Bed-Stuy Pay Phone du Jour: Putnam Avenue

In other real estate-related news, there’s a rather nice corner lot for sale at the intersection of Putnam and Patchen Avenue in Bedford Stuyvesant.

I don’t know what the asking price is but I suspect cell phone owners need only inquire.

A taste for energy drinks is also a big plus. Damn.

Miss Heather

Bed-Stuy Photo du Jour: Lost on Madison Street

Recently Larry da Junkman, a few customers and I had a discussion about geography at the junk shop. More specifically, we were marveling over the fact that (purportedly) one in five Americans cannot find the United States on a map. The Miss Teen USA contestant from South Carolina’s take on this damning statistic is already well known. Mine, however, is not. Here it is:

Most people can’t find their ass with both hands. Expecting them to comprehend a map is hopeless.

Of all the natural resources America has at its disposal I am shocked and amazed we have ignored the largest: the seemingly endless number of incredibly stupid and uneducated people who populate our landscape. Right now these people hold jobs (like President) which are completely unsuitable for their unique skill set.

In the Middle Ages every village had its idiot. These hardworking individuals provided the community with no end of mirth. What I propose is that this vital sinecure not only be revived (we need all the laughs we can get nowadays), but we provide our newly-appointed jesters a little assistance getting around.

Nice big signs with nice large text… perfect! Who would bother with a map when he (or she) can use this handy helper instead?

Need to get to Switzerland? No problem: turn left after you reach Korea.

Miss Heather

The Churches Of Bedford Stuyvesant

Although it is common knowledge to many, I have to say that one cannot grasp the sheer number of churches that grace Bed-Stuy without going there in person. I have seen as many as five on one block. Pretty amazing stuff, seriously. Last weekend the spirit moved me to review and select my church of choice. Here are my three finalists:

The terra cotta tile work on this (formerly) Catholic Church is absolutely beautiful, but I have never been big on gaunt, wide-eyed saints looking imploringly up at the sky. They give me the creeps.

We’re getting a little warmer with this one, but I suspect I would have a very difficult time keeping a straight face whenever Ms. Bowels is called to the pulpit. Yeah, I’m immature. Sue me.

NOW THIS IS MORE LIKE IT!!! Any church whose Baptismal font is a toilet is my kind of place! I do not recall what the name of this establishment is (Church of the Immaculate Excretion?) but I am headed down there right now to make sure I have a front row seat for their next christening.

Miss Heather

Bluntiquette in Bed-Stuy

Since Amy Vanderbilt published her Complete Book of Etiquette in 1952 the world has become a curiously more complicated place. Antiquated or not, I actually possess this book. Not so much for the advice (the contents would be wasted on most people I interface with anyway) but for the illustrations: they were drawn by none other than Andrew Warhol.

Given the oppressive time she lived in, Amy was pretty progressive. She was once quoted as saying:

The modern rule is that every woman should be her own chaperone.

I cannot agree more. It has been my experience that when left alone I find myself in a lot less troublesome situations than when I have a man in tow. But that’s another story.

Being the forward-thinking woman Miss Vanderbilt was, I suspect she would whole-heartedly sanction the following piece of “bluntiquette” I found at 184 Van Buren Street Sunday.

I am a journalist in the field of etiquette. I try to find out what the most genteel people regularly do, what traditions they have discarded, what compromises they have made.

In the spirit of such compromise Bed-Stuy blunt aficionados please dispose of your “reefer cigar leaves” in the appropriate place: in the garbage or on your (own) sidewalk.

Good manners have much to do with the emotions. To make them ring true, one must feel them, not merely exhibit them.

Miss Heather

Amy Vanderbilt Photo Credit: Encyclopedia Brittanica Online via Cooked Books.

Bed-Stuy Photo du Jour: Lafayette Street

Last week I shared with you, dear readers, what is in my opinion one of the ugliest and most oppressive “homes” I have ever seen. How the neighbors of this eyesore cope with having to look at this depressing monolith every day is beyond me. But I have a creeping suspicion they might be getting a little help from upstairs.

Or would that be downstairs and down the block? In any case it just goes to show how amazingly convenient a place New York City is. Anything a person could possibly desire can be delivered right to his (or her) doorstep: furniture, groceries and— as the numerous shopping carts in the above photograph attest— souls.

Hallelujah!

Miss Heather

The Bicycles of Bedford-Stuyvesant

Anyone who has lived in New York City for any appreciable period of time can attest that bicycle theft is a serious problem. Stealing and reselling bikes is a cottage industry in Greenpoint, and there has yet to be an anti-theft device invented by man that will deter would-be thieves from filching any and all ten speeds that tickle their fancy.

As morally repugnant as their choice of profession may be, I really have to hand it to these folks: the inventiveness and tenacity they employ is downright admirable. If this energy and brain power was properly harnessed, these petty criminals would be world leaders and Nobel prize winners. But they aren’t and so the age old question goes: how can we ultimately stop bike theft? I suppose only time will tell, but I suspect the people of Bed-Stuy may very well have found the answer: build a better bicycle.

This three wheeler hails from Lewis Avenue. I do not know how the owner managed to secure it to the light pole, but I imagine anyone trying to remove it will get a concussion or a broken arm as a reward for his efforts.

Of course invoking grievous bodily harm may not be everyone’s cup of tea. In which case confusion will probably suffice. “So this would-be thief wants some wheels?” this denizen of Bed-Stuy asked himself. Well, why not give them to him? A LOT OF WHEELS: bicycle wheels, wheel chairs, and the like will keep your klepto busy disentangling his new prize until the police show up.

Brilliant. Simply brilliant. But I have come to expect as much from my friends in this much-maligned and underrated neighborhood.

Bravo, Bed-Stuy! Bravo!

Miss Heather

Sith in the Stuy

I was once of the opinion that Williamsburg and Greenpoint had a monopoly when it comes to aesthetically bankrupt, oppressive and soul-crushing architecture. Then I walked down Lafayette street in Bedford-Stuyvesant and learned how very wrong I was.

For the last week I couldn’t shake the feeling that this building reminded me of something. Something very, very familiar. Call it a “tremor in the Force” if you will. When I awoke this morning it finally came to me.

This is no mere piece of schlockitecture, it’s the Dark Side Mews! Don’t believe me? Just look what Darth has done to the house across the street.

Damn.

Miss Heather

Bed-Stuy Photo du Jour: Super Tuesday Style

From a mailbox on Willoughby Avenue.

Miss Heather