New York Shitty Day Ender: 6 Proof Toothpaste

December 12, 2009 by missheather
Filed under: Area 51

Today was a very busy one at the junk shop.* I’m tired. The same goes, it would appear, for my Internet connection. Therefore, in recognition of the glory that is Santacon (and my not being terribly endowed in the patience department) I will be concluding today’s postage a bit early.

As I noted earlier I have been sorting my collection of photography. What I did not mention in this post is that I am endeavoring to sort ALL my printed material. The reasons for this are both practical and selfish. I was recently so inspired by a pair of delightful collages posted by a flickr contact of mine, Verbunkos, that I rolled up my sleeves, dusted off the boxes upon boxes of accumulated material I have stashed in Chez Shitty and commenced clipping. It was in a 1961 issue of House and Garden where I stumbled upon the following gem:

Jigger brand Whiskey flavored toothpaste. This morning I brought it to the attention of the Mister.

Me: I found something last night I want to show you. It’s an advertisement for whiskey-flavored toothpaste.
The Mister: !!!
Me: Methinks they have other flavors and it’s even six proof.
The Mister (getting really excited): I want to see this!
Me: Hold on and I’ll find it for you.
Me (rifling through said magazine): Here it is. Here’s my favorite piece of the ad copy:

Night-before feeling on the morning after.

This may sound like a good idea to the “he-man” demographic this product is directed at, but I would not want to face the morning after kissing some dude’s mug that reeks of Scotch-flavored toothpaste. Then again, I guess there’s worse morning breath to be had…

The Mister: I want this.
Me: I strongly suspect the peeps behind this product are no longer in business. However if someone here was to, say, produce V.S.O.P., Remy Martin or vodka-flavored toothpaste there may very well be a market for it. In fact, I’d go so far to say that at the right price a small fortune could be made shilling the stuff.

Thereupon the Mister started devising ways to make whiskey toothpaste. I told him to find a regular, unflavored variety (preferably one with baking soda in it so as to provide effervescence and negate the need for soda water) and mix his liquor of choice in it and see what happens. How the hell the Mister will get it back in the tube is his own damned problem.

I have put far too much thought into this matter than I feel comfortable with already.

Miss Heather

*A piece of advice for prospective hagglers: claiming a dress/skirt does not fit you is not sufficient justification for knocking off $5.00 from the asking price. Moving forward if anyone tries this (again) I am either going to say:

That dress does not look too big for you.
Why yes, now that you mention it, you could stand to lose some weight.

Seriously. This is almost as lame as the ever-popular “it’s a gift for a friend” argument. If the person in question is as good as friend as these people (women all) purport, why are these people shopping for him/her at a junk shop? This is not to suggest the junk shop does not have nice stuff: it does. But these items are never the subject of gift-giving haggling. Inasmuch as I can deduce (given the behavior I have just outlined) a good friend merits a $15.00-$20.00 present with anywhere from a $5.00 -$10.00 window of “bargaining” and a LOT of soul-sucking interaction.

Tags: bourbon flavored toothpaste, Jigger toothpaste, whiskey flavored toothpaste

Comments

4 Comments on New York Shitty Day Ender: 6 Proof Toothpaste

Tony From Kent Street on Sun, 13th Dec 2009 12:07 pm

For the Mister.. in case he missed it, Dutch scientists invented a way to make any alcohol into powder form (Google: Vodka Pill) late this year and would make Scotch Toothpaste that much easier to create. Now where did my barf-flavored mouth rinse go?

richardk on Sun, 13th Dec 2009 2:50 pm

The purveyor of whiskey toothpaste apparently expanded its line of indispensable products to include one more: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3215/3109892235_446e4a0ed2.jpg It’s the perfect gift for….no, I’m afraid I don’t know who.

rowan on Sun, 13th Dec 2009 5:08 pm