Overheard In Greenpoint…

July 18, 2008 ·
Filed under: Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

(Or: Be A L-Trainer Or Just Act Like One)

Ordinarily I would submit something like the following to Overheard In New York. But given its particularly Greenpoint nature I am publishing it here. Mr. Heather and I overheard this last night while walking to the Black Rabbit.

Young 20-something chick to her clique of nubile comrades on Huron Street at Manhattan Avenue:

If I lived here I’d walk to the L train.

That’s over a mile, honey. Do you think you can do that in heels?

Miss Heather

Map Credit: Google

I Am A Bad Feminist

June 27, 2008 ·
Filed under: Crazy Cat Lady, Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

I have found myself asking this question more and more of late. When I leave my apartment building I am harassed by construction workers on a regular basis. When I take photographs men try to intimidate me. I have been hissed at, kissed at and physically threatened in person. Online I have been called a bitch, a witch, a cunt and someone who needs a good “vagina pounding”. Does this sound like equality to you?

I aspire to be called an asshole, dick head, son of a bitch or motherfucker. In terms of physical violence, I want the threat of a good ass kicking, not a hate fuck. I am married woman. I want to be monogamous. Is this too much to ask? I think not.

Gloria Steinem said anyone against Hillary Clinton was anti-woman. I guess I am anti-woman too. Who knew? In any case, here’s a choice tidbit I found from the March 11, 1870 edition of the Brooklyn Daily Eagle to remind us that womens’ rights are quite a novel thing.

When someone says to me:

Hey Heather, you motherfucking dick-headed son of a bitch asshole I want to kick your fucking ass.

I know I have achieved equality with my male peers and will dissipate into a cloud of feminist pixie dust. Until then I will rant. And be a cunt whose sole aspiration in life is to be an asshole. Feminism is dead— if you want it to be. I’ll keep on fighting, thank you very much.

Cocksucker.

This post is dedicated to George Carlin.

R.I.P.

Miss Heather

THIS WEEKEND: Empty Cages Collective

June 25, 2008 ·
Filed under: Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

This upcoming Sunday, June 29th the Beehive Salon will be hosting a very special group of glamour pusses; adoptable cats and kittens (including the inimitable Miss Squirrel, seen above) from Empty Cages Collective, a rescue organization recently started up by my good friend, animal lover and fellow Greenpointer, Lisacat.

The Beehive Salon
115 North 7th Street
Brooklyn, New York 11211

(718) 782-8376

If you are thinking about adopting a cat or simply want to brighten the day of some kitties in search of a forever home, why not swing by between 2:00 – 6:00 p.m. and say hi?

Miss Heather

Photo Credit: Lisacat

Manhattan Photo du Jour: Fulton Street

June 9, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People 

Before I experienced the utter hell that is the South Street Seaport yesterday I happened upon this piece of commentary.

And I rather liked it.

Miss Heather

PROGRESS

June 2, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

Sunday afternoon I received the following email from a tipster. “M” writes:

Have you seen the latest Greenpoint Courier? Inset in the newest issue is Volume 1, Edition 1 of ExxonMobil Progress, a 12-page – 6 in English, 6 in Polish – “newsletter” in which Exxon details the fine work they’re doing for the good folks of Greenpoint. Carolina Asirifi pens the introductory letter, which calls attention to the company’s grants to local schools and “underscores ExxonMobil’s commitment to safeguarding out neighbor’s health and safety in every aspect of our operation.”

Lord knows how much Exxon paid for this supplement, but I’d be surprised if it wasn’t enough to pay the paper’s production costs…

Fun bonus fact: The contact number that Exxon provides for suggestions from the community about future articles – 718-389-8789 – doesn’t work.

Needless to say I got off the computer and grabbed a copy of this paper immediately. You, dear readers, should do the same. It’s a real pisser.

Click on the above image and read this shit bomb yourself. Follows is my favorite quote. It comes from the article propaganda featured on page 5 entitled Progress Snapshot: Focus on Community Health and Safety… Our Highest Priority.

To safeguard your health and safety, we installed and maintain more than 240 monitoring wells to help us accurately identify the location and depth of the underground plume of the underground plume of petroleum products.

