Crosstown Local Videos Du Jour: Audience Participation Time!

May 21, 2009 ·
Filed under: Advanced Life Forms, Crosstown Local, Williamsburg 

What do you get when you take a young man singing at the Smith – 9th platform of the G, add one VERY IRATE woman tired of listening to him and toss in a drunk Polish dude for good measure? Hilarity! That’s what!

Okay, so we have established this woman is not a big fan of this crooner. No worries, a man on the Court Square bound platform is! Be sure to listen very carefully for when she offers to buy this gent a beer if he’ll jump on the subway tracks: priceless.

The previous footage was shot May 20, 2009 at 10:20 p.m. I probably speak for many who witnessed this chain of events last night (and there were MANY. Waiting. For the G.) when I say this is the best entertainment I have ever received for $2.00. Hell, it’s a bargain at twice the price! Which, knowing the MTA, will come to pass soon enough.

Miss Heather

Notes From The 94th Precinct Community Council Meeting

May 19, 2009 ·
Filed under: Advanced Life Forms, Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

commcouncil

Last night’s meeting of the 94th Precinct Community Council was, curiously enough, not very well attended. This certainly came as a surprise to yours truly as I thought a woman being struck and killed by a stolen car would elicit more interest in our community. Go figure.

Regardless of turnout there were plenty items of interest brought up at this forum as you will see in the following video footage. For the sake of brevity (hey, I like a break from ye olde keyboard as much— probably more— than anyone reading this) I have embedded my You Tube footage below along with a synopsis for each segment. Before we get to them here are some facts/observations from this meeting which merit mention:

1. Per D.I. Fulton although crime is (still) “down” overall compared to last year grand larceny auto, burglaries (13) and robberies (7) are up. The car of choice for auto thieves here seems to be the good ol’ reliable Honda Civic. On the burglary front, the police recently made two separate arrests of four suspected thieves.

2. Per D.I. Fulton traffic accidents are— believe it or not— down (47).

3. Now that the weather is getting warmer we were admonished to exercise caution when wearing jewelry in public, watch our personal belongings (especially hand bags, credit cards and i-Pods) and be hyper vigilant about destroying any and all financial records before placing them in the trash for pick-up.

4. On the subject of Violetta Kryrzak’s death:

  • Although he expressed his condolences to her family numerous times during the course of the discussion the overall perception of  people present was that D.I. Fulton’s recitation of the events leading up to Violetta Kryrzak’s death did not “jibe” with other accounts from those who had witnessed the event. For example:
  • D.I. Fulton claimed there was “no pursuit”. Rather, two officers on patrol noticed the minivan driving erratically at Frost Street and Graham Avenue. It was ascertained the vehicle was stolen and the man took off. The police followed him.
  • For those of you who are wondering, the distance between where this man was allegedly spotted and where Mrs. Kryrzak was hit is 1.2 miles.
  • When queried about whether or not there was any “back and forth” between the squad car and police headquarters P.I. Fulton said there was. Apparently a number of higher-ups were aware of the situation.
  • D.I. Fulton made it clear the police did not follow the stolen vehicle all the way up to Dupont Street. One person present contested this although the accounts I have heard bear Fulton out: the police stopped following the car once Mrs. Kryrzak was hit.

5. On the subject of the Abundant Life Assembly incident D.I. Fulton professed no knowledge.

6. I found two Williamsburger’s firsthand accounts of drug overdoses (in one case finding a man with a needle stuck in his arm in the bathroom of the pizzeria across the street from Oasis) and squatting in the Northside particularly troubling.

7. On a lighter note: You wanna know what really pisses one Greenpoint citizen off? No, it ain’t Mister Softeeit’s honking school buses! I strongly advise each and every person reading this to watch this touching and piquant testament to democracy in action. Sure, our system may be obtuse. Some would go so far as to even say it’s downright dysfunctional. But that doesn’t mean it cannot be fun on occasion!

Without further ado here are the videos!

PART I: In this segment D.I. Fulton gives a general run down of the crime stats for the last 28 days and a discussion ensues about honking school buses (Be sure to watch this one to the end kids, you will not be disappointed!)

Well. Who can argue with that?

Yeah, I posted this before. I really like the movie Blazing Saddles. Is this a crime? What’s more what we beheld at last night’s meeting was genuine Greenpoint gibberish.

PART II: After D.I. Fulton (and everyone present) took a moment to absorb the previous rant about honking buses a discussion about the circumstances leading up to Violetta Kryrzak’s death commenced. First we get Fulton’s take.

PART III: A continuation of the discussion about the circumstances leading up to Violetta Kryrzak’s death and truck traffic.

PART IV: Junkies and Squatters at North 7th and Bedford.

PART V: Bikes attached to street signs, car services honking their horns at 3:00 a.m.

All things said and done I suspect I speak for many present when I say I came away from this meeting with more questions than answers. You can (and should) read Graham T. Beck’s take on this meeting over at Streetsblog.

