Greenpoint
Lorven Pharmacy
Culture on the Cheap
Williamsburg Photo du Jour: Monday Afternoon On Bedford Avenue
As the delay in today’s postage probably indicates, I spent this downright gorgeous day outdoors. Days such as this are— in my humble opinion— best spent pounding the pavement of north Brooklyn, not in front of a computer monitor.
Or, as I learned from Kenneth, donning your best dress, heading to the intersection of North 7 Street and Bedford Avenue to knock back 40s and hand out roses to female passerby. I sat down with Kenneth for a few minutes to hear his story. Here it is.
Kenneth resides in Manhattan but after spending a week in rehab decided to come back to the “old hood” to clear his head and drink beer. I’m not too certain if Williamsburg is the ideal location to do such a thing, but who am I to argue? Kenneth was clearly happy, if a bit soused. He said:
Someone my age, FIVE TWO, should probably be doing something better with his time…
I vehemently disagreed.
After all that awful weather we had the sun is out! Why not spread a little sunshine of your own? I’m out taking a walk and you’re hanging out here handing out roses. Who am I to judge?
I like sitting here. They’ll probably make me move soon. I better buy another beer.
He replied and then proceeded to offer a solitary red rose to on old Polish lady passing by:
Will you marry me?
He exclaimed, much to her disgust. (Yeah, I know it’s wrong but I had to chuckle.) Upon noticing this act earned him a glare from an employee of the N7 Market, Kenneth added:
I LOVE Hispanic men!
This outburst had the desired effect: the employee in question quickly went back into his place of employment. It was then that Kenneth offered me a rose. I declined at first. But he insisted:
I have to buy more anyway.
So I took it, thanked him and went on my way. Thank you, Kenneth. Making your acquaintance made my day!
Your lovely gift now graces my desk. It numbers among my most cherished possessions. I made sure to put it next to Mister Heather’s blood pressure medication so he will notice.
(Hey, I might be married but it’s nice to be reminded I still have “prospects”!)
Miss Heather
UPDATE 6:54, p.m.: as I calculated the Mister arrived home and noticed my gift!
The Mister: Where did the rose come from?
Me: A 52 year old man in a dress on Bedford Avenue gave it to me.
T.M.: That’s good. (Then he wandered off to the kitchen to make a cocktail.)
Subway Photo du Jour: Myrtle Avenue Bound
This goes out to my new friend Nick. Not only was it a pleasure making your acquaintance on the L train this afternoon but you can rest assured if I ever find myself in need of a package tour to Puerto Rico you will be the first person I call!
Miss Heather
Greenpoint De-gentrification Watch: Six of Spades
Filed under: 11222, Advanced Life Forms, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic
Today I walked to the junk shop with a pervasive sense of dread. Larry da Junkman needed to run an errand and I was to preside over the establishment for a little while. This does not happen very often, but I have been “manager” there enough times to know something really weird will happen. This neighborhood’s more— how should we say— special denizens seem to have a sixth sense as to when I will be the ringleader of the circus that is 1001 Manhattan Avenue. Not unlike cicadas they spend most of their time in a dormant state. That, is until I am left to manage the store. Then it’s time to spring forth from their little chrysalises and herald the coming of Greenpoint glory to yours truly. Today was no exception.
Shortly after concluding a spirited debate about Greenpoint gentrification with my co-worker John (he said Greenpoint has lost its magic)Â and I (who vehemently disagreed) were greeted by a rather jovial old fellow. He asked John if he “worked here” and John said “yes”. That was easy enough; the stereo was playing bluegrass and everything seemed to be alright in the Garden Spot of the Universe. Seemed. Then this chap started tap dancing. Being amused (because it was amusing) we laughed and went back to work. And he went back to shopping.
It didn’t take this man (who I have named Mr. Six of Spades) long to find what he was looking for: a solitary nudie playing card. The six of spades. It was not a cutesy one like the one gracing this post. This one was of Russian origin and, um, more “explicit”. Someone had inscribed “To Max” on the back in ball point pen. He must have been a very special guy to deserve this.