The above statement makes it sound like Exxon dug these wells out of the kindness of their little hearts. This is not true; they were required to install them. This tome goes on to reassure us, the Greenpoint public, that of the measly 52 houses tested, none came up positive for vapors. Whew I sure feel better sleeping at night knowing Exxon is on the case! How about you?

I have also learned recently that our good neighbors at Exxon Mobil are quite the model citizens. Did you know that thanks to Vito Lopez, Exxon Mobil has been “partners” with the N.Y.P.D. Auxiliary Police since 1991? They have donated over $200,000 to this cause. Wow!

As a matter of fact Exxon Mobil has thrown a lot of chump change around our fair burgh recently. Here’s a list of what I am aware of:

  • The N.Y.P.D. Auxiliary Police (above)
  • St. Cecilia School (soon to be defunct— ironically there was an article about just this on the front page of this edition of the Greenpoint Courier.)
  • St. Stanislaus School
  • The Polish Film Festival. Per the Williamsburg Greenpoint News+Arts they threw “several thousand dollars” at this event. Here’s what the Director of this festival, Marco Ursino, had to say:

My position is that it is a good thing and it would continue to be a good thing if ExxonMobil is giving back to the community… If I can take some of that money and channel it to the community and people can benefit from it, it is good that they are willing to make the gesture.

Hey, at least the guy realizes he is being used. The folks at Town Square sure as fuck don’t.

Do you know of any other charitable contributions Exxon Mobil has made recently (in their attempt buy our trust)? If so, please pass them along to me via email at:

missheather (at) newyorkshitty (dot) com

In closing, I’d like to leave you with this fun fact listed at the bottom of page 6 under an item entitled “West Point Comes To Greenpoint”*:

How many of these individuals are Public Relations officials? Just curious. I know for a fact Ms. Asirfiri has requested to be on the steering committee for a park slated to be built right here in Greenpoint. What’s more, she was added to the email list by the acting chair of the committee without any input whatsoever from the committee at large. Not only did the “chair” seemingly not have a problem with this arrangement, but two committee members who are actively engaged in litigation against Exxon were curiously excluded from this email:

Some of you may have noticed a new name added to the email list on the update I just sent: Carolina Asirifi, who is the community relations director for Exxon Mobil. (name excised) informed me last week that she’d like to be a member of our steering committee. I’m sure some of us might have a bone to pick re her employer and their policies, but I also think that we could potentially use her involvement to our advantage!

One does not use Public Relations officials, be they from Exxon-Mobil or elsewhere. The very nature of a P.R. hack’s job is to use us— and if all the previous is any indication, Ms. Asirfiri, et. al. are doing a smash-up job. If you any of you have an issue with Exxon-Mobil’s practice of throwing around pocket change instead of fessing up to their culpability regarding the oil spill (or simply want to call them on fobbing off a paid advertising section as “news”), don’t waste your time calling an inoperative phone number! Here’s Ms. Asirfiri’s email address:

carolina.a.asirifi (at) exxonmobil (dot) com

Why not let Exxon know today that some of us Greenpointers aren’t buying it. Or at least we demand a much higher price to sellout.

Miss Heather

*This confirms my suspicion that Greenpoint will be revealed as a manufacturer of W.M.D.s so as to facilitate “preemptive unilateral action” by the good ol’ U.S. of A. to take our precious petrol! Bastards.

Disturbathon

May 20, 2008 ·
Filed under: Asshole, Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

(Or how to go totally fucking insane in twelve easy steps)

Today’s offerings will be excruciating lite because:

  1. I have been housebound for three days and as a consequence I am low on material.
  2. Last night I went absolutely bat shit.

It takes a lot to rattle me. Life in New York Shitty has a way of knocking those sharp edges of intolerance clean off a person. But for those of you out there who wish to drive Miss Heather abso-FUCKING-lutely nuts (and you know who you are), here’s how to do it.

