Bright Lights, Big Shitty

September 2, 2007 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit, Dung of the Day, Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

This morning I found my person in elevated state of fabulousness. Unlike many of the impeccably-wrecked 20-somethings I call neighbors, my mid-30’s person knew this was a day to promenade my bad self in (where else) WILLIAMSBURG. Unlike men, who are considered to be ‘distinguished’ as they get older, women are not. I grasp the odd MILF straws when I find them, and today was one such day.

I called my buddy Rachael on her cell. She was at McCarren Park. We rendezvoused and proceeded to poo poo the Bedford Avenue cat walk with our fine-ass Greenpoint selves. We were in the belly of the beast and we prevailed! On Berry Street the bowels of the beast gave us an offering in return.

Berry Street Bung

A mini bottle of Vodka. Poop was presenting. But the Bic pen cap was what triggered the fit of rage I had today*.

Back in 2001 (when I had a “real” job and no self esteem whatsoever) I did weight training at the Greenpoint YMCA. After a particularly heavy workout (and drinking copious amounts of water) I needed to go to the bathroom. BAD. I went to the women’s locker room— which some cretin saw fit to equip with two stalls.

I wait. And wait.

Inasmuch I believe being a lesbian would solve many of my (mal)adjustment problems, the sad fact is I am not one. Not for wont of trying. But, as Scarlett O’Hara Said:

Tomorrow is another day!

What I saw in that bathroom stall was a set-back in this endeavor. FOREVER. After hopping around like a circus chimp with crabs for several minutes, I peeked at female who was reluctant to vacate my much-needed stall.

It was a 40-something Polish soccer mom snorting cocaine from a plastic Bic pen cap.

Just like the one in the above photo.

We are all addicts, each and every one of us. But for the love of god please:

  1. exercise your additions with panache, e.g.; if you’re going to take up a high-dollar habit, get the proper accoutrements and
  2. do not interfere with my essential bodily functions!

Miss Heather

*That and finding some shitty-ass piece of jewelry I priced at the junk shop for $3.00 at a “ritzy” vintage shop on Grand Street marked-up to $45.00. Bad fashion has a price. Perhaps Williamsburg has an idiot tax? I can only hope so.

Fast Times on Freeman Street

September 2, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51 

Sometimes you can just look at the litter strewn on the sidewalk and know something really intense went down.

Case in point: what I found at the intersection of Freeman and West Street today.

A rough night on Freeman Street

I can only hope this was the result of some guerrilla prostrate exam initiative by the Department of Health. A 24 oz. can of Budweiser is laid as bait and, well, you can figure out the rest. For what it is worth, it looks like this dude put up one hell of a fight.

Keys at Freeman and Franklin Street

On top of losing his pants and his dignity, it would appear this chap might have lost his keys as well. If you’re listening out there my recently anal-probed amigo, you can collect them at the intersection of Freeman and Franklin Street.

Damn.

Miss Heather

A Lesson in Wish Fulfillment…

September 2, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

and why you should never take a box springs from the street!

Last night my husband and I opted for a late dinner with red wine at the Greenpoint Coffee House. Since it was really nice out, we sat outside. As usual, I positioned myself so I could see the intersection of Green and Franklin Street. I do this so I can “see all the good stuff”. And good stuff I saw.

Box Springs On Green Street

This box springs was sitting at the corner of Franklin and Green Street. I pointed it out to my husband.

Where is it?

he asked. “It’s pretty damned hard to miss.” I said “It’s in the middle of the sidewalk.” After finding it he said:

I wonder why it is there?

“I dunno.” I replied. Does one really need a reason to leave a box springs in the middle of the sidewalk? I think not. “Today is, after all, the first of the month.” I mused to myself.

Earlier I had seen a number of people moving in and out of the neighborhood. On Manhattan Avenue I saw a trust fund chick moving in. Or should I say her parents were unloading her furniture from their SUV as she was yammering away on her cell phone. Conversely, the sheer quantity of painting, objets d’arte and art supplies I found on the sidewalks this morning bore witness that a number of artists had moved out.