How much this?
Mister Six asked. I, throwing etiquette aside, answered a question with a question:
You want to buy this playing card?
Mister Six answered to the affirmative and I called John over:
You’re a man, what’s the price for one naked lady playing card?
He gave me a WTF look and said:
Twenty five cents.
Mister Six rummages through his pocket and pulls out (I am not making this up): two pennies and a button. This was his “counter-offer”. I stood firm:
Listen, this card is 25 cents. That’s a bargain. We charge a dollar for the trumps.
With this, lo and behold, a crisp new dollar came out of his pocket! I made change and with a “god bless you” Mister Six of Spades was on his way to, I would presume, enjoy an evening of solitaire.
That, John…
I said pointing at the front door. He nodded.
…is why Greenpoint will NEVER be Park Slope.
We spent the next five minutes working in silence trying to comprehend what the fuck just happened.
Miss Heather
A Gift From Rachael: Welcome To Williamsburg
Filed under: 11211, Advanced Life Forms, Urban Artifact, Williamsburg, Williamsburg Brooklyn
Last week I finally met up with my buddy Rachael. This does not happen very often as she is a bartender and such she keeps vampire hours. Nonetheless when we do get together she always has interesting stories to tell. This time was no exception. What’s more, she found something she thought I would find of interest. I did.
Something bearing a resemblance to Bigfoot (or would that be Sasquatch or a Yeti? NOTE: you can view this in larger format by clicking on the above image) getting ready to take a ride on the L train. I’m not terribly certain what this is supposed to mean but I do take issue with the choice of subway lines: we all know Bigfoot rides the G.
Miss Heather
P.S.: Ever wondered what a unicorn would look like with a pair of woman’s breasts? Look no further. Rachael’s got you covered. Why?
From The New York Shitty Inbox: Hey Ladies!
Christina writes (in an email entitled “An Offer You Cannot Refuse”):
Go ahead, admit it…you know you want him!
You know, I have procrastinated coloring my hair because I simply cannot make up my mind. This may very well be the deal maker: clearly blondes do have more fun!* In Harlem, anyway.
Miss Heather
*Or not. It has been brought to my attention that this solicitation has since been annotated.
Why can’t we all just get along?
From The New York Shitty Inbox: The Subaru Dude
Last week the Mister needed a haircut. I accompanied him. As his hairdresser was giving him a trim she asked us if we had ever seen the guy who cruises along Bedford and Driggs Avenue in his SUV singing along to the oldies. We answered to the affirmative (this man is a bit of a local institution). We all agreed that someone should do a documentary about this gent. This morning via my inbox I learned someone has done just this. Russel writes:
hi miss heather,
i recently finished a video profile that documents anthony delia, aka the subaru dude, in williamsburg, bklyn. please check it out here and let me know if it makes the blog! thank you for your time.
Without further ado here is Anthony “Fucking” Delia’s story. Enjoy!
A Place To Be In Harmony from Russel Fong on Vimeo.
A Place To Be In Harmony from russel fong on Vimeo.
Thanks for sharing this great video with us, Russel!
Miss Heather
Greenpoint Video du Jour: Manhattan Avenue Minstrel
Filed under: 11222, Advanced Life Forms, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic
It is moments such as this (READ: 2:10 on a Thursday afternoon) that remind me that I live in a very special place.
Miss Heather
Quicklink: Shit My Dad Says
Filed under: 11222, Advanced Life Forms, Area 51, Greenpoint, Greenpoint Brooklyn, Greenpoint Magic
When I finally crawled out of bed this morning I was already in dire need of a good laugh. The Mister tossed and turned all night and the our little pride was more adamant than usual about getting their morning kibble. Thankfully Jay Lombard (of Unleash Brooklyn/Dog Habitat) brought the above to my attention: shitmydadsays. Here are some highlights:
October 8, 2009:
I wanted to see Detroit win. I’ve been there. It’s like God took a shit on a parking lot. They deserve some good news.
