157 Green Street: Fedderized!

I have been remiss in sharing the following masterpiece with you, dear readers. Thankfully, the international coalition of imbeciles working on the facade of said property Thursday night (they were cutting marble with a saw) was just the reminder I needed!

Question: What happens when an otherwise unremarkable four story building on a less than spectacular block is sold to someone with a lot of money and no taste whatsoever?

It gets Fedderized, that’s what! Over the last year I have watched (and listened to) this building evolve from a mildly tatty, but more or less intact four story tenement to the poster child for the prevention of Fedderization. Let’s take a closer look at its, a-hem, amenities, shall we?

1. A front door better suited to grace the entrance of a topless bar.

In keeping with the class the aforementioned adult establishments exude, the first floor of this building is sheathed in…

2. black marble. Wow, it really spices up this frumpy chateau! So much so you can barely notice…

3. the rolling steel door to the right. Why can I not shake the feeling that some wise guy got whacked behind one of these doors? Is it the marble? The garish chrome entranceway? The rolling shutters? Or…

4. the two tone institutional gray stucco juxtaposed with a baby shit beige fire escape?

I just can’t pin it down. Regardless, I think this building should win a Lifetime Achievement Award and be inducted into the Fedderist Hall of Fame. Ordinarily one would have to schlep all the way out to Flushing to see a building this ugly.

Mazel tov!

Miss Heather

154 West Street Revisited

Wishing to enjoy this weekend’s unseasonably warm weather, I decided to go for a walk. Uncharacteristically, my husband said he wanted to join me. I advised him that I was going to a bunch of places he didn’t care for (clothes shopping), but he insisted upon tagging along anyway. So off we went— with the usual detour or four so as to check out some of the more hideous development “projects” which pock my neighborhood.

I hadn’t checked in on 154 West Street in awhile, so we swung by to see how they were progressing. True to form, there was some kind of activity going on inside. Exactly what it was, I do not know.

As you can see, the Fedderization process is almost complete. I for one find the addition of faux period detailing charming, especially since it is not in proper proportion to the rest of the building. Sadly, the owner went with brown stucco. While in keeping with my prognostication that stucco will supplant vinyl siding in the Garden Spot, it would have been nice if he had opted for a different color. Pink, orange or mint green would have been nice. West Street has enough “brown” as is. Most of it resides on the sidewalk and is of canine origin.

Next, I spied a stray cat through a hole in the fence on the adjacent lot. I like cats, so I took a peek. That’s when I found this.

I have seen the workers jettison garbage onto this lot on more than one occasion. That said, I was still surprised by how much of it has accumulated. Too bad the entity owns the adjacent parcel of property appears to have abandoned it. There are few things I like more than watching two developers having a litigation slug-fest.

As my husband and I were preparing to depart, were heard a man shout:

You taking pictures of my building?

It was the owner of 154 West Street. He was not at all upset, if anything he seemed to be amused. This is sort of ironic given I found something very amusing about his building. It was the placement of the air conditioner boxes he saw fit to install.

Think about it for a minute: if this building is like many others in Greenpoint (and New York City), the lot for 154 West Street ends at the above wall. If this is true, those A/C boxes are on 150 West Street’s property. Wouldn’t be fun if the owner of 150 finally found the wherewithal to do something with this rather sizable and prime piece of real estate? If he (or she) did, his neighbor to the north would be a prime candidate for a triple Fedderdectomy.

Miss Heather

37 North Henry Street

I have cornered “The Worst Buildings of NYC” flickr pool as of the writing of this post. Leonard Lopate had no idea what Pandora’s box he opened when he (or more likely, his staff) solicited photographs of ugly buildings. “You want ugly?” I thought to myself.

I’ll show you ugly!

This was no idle threat: it was a promise. One I am still endeavoring to complete.

The Garden Spot is filled with eyesores development. Real estate shills like to call it gentrification. I call it horse shit.

This is 37 North Henry Street. It is also one of the ugliest pieces of pre-fab shit progress I have ever seen.

Wednesday evening I spoke with a “student” from Columbia University*. He wanted to hear my take on the upcoming Greenpoint Library fund raiser and local “art community”. One of his questions was:

Describe your history as an artist. Is it your profession? Do you make stuff just (for) yourself, family and friends?

Questions like the previous make me stop and take a deep breath. Inasmuch as I like helping students with their projects (and believe you me I felt like the subject of an experiment: gentrification vivisection), his choice of words pissed me off.

My answer:

I am a third generation artist. My mother is a painter; her aunt (my great aunt) was a painter. She’s dead now— my great aunt that is. Both were/are college-educated in this craft. I am not a painter, though I got my BFA is in painting. Magna cum laude, no less. I received my MFA in Sculpture at Parsons School of Design.

I do not make stuff for myself, family and friends. Well, I make stuff for myself sometimes— but I have no interest in galleries whatsoever (they’re no different than temp agencies, real estate brokers or pimps in my book). I am more interested in forcing people to think. And I do— usually without even trying. Which brings me back to above-mentioned turd.

As a sculptress (and Notary Public!) I do not profess to know the vagaries of architecture (or FAR), but I do have a grasp of design principles and three dimensional reasoning. The architect responsible for 37 North Henry clearly does not.

Describe your history as an architect Anthony Cucich? Is it your profession? Do you make Fedders Friedrich Specials for yourself, family and friends? Inquiring minds want to know!

In any case, your craptacular building (located just off the BQE) also offers scenic views of the Kosciuszko Bridge and auto emissions for one’s olfactory pleasure! Only two units left folks, move right in! To repeat myself, this “builders closeout” is one of the aesthetically unappealing pieces of shit buildings I have seen erected in Greenpoint. Ever. This is no small accomplishment.

Mazel Tov!

Miss Heather

*The same guy who wrote this. A week after I posted this. The only good thing about this situation I can think of is at least the de Give got a nice chunk of publicity. Otherwise, I’m glad to see a newbie journo (whose cell phone number is from Minnesota) is doing his homework, e.g.; trolling blogs and tendering his findings to The Brooklyn Paper.

Describe your history as an newspaper? Is it your profession? Or do you just crib from local yokels (and that is clearly what you thought I was) for yourself, family and friends?

Just curious.

If the opportunity afforded itself, I’d use The Brooklyn Paper as stationery. I would pretend to be a journalist and my asshole would be the pen (not unlike most of the people employed at the previously-mentioned periodical). But alas, the inferior quality of this paper irritates my rectum.

I line my cat boxes and junk folder with ’em instead. Although I never signed up for it, I get Brooklyn Paper spam regularly nowadays. Thank you for wasting my time, memory and intelligence.