This is a when a woman walking a rather large mutt came into view on Franklin. As she was approaching the mattress I said:

I hope that dog pisses on that box springs.

And he did.

Golden Showers for Golden Slumber

The End.

Miss Heather

Business as Usual at 154 West Street

September 1, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

As promised in this post, I decided to swing by 154 West Street this morning and see what’s shaking. True to form, they were busy working*.

Business as usual at 154 West Street

They were even so kind as to obstruct the sidewalk while they were at it.

Obstructed sidewalk at 154 West Street

While I was taking the above photographs a young yuppie father approached with his daughter. She was learning to ride a bike. He was not very happy when he had to advise her to go on the street because the sidewalk was cluttered with the instruments of this contractor’s trade.

I do not think this gent’s anger was the least bit unmerited. It is not unreasonable to expect that the sidewalks be clear for passage. Especially on a weekend. A HOLIDAY WEEKEND, no less. Rather, I find it very unreasonable to obstruct a sidewalk with a miter and table saw while doing weekend construction without a variance.

Permits

These are the permits posted at this site. Two are for construction, the third (at the bottom) is for electrical work. Nary a permit allowing off-hours work was to be found.

This is easily one of the most in your face examples of the total disregard many contractors (and in all likelihood, the people who hire them) have for the law. Then again, can you honestly blame them? It’s not like the rules established by the Department of Buildings are enforced in any consistent and effective fashion anyway.

And when the cat’s away, the mice will play!

Miss Heather

*At 10:15 a.m.

The Tree Pits of 100 Freeman Street

September 1, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Ticket, 100 Freeman Street

Earlier this week I found the above citation taped to the front door of 100 Freeman Street. As you can clearly read, a “large accumulation” of garbage was found by the Environmental Control Board and the owner of said property (presumably the American Package Company) was fined accordingly. Or were they?

Since our duly diligent public servants did not specify which tree pit was surrounded by refuse I took pictures of all seven of them. Here they are.

Tree Pit #1

First Tree Pit

Tree Pit #2

Second Tree Pit

Tree Pit #3

Third Tree Pit

Um, here are a few bicycles.

Tree Pit #4

Fourth Tree Pit

Anyone out there finding any bottle(s), cigarette pack, newspaper(s), etc? If so, you’re probably eagle-eyed enough to work for the E.C.B. All I have seen thus far is a bunch of overgrown weeds and some bikes.

Tree Pit #5

Fifth Tree Pit

Still no refuse.

Tree Pit #6

Sixth Tree Pit

A couple more bikes.

Tree Pit #7

Seventh Tree Pit

While I personally find chaining a bike to a tree like this to be obnoxious, let’s stick to the topic at hand: I am still not finding any of the “various debris” cited in the above ticket. In fact, this is probably the cleanest I have ever seen this stretch of sidewalk. It is usually slathered in dog shit.

This of course begs the question as to what the E.C.B. is doing. Or not doing. I think I speak for a number of the people in the Garden Spot when I say a crackdown on illegal and/or after-hours construction would be greatly appreciated. Magic Johnson’s crew over at 110 Green Street were jack-hammering away well past 6:30 p.m. last Tuesday. The noise was quite annoying. Much more so than a few bottle(s), cigarette pack, newspaper(s) and other assorted refuse scattered on a sidewalk.

Priorities, anyone?

Miss Heather

Bedbuggery

September 1, 2007 ·
Filed under: Area 51, Greenpoint Magic, Williamsburg 

People have different ideas of success. Some consider making ungodly amounts of money as being “successful”. In my opinion, nothing says “you’ve made it” like getting a shout-out from bedbugger.com. And as it would happen, this came to pass yesterday. To celebrate this most auspicious accomplishment, I have tapped into my growing archive of bedbug-related photos and present them here. Enjoy!