September 27, 2009:
Do these announcers ever shut the fuck up? Don’t ever say stuff just because you think you should. That’s the definition of an asshole.
September 24, 2009:
I’m sitting in one of those TGI Friday’s places, and everyone looks like they want to shove a shotgun in their mouth.
September 23, 2009:
You’re gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it’s not the size of the asshole you worry about, it’s how much shit comes out of it.
September 19, 2009:
Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don’t realize until later that it’s because it fucked you.
Those of you who have a twitter account: click here and enjoy for yourself the many piquant musings of Justin’s dad. I command you. Those of you who do not have a twitter account: get one. This chap is a pisser!
Miss Heather
UPDATE, 10:40 p.m.: You can read a great interview with Justin, the progeny of this great man, by clicking here.
Word Of The Day: Foamer
Per the Urban Dictionary:
A term railroad employees use to describe a railroad enthusiast / railfan and the railfan community at large. Most often used disparagingly. (Engineer to conductor aboard a freight train)
“Man, we got some foamers ahead taking pictures…they need to just get a life and find something to do besides hang around the tracks all day.”
See: Boerum Place; October 4, 2009 at 11:00 a.m.
Miss Heather
New York Shitty Day Ender: A Very Special Employment Opportunity
Filed under: Advanced Life Forms, Area 51, Brooklyn, Manhattan, New York City, Park Slope
The Professor writes:
Hey Heather
I just ran across such a ridiculous Craigslist ad that I thought you might wanna see it. I don’t know that it’s anything you can use for your blog, or whatever, but it’s just such an extensively dumb solicitation that I thought you’d at least get a laugh.
Although, it could be a perfect setup for a big prank…*
Doc writes (in the aforementioned Craigslist advertisement):
Hi. Even for Craig’s List, this is going to be a strange ad. But read on – it’s strange but legit.
I’m a single, straight guy, in my early 40’s, recently moved to NYC, with almost no social circle here (and, even worse, I work on my own). No history of mental illnesss, jail time or listening to country music. Moving to NY has been fantastic, but the one thing is, I have been finding it hard to meet women. So I’m doing the normal, typical, rational thing that any guy in my position would do — I’m looking to hire a female “wingman,” that is, a “wingwoman,” to break the ice for me in social situations.
Strange but true.
This is a real job I’m offering; it’s not a personal ad in disguise, and I’m not a Nigerian scammer or a reality show producer, either. Perhaps more surprisingly, I’m also not a freak, weirdo or serial killer – I am just not good at walking up to a woman I don’t know and getting beyond “Hi” and I want to do something about it. (Basically, I want to avoid this guy’s fate.)
This would be a part-time, occasional gig. Get-togethers would be in Manhattan or Brooklyn; sometimes weekend afternoons, sometimes evenings. (Generally speaking, NOT in bars or nightclubs. I am more of a Brooklyn Flea / The Moth / Big Terrific / Midsummer Night Swing type of guy. This is also my kind of thing.) Probably 2-5 hours per stint. We would only meet in public places and I would pay you ($20/hour) cash.
And you don’t have to be single or even “unattached” to apply – there’s no “hanky panky” involved. (I really don’t care if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend or significant other, as long as that person knows about and is cool with the situation.)
If you want to know more details about the arrangement, check out these articles:
Are You With Him? Why Yes, Want to Date Him?
Wingwomen (8 pages long)…
WOW. I wonder if someone would pay me $20.00 an hour to be a cock blocker or chick repellent. I excel at both. I am a natural. “Doc” has also created a Facebook page which you can peruse by clicking here.
Miss Heather
P.S.: You can read “Doc’s” Craigslist ad in its entirety by clicking here or by clicking on the images below. Either way you’ll notice our man “Doc” is very detail-oriented!
P.S. #2: While I am on the subject of meetings and meat-markets, my good friends at Fucked In Park Slope will be hosting a “Meatup” this Wednesday, September 30th at The Bell House. For more information click here. B.Y.O.W. fellas.
*Or more annoying “viral” advertising.
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