Greenpoint
Lorven Pharmacy
Culture on the Cheap
Black Friday, Brown Saturday
I found this monster shit (of probable humanoid origin) at 953 Manhattan Avenue yesterday afternoon. I placed my cell phone (which measures approximately four inches in length) next to it to provide a sense of scale.
Enjoy!
Miss Heather
My Online Store
Filed under: Area 51
It brings a tear to my eye to know that I live in a country where I am free to market and sell services like this. I am living the American Dream. It almost makes me want to fly out to California and empty Charlton Heston’s bed pan personally. Or something.
On second thought, I think I’ll just have another beer instead.
Miss Heather
I’m Back!
Filed under: Area 51
Words cannot adequately convey* the housing-related hell I have been through the last two weeks. Simply put, one call to 311 regarding unlicensed electrical work precipitated my entire building having neither heat nor hot water for AN ENTIRE WEEK. This whole sordid affair (in which even the NYC Marathon is a player) reached its (il)logical conclusion this week with Brooklyn Borough President Marty Markowitz calling me on my cell phone while I was on the toilet.
John Lennon was quoted as saying “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” My life seems to happen when I’m busy trying to take a shit in the privacy of my own home.
That said, I am (slowly) getting back to giving the scoop on the poop here in New York Shitty. In the meantime, I present the following pithy modification of a New York City Subway poster I spied recently.
Miss Heather
*But I’m gonna give it a shot so help me god. I need to purchase more beer first. Stay Tuned. You will NOT be disappointed.
BEHOLD THE GENIUS
Filed under: Area 51
I am not too certain how I came across this. Just be happy I did.
Miss Heather
A few thoughts about human defecation
Yesterday my pal Judy McGuire featured a rather choice item about a man who is despoiling the British rail system with his rectal ordnance. Apparently he has struck thirty times since August of this year. Impressive.
Granted, this person is engaging in some serious anti-social behavior, but I have to chuckle at the level of seriousness with which our friends ‘across the pond’ are approaching this problem. Not only do those of us who live in New York Shitty accept human defecation in public spaces as an occupational hazard, but we find it downright hilarious under the right circumstances. A few years ago I even wrote a little ditty about a man whose avocation was smearing shit all over the men’s bathroom at my friend’s place of employment.
I can only hope the previous acts were a new manifestion of dialectical materialism the pundits have yet to expound upon.
For the above reasons (and many more) I have decided to officially feature “Bum Shit” on this blog. Greenpoint has staggering amounts of bum poo, which brings me to today’s “Dung of the Day” from 259 Banker Street…
I do not like them on a street called Box.
I do not like them with phat rocks.
I do not like them in my house.
I do not like them with a louse.
I do not like them anywhere.
I do not like bum shit and wipes.
I do not like them, 311 operator (to whom I gripe).*
Miss Heather
*Yes, Doctor Seuss is probably rolling in his grave somewhere.
24 Hours of Separation Between Celebrity and Mediocrity
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic
I have been in a surly mood of late. There are numerous reasons for this and I care not to bore you with the details. Suffice it to say that I have autumn doldrums.
That said, I have (out of idle curiosity/vanity) researched who (if any) famous people share my birthday: January 7. I am sure many of you have done this, even if you will not openly admit to doing so.
It’s ‘psychic lotto by proxy’: you (some lowly cube-monkey earning slave wages) scratch away at a ticket with hopes that the stars will affirm that you are designated for something better in life other than shovelling shit. Or collating copies. Same difference.
I know who my birthday buds are and it ain’t pretty. Butterfly McQueen, Charles Addams (as in The Addams Family) and Paul Clemens number in my ranks, but the others suck. Big time.
- Millard Fillmore: one of the worst Presidents this country has ever had. I suspect our current Chimp in Chief will take him down a notch. This will only provide further proof as to how much Millard Fillmore sucked.
- Nicholas Cage: I was pretty down with Nick at first (Fast Times at Ridgemont High), but nowadays he’s just plain creepy. You can’t tell the difference between a wax statue of him and the real thing. Gross.
- Katie Couric: She offends me the most. I suspect this is due to the ‘perkiness factor’. I am rarely perky. “Perky” is a word neither my friends nor my enemies would use to describe me. When I appear to be remotely “perky” (and my husband can/will attest to this) it is because I am up to some type of anti-social activity. Think Wednesday Addams— or better yet— Uncle Fester or Lurch.
In closing, I have been in a rather shitty mood today. Until I saw this ‘modified’ advertisement on the front of a B61 bus headed down Manhattan Avenue.
This made my day. I wonder if this is what Katie looks like before being Photo-shopped? Fuck, I look like that every day.
Miss Heather
P.S.: The other thing that sucks about being born January 7 is that most people fuck it up and think that you were born January 8 (like Elvis or David Bowie). I HATE Elvis, but Bowie rocks.
Play Day
I have decided to grace Manhattan with my presence today. Among other things, I need to go to the Sanrio store on 42nd Street and buy a Badtz Maru plush. One of my latest projects is to make him over as Abu Masab al-Zarqawi. Cut me some slack, this is important!
Anyhoo, here’s a fun little bit of nonsense I completed this week.
Here is today’s “Dung of the Day” from 96 Scholes Street.
And here is something I happened across yesterday on Union Avenue. Does anyone out there know the story behind this? It’s damned cool.
Miss Heather
Leonard Street
Filed under: Dog Shit Signage
When I knock around the Italian area of Williamsburg (south of the BQE) I usually stroll along Graham Avenue or Manhattan Avenue. Now I realize that I have been doing myself (and my readership) a considerable disservice by neglecting Leonard Street. Not only are there lots of dog bombs to be found along this strip, but there is a person residing there who is clearly fed up with people not picking up after their dogs. He/she has seen fit to erect four signs to this effect.
These signs can be found on Leonard Street just north of Metropolitan Avenue. I can only hope this person is taking pictures of the dogs (and the people who walk them) who are despoiling his/her property.
Miss Heather
Cookin’ in Brooklyn (What Would Jacques Pepin Do?)
Filed under: Area 51
I have been housesitting my friend’s apartment over in Bushwick the last six days. Every day after I get back to my craptastic apartment in Greenpoint I thank my lucky stars that I do not live over there. Sure, Greenpoint has dog shit, bums, and Slipsters, but they have shit over that defies description. Shit like the following…
Leonard Street between Scholes and Meserole Streets
October 16, 2006
2:30 P.M.
Two lids and a plate lay out to dry.
The dishwasher is churning away.
Mmmmm! Just like mom used to make!
A toaster oven?!? This al fresco kitchen has better amenities than my rent-stabilized piece of shit. My landlord is going to hear about this.
One hour later…
Rice-A-Roni, The Leonard Street Treat!
I see Fresh Direct has arrived…
and a lid has disappeared.
E coli: it’s what’s for dinner.
Miss Heather
Something neat I made yesterday
Filed under: Area 51
It’s a clock! The jewels around the rim of the flower pot mark the hour (“12” is purple) and the flowers serve as the second hand. The “plant” makes a full revolution every 60 seconds. Pretty damned neat if I say so myself. I suspect this item will find its way to my online store at Esty.com sometime later this week.
Miss Heather
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