May 5, 2006
Location: 97 Green Street

Evil Mattress at 97 Green Street

This is the first bedbug-ridden mattress I photographed. For this reason it will always be a sentimental favorite to yours truly.

June 18, 2007
Location: 66 Greenpoint Avenue

Greenpoint Avenue Mattress

The former owner of this piece of bedding chose to employ wit. That’s the thing about us Greenpointers, we have a very acerbic sense of humor. You pretty much have to nowadays.

July 17, 2007
Location: the vestibule of my apartment building

Bedbug King

Naturally I found this to be a little disquieting. Is the Bedbug King trying to tell me something? I certainly hope not. What does a Bedbug King look like, for that matter? I never, EVER want to find out!

August 8, 2007
Location: 609 Metropolitan Avenue

609 Metropolitan Avenue

This bedbug infested combo hails from Williamsburg. At a distance I thought someone was having furniture delivered to their apartment. Clearly I was wrong.

Across the street from 609 Metropolitan Avenue

I do find it suspect that an exterminator claiming to be a “bed bug specialist” is located right across the street, though.

August 17, 2007
Location: India Street, in front of the Astral Apartments

India Street Sofa

The pouring rain didn’t stop me from documenting this, the latest (but hardly last) victim of the Greenpoint Bedbug Epidemic. This is getting a little too close for comfort.

Ask not for whom the Bedbug King comes, he comes for thee!

Miss Heather

Something Cool to Check Out This Weekend: Strands

August 31, 2007 ·
Filed under: Greenpoint Magic 

Strands Web Site

This just came to my attention today and it sounds pretty neat. Per the artist’s web site:

Strands, a video installation by Dillon de Give, on view from 8/31 – 9/10/07, is located at points on Manhattan and Meserole Aves in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, NYC. The project seeks to illustrate a taxonomy of life and time on a local as well as galactic scale. The title of the piece refers to the subject of the videos: groups of multicolored filaments observed under the force of moving air or wind, and alludes to string theory and the romance of deriving an explanation of rules that govern existence under all circumstances.

Individual videos are unexpectedly set on monitors in neighborhood establishments (a laundromat, an electronics store, and a florist). The establishments serve as a lens for the work and the work, reminiscent of Rorschach inkblots, creates a psychologically subjective pocket within the establishment. Dillon de Give is a video artist, playwright, and filmmaker living in Greenpoint.

Follows is a breakdown of where and when you can view these installations with directions:

Directions

Strands 0
The origin of the cycle
Explosion of species from point zero

Wash and Dry Laundromat
120 Meserole Ave, 7:30am – 8:30pm daily.

Strands 1
The present confusion in time
Violence for décor

M T V Super Sound Electronics & Appliances

747 Manhattan Ave, 11am – 8pm M-Sat. Sunday 11am – 6pm.

Strands 2
The future seed
Consciousness hidden in discipline

Greenpoint Floral Co.
703 Manhattan Ave. 9am – 7pm M-Sat., Sunday 11am – 4pm.

I think it is incredibly cool that three local businesses volunteered to participate in this installation. I will definitely check it out …and you should too! For more details, click on either of the above images and you will be directed to Dillon de Give’s web site, implausibot.com.

Miss Heather

P.S.: Those of you with less conventional tastes should swing by the junk shop and check out my latest opus, The Twollar.

The Twoller

As you can clearly see, it has been well received.

Dog Shit Diva Fit

August 30, 2007 ·
Filed under: Crappy Customer Cavalcade 

28 days.

Every 28 days I wake up and wonder why I feel like shit.

Every 28 days I rummage for feminine hygiene products only to find that after the last 28th day I forgot to buy them. Damn.

Every 28 days I am one angry-ass bitch.

Guess what?

The Executive Washroom

Today is day 28!

I head down to the junk shop and discover that my “area” was thoroughly wrecked. This pissed me off to no end. While usually very territorial in nature, I do not harbor the least bit of imperialist ambition to overtake the junk store. It would be too much work. Rather, all I seek is to have my ten square feet of shelf space left alone. Was it left alone? No it wasn’t. It was trashed.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

That’s how I announced my arrival to work today. And this outburst pretty much sums up my entire day.