Miss Heather

From The New York Shitty Inbox: On The Fence

May 17, 2009 ·
Filed under: Advanced Life Forms, Queens 

Last week I was interviewed by a reporter. One of the topics we discussed was this web site, why I started it, why I keep doing it and so forth. Something I mentioned during the course of our conversation was how my readership had an uncanny way of perking me up when I am feeling blue. Rarely has a truly shitty day gone by that I haven’t find some choice item in my inbox awaiting my delectation. Yesterday was no exception.

Saturday, May 16, 2009 was a very lively day at Chez Shitty. The day’s events included:

A. Our oldest cat pissing on my leg. In bed. Thus saturating our bedding with pee.

B. Bearing witness to one of the most racist and foul-mouthed old Polish ladies to ever darken the doorstep of the junk shop. If this shrew is reading this (e.g.; taking a break from sucking the breath out of babies) calling the President of our Country the N word is frowned upon in some social circles. Even if and/or especially when it comes from some daft old bat who looks like a cross between Bette Davis in Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? and Don King.

C. Coming home from work to find our bathroom ceiling ripped open again and to learn:

  1. We have no water whatsoever— zero—zippo—none.
  2. We have living rats in our bathroom ceiling. And per the plumber one of them is a nasty bugger. He said and I quote:

If that rat bites me and I’m gonna him back.

They grow  ’em tough in the Bronx. But I digress.

Somewhere between saying “hi” to my rodent roommates (and then commencing to demand rent from them— LOUDLY— much to the plumber’s amusement) and being urinated upon I checked my email. One was from my good friend Crappy in Queens. The message was entitled “On The Fence” and it read as follows:

This was taken outside Grover Cleveland High School.

Attached were two jpgs. Here they are.

clevelandpad1nys

clevelandpad2nys

Sure, this feminine hygiene product isn’t used. But remember what your mom always told you when you got some crappy ass present like socks or footie pajamas*:

It’s the thought that counts.

Miss Heather

*Which I once received from my grandmother for Christmas. They had Strawberry Shortcake on them. I was 18 years old.

Greenpoint Is For Art Lovers

May 15, 2009 ·
Filed under: Advanced Life Forms, Greenpoint Magic 

Every world class city has an art museum. Paris has the Louvre. London has The Victoria & Albert Museum, Moscow has the Pushkin. Our own fair city has the Guggenheim, MOMA, the Whitney and numerous others. I imagine all the previous are nice enough (not that I would know from personal experience: I have not been overseas since I was nine years old), but there’s something about the white walls and museum guards that make me feel less than welcome.

For this reason and many more (as you will see) I am very proud to announce that Greenpoint— yes, the Garden Spot of the Universe— too has its own museum and the co-proprietors will make you feel right at home! Where is this hitherto unknown oasis of culture, you ask?

pencilfactory

This Pompidou for the people is located at 61 Greenpoint Avenue (AKA: our very beloved Pencil Factory)! Let’s take a peek inside, shall we?

dolls

This installation is what first caught my eye. Immediately after I took the above photograph the co-docents eagerly rushed in to explain to me the purpose/provenance of their collection: it is all stuff they found on the street. Noting my interest on the mummified doll second from the right one of the guys offered to let me have it. I declined, as I felt its absence would diminish the overall je nais sais quoi of this installation.

wallofart

To my educated eye what these guys have going is a lot more than mere chock a block collection of urban detritus. The real genius lies in how our co-curators (who I presume to be co-managers of the freight elevator) put this show together.

liljon

L’il Jon juxtaposed with a mass-produced print of a lion to which someone has added the inscription:

I love animals.

jsimpson

Babes: deconstructed.

ducks

After I took the above photograph one of the gentleman pointed out to me that the women in the bottom left hand photograph are drunk. I joked to him that if these lasses weren’t at the time this picture was taken they probably were shortly thereafter. He found this very amusing.

ilovemoney

Landscapes, still lives, paint by numbers, abstracts and of course…

booty

another scantily clad woman.

elevator

This Paul Richard hangs in the elevator across from…

harwood

a woman wearing a head brace and yet more scantily clad women. I imagine at this point the more humorless feminists reading this are getting into a tizzy. No worries, these guys have something for everyone.

lights

These lights were rather nice.

chickens

This chicken was hands-down one of my faves. Note the artful placement of two red feathers!

mary1

And who in their right mind could object to this portrait of the virgin Mary?

mjackson

Especially when juxtaposed with the King of Pop, Jesus Juice and Bubbles the Chimp!

tigger

They have Piglet, Tigger and Winnie the Pooh too!

nyc

I give this collection— which hails from the freight entrance of the Eberhard Faber Pencil Factory and which I have christened the Greenpoint Museum of Art— two enthusiastic thumbs up! Bravo, guys!

Miss Heather

More People In My Neighborhood: Springtime Edition

May 7, 2009 ·
Filed under: Advanced Life Forms, Greenpoint Magic 

Now that the family has come and gone I am left with the daunting task of sorting all the photographs I have taken over the last week. Follows are a few select shots of my fellow Greenpointers. Enjoy!

grannyongreenpoint

A Greenpoint Avenue grandma for lunch.

herion

Nodding off in front of Mickey D’s.

gg

Waiting for the bus with a smile and a song!

roverbarrellove

Love, Kent Street style.

naptimeatjava

Nap time at Java Car Service.

tommystavern

Picking a winner at Tommy’s Tavern.

dupontstlove

Grabbing a handful at Dupont Street.

