable! in action how like an angel! In apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the world! the paragon of animals! And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? man delights not me: no, nor woman neither, though by your smiling you seem to say so. — William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act II, Scene II
Miss Heather
Crosstown Local Photo Du Jour: Always
From the Smith – 9th bound platform at Greenpoint Avenue.
Miss Heather
Crosstown Local Photo Du Jour: F*ck Fare Hikes
You can always leave it to our friends in Clinton Hill to set the record straight as to how we G trainers feel about the Metropolitan Transit Authority.
Miss Heather
Great Moments In Product Placement: Sephora Smackdown
Those of you who have read this blog over the years probably have deduced that I am a feminist. This is true. But unlike some of my sisters I also sport a sense of humor. Riding the G train demands a certain appreciation for the absurd. In short, the Crosstown Local would probably make Franz Kafka, Kurt Vonnegut and George Orwell— rock stars in my literary universe— chuckle. Which brings me back to the above advertisement.
Are you ready for a fateful encounter on the subway?
This advertisement from Sephora asks— in the hope of playing upon a woman’s insecurity about her personal appearance. On the G train. A subway line I can assure you is laden with sexy beasts of the male variety. NOT.
After some careful consideration I created the following rebuttal via a PowerPoint flow chart. A medium specifically designed to be digested by idiots with a short attention span: not unlike what the wizards behind Sephora’s advertisement had in mind. Simply less sexy. That’s the G train way.
Do the math.
Miss Heather
Crosstown Local Photo Du Jour: It’s BAAAACK!
April 11, 2009
Metropolitan Transit Authority
Attn: H. Dale Hemmerdinger, Chairman
347 Madison Avenue
New York, NY 10017-3739
Re: advertisement on Queens-bound platform at Greenpoint Avenue
Dear Mr. Hemmerdinger,
What did my community ever do to you to deserve this? I mean, I can handle the odd pervert whipping out his penis— but hammertoes too? Have a heart, Dale. Please.
Sincerely,
Miss Heather
Proprietress of New York Shitty, Greenpoint citizen & patron of the Crosstown Local
Crosstown Local Photo Du Jour: Total Consciousness
In all my years of patronizing the G train I have seen a lot of shit. You name it and chances are I’ve probably seen, heard, touched, smelled— and yes— tasted it at some time or another. For better or worse, the Crosstown Local is a feast for all five senses— and probably a few more. I have grown to accept this fact and find it quite endearing to be perfectly frank. The previous having been said once in a very blue moon I will encounter something that confounds even me. Tonight I had one such experience.
To truly appreciate this product of enlightened thought* click on the above image and peruse a larger photograph of the rather amazing revelation some anonymous (but very talented nonetheless) subway goer had while waiting for the “Gee, where the hell is it?” train. I’m guessing he (or she) had a lot of time on her hands to execute a master work of this caliber. This is hardly surprising.
I suppose you could also head to the Smith – 9th bound platform at Greenpoint Avenue and see it in person. Whichever best suits your time/space equilibrium. Either way it is time (and/or a Metrocard swipe) well spent.
Gunga Galunga…
Miss Heather
*And given the fact this missive is on an advertisement for Dunkin Donuts, probably some blue chip sensimilla.
Crosstown Local Photo Du Jour: Greenpoint Avenue
The Crosstown Local (otherwise known as the G) on any given day has a lot of angry passengers. Sometimes they their frustration by defacing subway posters. In this case the Metropolitan College of New York was the target of their ire.
Thankfully we also have copy editors.
Miss Heather
An India Street Public Service Announcement: MISSING
Many of you have probably noticed that I am very much an animal person. This is the reason I feature adoptable pets on this site. It is also why I pass along fliers for lost pets when I encounter them.
Today’s item (which is located just outside the entrance for the Queens bound G train at India Street) puts me in a bit of a semantical quandary. From what I could tell what was lost was not a pet per se. However it does appear to mean a lot to its “keeper” so I am going to err on the side of caution and post it here.
You know what they say:
What happens at the Glenwood Hotel should stay at the Glenwood Hotel.
Unfortunately Jmz didn’t. If you have seen “Jmz” (AKA: ghst or Nagi) please contact ghstsnguitars at the above email address.
Your immediate attention to this matter is greatly appreciated.
Miss Heather
NYS Flickr Pool
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