4 1/2 hours of men ordering me around like I was their maid:

  • Hey lady, I want…
  • Hey lady, how much for this?
  • HEY WOMAN, I want this and this and this… (pointing to items stowed away on shelves well beyond my reach. Even with a ladder.) I’m goin’ the the ATM. “The manager knows me.” he said. “Yeah, fuck you.” I thought.

Machismo.

4 1/2 hours of me saying “EXCUSE ME?” whenever one of the aforementioned cretins spoke to me in a manner I found disrespectful. I gave them a blank stare until they:

  • shut up
  • said “please”
  • or “thank you”

4 1/2 hours of cursing under my breath while picking up:

  • spit balls
  • various repulsive items (a wad of chewed gum adhered to a pair of nail clippers was by far my favorite) because I couldn’t take it anymore.

I am the Dog Shit Queen of Greenpoint. In this capacity I preside over all things shitty, be they located in Greenpoint or elsewhere. I am not a receptacle designed to collect piss and shit from the incontinent asses of babies (of all ages). If I was, that would make me a diaper. And a diaper diva I am decidedly not. I care not to be the Maria Callas of crap collecting.

Today I was the receptacle for a number incontinent assholes. I did not like it the least bit, either. If these men want someone to wipe their asses, they should call their mothers. Or a diaper diva. Not me.

Miss Heather

Photo Credit: Miss Heather

The above photo is of the bathroom at the junk shop. Here are a few more pix…

Left View

Left view.

Right View

Right View: where the garbage can used to be. But its memory remains.

Meet Mr. Belvedere

August 30, 2007 ·
Filed under: Crazy People, Greenpoint Magic 

This chap is one of the more recent commenters to grace my humble blog— and I’m glad he did. He’s friggin’ hilarious. Follows is a story from bklyn-genealogy-info he was kind enough to share with me recently. Enjoy!

RABBIT’S FOOT SAVED HIS LIFE , SAYS JUMPER

But Clotheslines and Alcohol Figure in Adventure

‘A rabbit’s foot saved me,’ maintains Joseph SEKULSKI, 32, of 193 Russell street, who is in Kings County Hospital to-day suffering from lacerations, contusions and abrasions of the body, possible concussion of the brain and a severe case of alcoholism. Joseph was intoxicated last night, police say, and in his inebriated condition he visited Mr. and Mrs. JACOBSEN, who live on the third floor of a six-story apartment at 172 Greenpoint avenue. When the time came to bid good-bye to his friends, Joseph decided to quickest way out was via the window.

On the way down Joseph struck four clotheslines, bouncing from one to the other. He crashed through the wooden cellar cover and lay there in a semi-conscious condition. Patrolman John MAHONEY was summoned from Greenpoint station and on arriving at the scene Joseph demanded of him where he was. ‘You’re still in the land of the living,’ replied MAHONEY. Ambulance Surgeon GARDENER of Greenpoint Hospital arrived and said Joseph’s most serious ailment was alcoholism.

He insists that his rabbit’s foot performed its traditional voodoo.

*speechless*

Miss Heather

More McGuinness Merde

August 30, 2007 ·
Filed under: Dog Shit, Dung of the Day 

ZUUL!

The first thought that crossed my mind when I saw these piles of puddin’ was “Gee, whoever passed this bowel movement wasn’t feeling well.”

The next thought that crossed my mind was “HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET OUT OF MY REFRIGERATOR!?! GO HOME!!!“.

Miss Heather

P.S.: You know, the apocalypse would never get enough traction to start in Greenpoint. No one would even notice.

P.S.#2: Anyone remember when someone found a rocket launcher on the Greenpoint side of the Pulaski Bridge several years ago? That was the talk of the town for weeks, yet I cannot find a single story about it online. Hmm…

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