Miss Heather

From The New York Shitty Inbox: Greenpoint Orcs?

May 4, 2009 ·
Filed under: Advanced Life Forms, Greenpoint Magic 

103normanavegillespie

117nassaugillespie

Kevin Gillespie (the person who shot the above photographs) writes (in an email entitled elves and orcs on eckford and leonard):

hey miss heather, i think we’re about to be thrust in the middle of some kind of ancient battle of monsters and magic folk… or just an itchy case of dork-rash.  some uh– person– is tagging in what looks like elvish.  i found the first set on leonard and norman and the second on eckford and nassau. i would have translated these myself with the power of the internet but im a 31 year old man.

Indeed. If anyone out there is up to translating the above missives please leave your findings in the comments. Inquiring Greenpoint humans want to know!

Miss Heather

UPDATE, 5:54 p.m.: Here are two more examples of this mystery writing courtesy of Bitchcakes (see comments).

mariasdeli

garagedoor

New York Shitty Day Ender: The S & J Supply Marketing Strategy

April 22, 2009 ·
Filed under: Advanced Life Forms, Williamsburg 

When it comes to advertising the marketing wizards in our fair city seem to think bigger (and louder) is better. I could not disagree more. I have been deluged with enough jumbotrons advertising anything from booze to Hollywood’s latest craptastic opus to build up a certain level of resistance. Not unlike smallpox. If anyone in the advertising profession is reading this please take note:

  • Going “bigger” in my mindset only shows a woeful lack of imagination on your part.
  • Going “bigger” only makes me take note NOT to purchase the product you are shilling.
  • Simply put, getting “in my face” only pisses me off.
  • But a hand-written note on a humble piece of office paper asks me to get my face into something the ploy works smashingly.

CASE IN POINT: S & J Supply/Show Room on Union Avenue, Brooklyn 11211

sjsupply

As you can see there is no clear-cut indication as to what kind of wares this business is hawking.

lookforsavings

But when confronted with marketing genius like the above I want to find out! Is this not the purpose of advertising? To pique a person’s curiosity?

Fuck Home Depot or Ace Hardware and their over-paid spin doctors! The next time I need a circular sander or the odd drill bit I’m going to S & J.

End.

Of.

Story.

Miss Heather

2009 Robot Monkey World Chimpionship: And The Winner Is…

April 19, 2009 ·
Filed under: Advanced Life Forms, Culture War, Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

Number 9.

Man oh Manischewitz was the Williamsburg versus Greenpoint robot battle fierce last night! Greenpoint’s very own Dandelion Wine* made it to the quarter finals but alas 11211 prevailed. Follows is a slide show of the event for your Sunday morning entertainment. Enjoy!

More video footage will be  forthcoming later today— because you know what they say:

It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.

And let’s just say the game was played very interestingly.

Miss Heather

*Who will be featured in today’s New York Times. Mazel Tov!

P.S.: In somewhat-related news those of you who have been wondering what’s up with this lot next door to t.b.d.

lotforleasenys

It is no longer available. The owner of t.b.d signed a lease two weeks ago and they are creating an outdoor garden/annex. I have it per a very reliable source it will be up and running Memorial Day weekend. So mark your calendar!

Crosstown Local Photo Du Jour: Total Consciousness

April 6, 2009 ·
Filed under: Advanced Life Forms, Crosstown Local, Greenpoint Magic 

In all my years of patronizing the G train I have seen a lot of shit. You name it and chances are I’ve probably seen, heard, touched, smelled— and yes— tasted it at some time or another. For better or worse, the Crosstown Local is a feast for all five senses— and probably a few more. I have grown to accept this fact and find it quite endearing to be perfectly frank. The previous having been said once in a very blue moon I will encounter something that confounds even me. Tonight I had one such experience.

photosynthesisnys

To truly appreciate this product of enlightened thought* click on the above image and peruse a larger photograph of the rather amazing revelation some anonymous (but very talented nonetheless) subway goer had while waiting for the “Gee, where the hell is it?” train. I’m guessing he (or she) had a lot of time on her hands to execute a master work of this caliber. This is hardly surprising.

I suppose you could also head to the Smith – 9th bound platform at Greenpoint Avenue and see it in person. Whichever best suits your time/space equilibrium. Either way it is time (and/or a Metrocard swipe) well spent.

Gunga Galunga…

Miss Heather

*And given the fact this missive is on an advertisement for Dunkin Donuts, probably some blue chip sensimilla.

Williamsburg Photo Du Jour: Metropolitan Avenue

April 6, 2009 ·
Filed under: Advanced Life Forms, Street Art, Williamsburg 

tunnel

Another day, another tree twat. That’s life in the wacky 11211 for ya!

Miss Heather

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