  1. Give Miss Heather a task, in this case waiting for a Fed Ex package to be delivered.
  2. Get a one yard container and place it under Miss Heather’s living room window.
  3. Starting at 9:00 a.m. sharp start flinging metal pipes into said dumpster.
  4. Be sure to make a sport of it. Slamdunks are not only encouraged, but they are mandatory.
  5. Accompany your manly acts of garbage disposal with color commentary such as “I’m the man!” and “$2,000?!? I can get a fucking whore for that kind of money!” If “Kristen” is reading this come on down to Greenpoint. I found you a client!
  6. Repeat items #4 and #5 until 5:30 p.m.
  7. Debt collection agencies: give me a ring. Often. Be sure to ask for “Julie Garcia” despite my repeated assertions that she doesn’t live here.
  8. Fed Ex: be sure to postpone your delivery until the next day. Do not inform me of this. We both know my only purpose in life is to wait for you to show up. It’s not like I have anything better to do anyway.
  9. Scrap metal collectors: once the sun begins to set it is your turn to shine! Please proceed to the dumpster (as mentioned in point #2) and fling its contents onto the sidewalk in the loudest manner possible.
  10. Mister Heather: fire up a documentary about East German Olympic athletes being used as guinea pigs for anabolic steroids. The mere sound of metal crashing onto the ground is not enough to render my efforts at writing futile. It must be accompanied with images of women who look like Dick Butkus.
  11. Dispatcher at 94th Precinct: When someone (in this case, Mr. Heather who fears I am about to go “Prisoner of Second Avenue” on someone’s ass) calls your direct number to complain about noise/suspicious activity, order him/her to call 911. You, being expected actually field a phone call by a lowly tax payer? The sheer fucking nerve.
  12. Make sure the mayhem (from pipes being thrown asunder, television, etc.) lasts for twelve straight hours, giving Miss Heather a headache that won’t quit.

Yup. If you want to get on my nerves this handy outline shows you how! Not only has it been proven effective in clinical studies but it also comes with a 100% money back guarantee. Which given I have provided this information totally free of charge— well, you know.

Miss Heather

Ode To A Door Knob

May 12, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

Or as our friends across the pond like to say: door handle.

Few things are so pervasive, yet so uncelebrated as the lowly door knob. Think about it. How many emotionally charged moments in your life have involved this mundane servant of humanity?

  • Have you ever been locked out of your apartment? That door knob was there to bear silent testimony to your plight (and wrath).
  • Ever had a nasty argument with your significant other/spouse and elected to exit your apartment by making the dramatic statement of slamming the door? That door knob was your accomplice.

Door knobs are much more interesting than you think. I say this not only as a door knob user, but also as a drop-out from “professional workforce”. If a Human Resources Expert was to read my resume, he (or she) would deem me an abject failure. And in all fairness, I probably am. I, on the other hand, see it as ten (plus years) of wage slavery with a hefty helping of Schadenfreude (READ: blue chip cocktail party material) to assuage the pain of underemployment.

Which brings me back to door knobs.

At one point in my less than stellar career I worked as a Receptionist for a state agency that worked with victims of violent crime. The function of this entity was to give money to (uninsured) victims of violent crime to cover medical bills, “rape kits”, funerals, etc.

If you want to delve into humanity at its absolute worst a state crime victim’s board is the place to see it. If you can imagine it, I can assure you somebody has already done it. In the most vile and disgusting fashion possible. As a Receptionist I not only had to field calls from a lot of angry people wanting to know if/when their money (for example) their child’s anti-depressants will come (because the board had a backlog), but I also had to deal with a very dysfunctional staff. In other words it was the kind of job that made you want to go home and empty your liquor cabinet. EVERY NIGHT.

Nonetheless my lowly sinecure was darkly amusing at times.

CASE IN POINT

One of my (numerous) responsibilities was filing “crime blotter” clippings. One day I came across a gem and decided to bring it to the attention of one of my co-workers.

Miss H: Get a load of this. Some guy died of metallic poisoning. He had nuts and bolts in his stomach and a door knob shoved up his ass. The police called it a suicide*.

Caseworker: How old was he?

Miss H: I dunno, not young but not old. 40, I think.

Caseworker: He should have known better.

Miss H: ?

Caseworker: He was old enough to know better than to shove a door knob up his ass.

Not knowing what to make of this I retreated to the sanctity of my desk. I have never seen a door knob the same way since.

That is until last Saturday when I spied this beauty at The Thing.

Needless to say I have made this item my own. Living in an age where cheap and disposable schlockitecture is the norm in my neighborhood (and New York City in general) this is an all too sad reminder of a time when even the lowliest fixtures of a public institution were made to please the eye.

Barack Obama speaks of the audacity of hope. I wish to make a case for the audacity of beauty. Is this, for the best city on earth, too much to ask?

Miss Heather

P.S.: I wanted to install this fixture on our front door but it won’t fit. But being under 40 I can, with peace of mind, put it to a more nefarious use.

*It was later ruled a homicide. Duh.

Bike Fetish Day 2008

May 10, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People, Williamsburg 

Today after getting off work I decided to go for a stroll. Much to my surprise (and good fortune) I stumbled upon the Bike Fetish Day festivities in full swing!

This is the winner for “Ugliest Bike”. I for one do not see what is so ugly about it. I think it is pretty damned cool!

For more pictures and video footage of Bicycle Fetish Day, check out my flickr and YouTube sets. Be sure to check out who won “Best Of Show” as it made me want to gouge my eyes (and ovaries) out.*

Miss Heather

*As I was trying to film this event (while seated on the street) this man’s son kept using my head as a place to lean on. Twice I had to remove this houseape’s arm/body from my head. Having to supervise another person’s offspring makes me more than a little testy. Hillary Clinton once said:

It takes a village to raise a child.

This may very well be so. But speaking as one such “villager” I am none too fond of this arrangement. I am all for free childcare, I just don’t want to be the person providing it.

The Greenpoint Hotel Goes Upscale!

April 24, 2008 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

I have written much about this institution. When I first moved to Greenpoint I had the dubious honor of living around the corner from this den of iniquity. I quickly became acclimatized to having crack heads, derelicts, ex-cons and register sex offenders as neighbors. Police raids became routine, e.g.; buy groceries, run laundry, watch 20+ policemen (and women) raid the Greenpoint Hotel.

I have since moved on, but nothing— and I mean NOTHING— prepared me for the email I received last night.

Laura: Hi Heather! I thought you’d get a kick out of this. The Greenpoint Hotel has a website that boasts of its “luxury suites”.

Miss H: Seriously, this isn’t a joke?

Laura: My personal favorite is that they refer to it as a “bed & breakfast”. I guess it’s the place to be!

Miss H: Mary, Jesus and Joseph— and I am not even CATHOLIC!!!

Laura: I so thought this was up your alley! Enjoy!

This institution got hit with a Stop Work Order after one patron partaking of said “comfortable accommodations” set his mattress on fire and was found frolicking in his own feces last February.

Before being hauled off to Bellevue, he assaulted a police officer! Keith Moon, eat you heart out! Hilarious hoax or wishful thinking? Check out their web site and* decide for yourself!

Miss Heather

*This delightful article from the New York Times.

Go Go Greenpoint!

February 26, 2008 ·
Filed under: Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

As I was coming home from doing a little grocery shopping this morning I picked up a copy of the Greenpoint Courier. Boy, am I glad I did. Not only did our former porter make it to the paper, but he got top billing to boot!

Greenpoint Courier, 2/22/08

In the crime blotter, that is. Current and soon-to-be Green Street residents (you hear me out there, 110 Green?) will be pleased to know that Mr. Castano (presumably sans the aforementioned alleged “metal object”) is out of the hoosegow and has resumed loitering at the above-mentioned intersection.

It just goes to show that Greenpoint is indeed gentrifying at an alarming rate: just a few years ago we could only afford to punch people with empty fists.

Miss Heather

P.S.: A New York Shitty reader and commenter, Donjii, just brought this gem from Metro New York to my attention.

Burning incense was singeing the bedsheets, he said. “There was feces all over him, and he started fighting me”

You can always count on the good ol’ Greenpoint Hotel to keep it real in the Garden Spot!

  • NYS Flickr Pool

    DissociationMalevolent and asking for donations20241031_095113Hudson Yards  EDGELooking east-Northern view.Thompson and Broome Streets
  • Ads